Secret Life of a Window Cleaner

I used to think it was me, y’know, but now I ain’t so sure. Everyone’d say I was nuts, but people are always fallin’. It’s just, a lot of ‘em seem to fall past me.

In the old days, it was just cartoons, the odd 2D nutcase who took the dive. They whizzed past me and I’d get a sense of that weird music in my ears, an’ once or twice I’d feel my eyes squirm in their sockets and just stare. You must ‘ave seen me sometime, just standin’ there, pleasantly washin’ my windows as some idiot drops from the roof above. Those ones usually survived, though. After all, what’s the use in killin’ off animation?

Today, well, it’s different. I hear ‘em sometimes, up on the scaffolding, and sometimes I look down and the crowd are wavin’ at me, all frantic. Ain’t it funny how they never blinked at the cartoons, but now they gather like an ‘erd, screamin’ at me to get him down? I could never get ‘em down. They cry a little and then they jump, like all the rest. I don’t ‘ear the music anymore, and I don’t stare. My eyes used to practically fall out my ‘ead, y’know. Today, well. It’s different.

Spoiler

Based off a prompt. In 200 words, describe a day in the life of a window washer. Hint: think back to the old cartoons, characters falling from roofs, and think that an awful lot of them seem to fall past window cleaners. Or maybe it was just Pokémon. I'd really appreciate crits! Is the voice irritating?

Hey Jetpack! I really liked this! You did an awesome job with that prompt. There isn't really anything I have to say.

But I would like to say that I really like the voice. It adds to the character, and makes him more believable. (And with really short stories it's sometimes hard to develop your character fully. But I think that you did awesomely with the limit.)

There's just one sentence that I found a bit confusing.

They whizzed past me and I’d get a sense of that weird music in my ears, an’ once or twice I’d feel my eyes squirm in their sockets and just stare, y’know?

Maybe reword it a bit.

Other than that, this is a great entry! Good job, and good luck on your other writing projects! I'll keep a look out for more pieces to read by you.

~ Trish

P.S. If you edit it, make sure to tell me so that I can put the totally finished product with the other entries. Thanks again for entering the contest and good job!

Wow. This is honestly not the first thing that jumps into my head when I hear "secret life of window washer", but you really made it believable. I loves it.

The voice wasn't annoying for me except for when you cut off the "h"s. I don't know what it was about it, but having to read the story without the "h"s was really distracting. That might just be me though, so use your own judgment in editing.

Very lovely. Sad and thought-provoking, but very nice. Congrats on a great piece!

~GryphonFledgling

Wow. He talks like someone jumps off the building every other day!
Either that or the person is a caricature of sort of all the window watchers through the years, if you can understand me. That's cool, a great idea really. And if that's not what you intended, then, well, the story makes absolutely no sense.

But you know that.

The only thing I dislike is the voice. I can change the tone of my voice, y'know? Ain't nothing hard 'bout it. But unless you take in 'omewhere then what's the point? This story would be a lot more impactful and serious if the narrator just talked normally. Depends on the effect you're trying to give. R you tryin' to add a sense of lightness and cont'ast to a da'k piece? Or do you just want a dark piece?

And change the last two sentences. I'm pretty sure you can do better than that ending.

Good job, thought. You just need to ask yourself what you want this story to be about. And if you choose right, you're all set.

HI Jetpack, I'll be reviewing your loverly piece of work

Well, I know some other people really didn't like the 'voice' but I thought it was charming. Since you didn't really describe what this window washer looks like at all, I got a picture of him through his voice. I sort of pictured a cute southern man with white hair and a hunched back. But that's besides the description is beside the point.

I think it's neat how you point out the differences between the cartoons and how people today actually do jump off buildings. It's something that I've never personally connected together, because I generally don't think of jumping off buildings, but still, it was almost a cultural look at window washers throughout the past and into now.

Well, I personally really enjoyed it, and I'm sorry I don't have any really helpful comments for you to improve this!

Kate

Ha, this does sounds like a window cleaner. I always like this stuff. If I didn't know you were writing about a window cleaner I would be so confused, but the minute I figured it out it would all come together. The voice matches I think, I've never meet a window cleaner but I'd imagine he would speak that way! I'm not sure why. It definitely makes it different from a general voice speaking. It adds edge!
Good job, and good luck in your future writing pieces.

I forgot how they used to do that in cartoons...

Anyway, this was a great prompt! The mood started out casual but then grew to create a nice sense of tension, even in such a short time. Nice job there!

There are a few places that bug me a bit. For example:

"I used to think it was me, y’know, but now I ain’t so sure. Everyone’d say I was nuts, but people are always fallin’. It’s just, a lot of ‘em seem to fall past me."

I would add a "just" in that first part, so it says "I used to think it was just me." Also I'd change the last bit to say "And a lot of 'em seem to fall past me." That makes the paragraph flow better, in my mind.

This seems to have been picked at quite thoroughly already, but if I think of anything else I'll let you know.

A piece by itself, without any explanation, this was a bit random. A bit too random for me.

HOWEVER, with the knowledge that there was a prompt behind it, I was delighted with this piece. It stuck to the prompt without a fault, but you made it your own, developing a nice voice behind it. Great write. c:


Coral