mirrors reflecting mirrors (edited)

I see the world through a window warped;
through glass enfeebled by old age,
as a wilting woman with a wrinkled spine.
The figures sliding past are broken little things.
Prosthetic eyes blind and all-seeing—
animal heads, mounted on the walls.

I pity them as I sit upon this exalted perch,
risen up from the black waves beneath.
A huddled horde of blinded beings,
probing the shadows, creating theories.
Making sense of the things that were
never meant to make sense.

(and yet)

Here upon my crooked pulpit,
the world is just as black
and I am just as blind.

-Holly


The unedited version:

Spoiler

I see the world through
a window warped--
bent as an old woman--
enfeebled by time.
The figures that slide past are
broken little things.
And my fingers glisten with
the tears meant for them.

I pity them as I sit on this perch,
as I watch them move along.
A huddled mass of blinded beings,
probing the darkness, creating theories,
making sense of things
never meant to make much sense.

(and yet)

here upon my crooked pulpit,
the world is just as black
and I am just as blind.

I liked the feeling of the poem but I feel at some parts you were trying the add rhyme but it just fell apart.

Bittersweet wrote:I see the world through
a window warped;
bent as an old woman,
enfeebled by time.
The figures that slide past (are broken little things.) Add that line to this one. Add a period so it wont be a run-on.
And my fingers glisten, (add comma)
with the tears meant for them.

I pity them as I sit on this perch, -did you mean porch ?
as I watch them move along.
A huddled mass of blinded beings, -These to lines stood out to me, they rhyme a little.
probing the darkness, creating theories,
making sense of things; that were never meant to make much sense. -Use a semi colon once in a while. (:

(and yet)

here upon my crooked pulpit,
the world is just as black
and I am just as blind.

-Holly

Overall I think this poem is good, just a few things that can be adjusted. Keep writing !

-M.

I think this poem is BEAUTIFUL. I really enjoyed reading it and you really sucked me in. Well done, I really have nothing more to say except keep writing and let me know when you've written more!

Holly,

So, I really, really liked this poem. It has a great meaning and a great subject and you've managed to be vague enough to capture and hold my interest, but you're not too vague, which is good.

There was one line:

The figures that slide past are

This is a passive voice. Cut the 'that' and change 'slide' to 'sliding'. It will eliminate the passive voice and make that sentence much stronger.

making sense of things
never meant to make much sense.

Okay, so, I love the idea behind this phrase, but you haven't executed it too well. It's a little awkward and choppy. It's because of the repeated 'm'. Making, meant, make, much. There's too many. You need to keep the idea of the phrase, but you need to reword it differently. At the moment, I really don't have any ideas, but I know it needs to be done. Mainly, it's just the last line that needs to be reworked.

here upon my crooked pulpit,
the world is just as black
and I am just as blind.

I feel cut short right here. I'm used to reading the 4-6 lines in a stanza, and now you've thrown at me a triplet. The rhythm cuts off a bit. I would recommend taking the (and yet) and throwing it into this stanza. I don't even think you need to take out the parenthesis.

You've done really well with tis poem, Holly. I'm glad you've written something. I'm proud of you.

-Jared

Holly --

Not bad. It's great to see you writing again, for sure.

I think I like the meaning behind it best. This poem definitely tackles some big ideas. Perhaps almost too big. I may just be imposing my own themes, but this seems to be a poem about confusion, religion, how we as a human race put life into perspective. Until the last stanza, and according to the second stanza, I got some heavy vibes of religious condescension, which is something that I think you intended. It's an interesting piece, because the narrator is so conflicted. On one hand, they imagine that they see everything, and they pity the poor earthly fools attempting to put life into perspective through "theories, making sense of things not meant to make much sense" (science). But on the other, there is doubt. They realize that maybe they aren't so clairvoyant (which, Frenchified, would mean something like "clear-seeing"). That on their "pulpit" (religion), they also are consumed by the darkness that is inherent of the human race. In short, the world is not black and white.

Mainly, it is black.

Big ideas, and ideas that I love. I strongly relate to the themes that you've got here. I don't necessarily care a whole lot for your presentation. By my tastes, it's a little too simplistic. It's strange, because on one hand, this poem obscures its inner meanings perfectly, but on the other, it's too straightforward. I think what I mean to say is that the language is too straightforward. It's fairly meh. Very sparse imagery, average vocabulary. There's just no spice. There's a degree of honesty to this undecorated language of yours, but somehow, I'd like to see some pizazz. Take another look at some of Gal's poems if you can get your hands on them. He has mastered the art of showing. He has big themes, but small images, creating a kind of poetic mosaic -- parts that make the whole. Strive for that.

I think that this topic is too good, and has so much potential, that I think that it should be extended, and dressed up a little bit. I want to see a few more flourishes (necessary flourishes), a stimulation of the language. I mean, for instance:

I pity them as I sit on this perch,
as I watch them move along.
A huddled mass of blinded beings

It's just...tepid. Stagnant. All these words are boring. They're too tell-y. What's more, by using the word "perch", I get an image in my head that the narrator's a bird. "A huddled mass of blinded beings". Very mechanical. Bland. Use a metaphor or simile here, describe the beings further. Also, never use the word "mass" in poetry. Far too technical.

Anyway, my advice. Hope I interpreted things correctly.

-Kylan

Kitrosemon13: I did, in fact, mean perch. Also, this wasn't intended to have any sort of rhyme.Thanks for the review! I changed some small things as you suggested.

Annapapadimitriou123: Thank you so much! I'm glad you feel that way.

Jared: Yeah, I finally managed to write something after ages! I feel really out of practice though. All the stuff I could come up with was majorly clichéd, but at least I wrote something. Thanks a bunch for the review! I'll definitely change the 'sliding' part, and I agree with you on the 'making sense' part. I'll see if I can find away to change it, although at the moment I'm drawing a blank. As for the last stanza, I understand how you'd feel that way, but I don't think I'm going to change it. I made it short and sweet for a purpose.

Kylan: I completely see what you mean about the language. It definitely does need some more pizazz. My writing has not improved much, due to hardly writing or reading as of late. I think I shall just completely redo this, though I can't say if it will make it much better. Haha. Also, you shall have to explain to me further why not to use the word 'mass' in poetry. Thanks for the review! It was certainly helpful.

-Holly

Hey, Holly!

Okay, you've got this little cozy piece of work that's almost like a story-tale...and so I'm going to help it get the most you can out of it...and it only takes some simple rearranging.

Bittersweet wrote:I see the world through a window warped; (Warped window) I know you want inversion...but not here. Also, instead of ";" use a dash "--"through glass enfeebled by old age,
as a (like a)wilting(ed) woman with a wrinkled spine.
The figures sliding past are broken little things. (Use dash instead of period.)Prosthetic eyes(dash) blind (dash)and all-seeing— (Use ":" instead)animal heads, mounted on the walls.


(and yet)
I love this. It's what tells me it's a story -- and I love that and how it's portrayed.

Here upon my crooked pulpit, (Use ":" after pulpit)
the world is just as black (Use a comma to make a pause...it makes it better sounding.) and I am just as blind.

-Holly