I'm Trying

You look at me as though I'm a child.
I'm not that five year old daughter anymore.
I've grown; matured.
But you can't see that, can you?

You say you trust me.
That's a horrible lie.
Inside, do you believe I'm untrustable?
Is that why I have no freedom?

I do everything you ask, and more.
I clean, to see your approval.
I cook, to hear your praise.
I'm responsible, but it's not enough.

When will it be enough?
What must I do to gain your trust?
How should I act to taste freedom?
Why can't you see I've become more than a child?

Why can't you see...I'm trying?

Hmmm, I can see a little of myself in this poem. Although, as I read your words, I felt strangely like I was prizing my way into your secrets. It wasn't comfortable for me, in a good way. When a poem can do that, can make a reader feel as if they've stumbled upon something they should not be privy to, well that means the poem has struck a chord. I think everyone has felt untrusted at one point in their lives, as if they were unworthy of that trust. But as we age, we realize that it isn't that we aren't trusted, it's that our parents don't trust the world with us yet. And so, the last line in poignant in its cry:

Why can't you see...I'm trying?

It's the echo of all the disorder of childhood, and the beginnings of the growth into an adult. We all have to keep trying.

Um, what Baywolf25 said! He just about summed it up. I just two little corrections.

mybrokenreality wrote:I'm not that five year old daughter anymore.

Whether you change this or not is completely dependent on style, but I would say, "I'm not that five-year-old daughter anymore." It just makes the words flow together better in the reader's mind.

mybrokenreality wrote:I clean, to see your approval.

How can approval really be seen? At first, I thought you meant "seek" and just forgot the "K," but when I read that you cook to hear [your audience's] praise, I saw that you were depicting the various senses. I might even change this line to, "I clean, to see your nods of approval."

Anyway, I hope this helps, and I'm eager to read more of your work!

I think this poem is very good because it highlights exactly what you are trying to say. The word choice is excellent and it flowed really well. The structure is well done and just adds to the flow perfectly. Overall, a very good poem and one that people can relate to,

skutter11

This peice is better where puncuation is concerened. As I've come to expect from you, the poem is very real, and well written. The idea is so basic that it reaches out to expand over every child that ever lived, but at the same time seems very personal. I love your writing and can't wait for more.

Until next time, Stay In Love With Love.

I can really relate to this poem. There are so many times when I think my parents only see me as a baby, even my mom still calls me "chicky" which is what she called me when I was really little. I really like this poem, it's a style that I've never attempted to write, but I like it! I think the entire poem flowed and really expressed your emotions! Good job!

ooh very nice, i find myself feeling like this a lot and i really love your word choices.

when i read the last line it really just echoed in the back of my mind "trying . . . trying .. . . trying" it was cool.

good job! and welcome!!

This poem was one that I could really relate to and so it made it mean a whole lot more to me. It was really well-written, and you didn't use extremely big words so it was easy to understand and follow. I liked the fact that there was punctuation in this piece. The last line resounded in my head after a long while.

Anger

Wow...I logged on and saw all these great reviews. It made me smile! I'm really glad so many people liked it, considering it was one of those, spur of the moment poems. Anyways, thank you!!

~mybrokenreality

This IS really really great! Keep up the good work!

You say you trust me.
That's a horrible lie.
Inside, do you believe I'm untrustable?
Is that why I have no freedom?

It just doesn't sound right that you said you say you trust me, and then do you believe I'm untrustable? Maybe it should be untrustworthy?

Maybe it's just be, but other than that, AWESOME!

I really enjoyed reading this poem as it is a great reflection of how many teens feel towards their parentals. I could totally relate to the whole thing!
The only criticism I would give is about the second stanza. It doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest. Especially "That's a horrible lie". Perhaps replacing "that" with "what" or something similar.
Hope I could help! Keep up the great work!
~Kat

I really liked this. It is a poem that a lot of people can relate to with their parents not trusting them even though they are mature enough to look after themselves. It is good to write poems that can really speak to a lot of people. It gives you a bigger audience! Anyways good poem! Keep writing!

-KAH

Sometimes, when another person has a particular perception of you, it takes alot of effort to shake that image and show them that you have become something different. The irony is, that other person may be trying as well...trying to see the change in you, but something may be holding them back. So we try harder, to make it easier for them.

I can definitely relate to this. Nicely written.