Why I'm Afraid of Dogs

Guess what! I finished this story! The final edited version can be read here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=64365

This is my first post here. And it's only half the story. I plan on completing it...once I find the proper motivation.
And is it bad to begin with a passive sentence?




It was ripped two months prematurely from its source. On a picnic table covered in etched names and brown paint, I sit and develop a method for dismembering a green maple leaf. I tear it apart along its veins; first the large ones extending to the verdant points and then the innumerable little ones, until the leaf is a wilted hand of confetti and toss it whimsically into the air; the green snow of July.

My preoccupation masks the approach of a visitor. I hear him drawing near and become a fixture of the park. This man and his dog are the intruder; the trees and I are rooted to the spot. My eyes fix on the dog to avoid a glance from the man that could induce a smile and possibly lead to strained pleasantries. Affable men are atrocious. What could he hide behind a welcoming smile? What wretched trait does he hope to eclipse with friendliness?

Unfortunately, the unleashed dog is encouraged by my attention and makes a congenial advance upon my bench. I pull my legs up to my chest to avoid its prying nose.

“Sir, your dog is supposed to be on a leash.” I intend to be forceful, but it comes out a shaky request.

“Felix, come!” The man smirks and calls for his dog with so little enthusiasm that the thing hardly lifts its nose. He strolls off without a conciliatory word. The black setter lingers, and then, sensing the gravity of its master, is pulled back to orbit the man’s heels.

The universe repairs twin bruises left by the interloper and his altered wolf. Its soothing exhalation fills their vacancy and imparts silence to seal my offended psyche. However, it is not long until my bracing solitude is stolen by the incongruous jangle of a dog collar.

Really liked the whole piece over all!
Not a lot of grammatical mistakes, but there were some parts that confused me.

rachelH2O wrote:It was ripped two months prematurely from its source.

I didn't really like that it started with a passive sentence, but thats just me.

rachelH2O wrote:The universe repairs twin bruises left by the interloper and his altered wolf. Its soothing exhalation fills their vacancy and imparts silence to seal my offended psyche. However, it is not long until my bracing solitude is stolen by the incongruous jangle of a dog collar.

A LOT of stuff to think about here. Maybe comma between bruises and left. "Its soothing exhalation" are you referring to the universe? You might want to make that clearer.

rachelH2O wrote:I tear it apart along its veins; first the large ones extending to the verdant points and then the innumerable little ones, until the leaf is a wilted hand of confetti and toss it whimsically into the air; the green snow of July.

I like this line, it has great description

Other than that, i would have liked it if you had described the park a little bit more.
Great story, I hope you write more!
Zib

Hey Rachel!

Firstly, I think that starting it with a passive line was a bit strange, since I thought you'd be recounting the story to us in the past tense as a result. I had to go back and reread the first paragraph three times before I got it! But, nevertheless, I thought it was a strong beginning, and an interesting one at that. Certainly, some marvellous lines here:

On a picnic table covered in etched names and brown paint, I sit and develop a method for dismembering a green maple leaf. I tear it apart along its veins; first the large ones extending to the verdant points and then the innumerable little ones, until the leaf is a wilted hand of confetti and toss it whimsically into the air; the green snow of July.

I loved the contemplative introspection here. However, I felt there was no need to continue using complex vocabulary past this point - it sort of killed the immediacy of the story:

My preoccupation masks the approach of a visitor.

This was entirely too formal for my liking. 'My preoccupation'? Who are you recounting this to, exactly? Those wods are suitable for explaining to the strict headmaster of a school what your alibi was for an incident - not an incredibly personal story! Make the language fit the audience and the central character.

I hear him drawing near and become a fixture of the park. This man and his dog are the intruder; the trees and I are rooted to the spot. My eyes fix on the dog to avoid a glance from the man....................

I liked this part, though I think the 'fixture vs intruder' thing needed to be clearer.

induce a smile and possibly lead to strained pleasantries. Affable men are atrocious.............What wretched trait does he hope to eclipse with friendliness?

This was not to my taste, either. Too formal, too many officious words where really none were needed, spoiling the effect you've already created (one of intense anticipation, from the title). 'Induce,' 'lead,' 'strained pleasantries,' 'affable,' 'atrocious,' 'wretched trait,' 'eclipse with friendliness.' All of these make me think of something out of a Shakespeare play, not a simple child's narration of her phocia for dogs (by the way, I'm terrified of them too - but because my mother is, as she was bitten by one ).

Unfortunately, the unleashed dog is encouraged by my attention and makes a congenial advance upon my bench. I pull my legs up to my chest to avoid its prying nose.

'Encouraged by my attention' was again too bizarrely phrased, and 'congenial advance' is a big no-no. The second line is perfect.

The black setter lingers, and then, sensing the gravity of its master, is pulled back to orbit the man’s heels.

The universe repairs twin bruises left by the interloper and his altered wolf. Its soothing exhalation fills their vacancy and imparts silence to seal my offended psyche. However, it is not long until my bracing solitude is stolen by the incongruous jangle of a dog collar.

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Firstly, I'd like to say that I had an exact idea of what was going on at the start of the piece, but absolutely no idea what happened at the end. You say that the dog is pulled back to 'orbit the man's heels.' By this, I assume the dog goes away.

And I have absolutely no clue what the last paragraph is about - and this is coming from someone with a very wide vocaubulary, and a keen eye for detail.

I can make a guess: are you saying that the 'meeting' incident left your 'psyche' absolutely scared? Because, if you are, then this means that just that very incident left you feeling terrified. You need to find more UNDERSTANDABLE words to say this. Something along the lines of: 'I could not have measured the speed of my heartbeat had I tried.' Otherwise, the reader has no idea what has happened and the entire effect is lost on them.

I realise this is not the end, but will ask one last question all the same - what do you mean by the last line? Has this dog (or another one) returned? Plus, this line needs to be less dodging-around-the-actual-story-by-too-officious-language and more to-the-point for increased impact.

I love the subject matter behind this - finding the roots for phobias - and how youre describing it to us. I definitely think you should finish it, and rethink it. Read it like any ordinary person might - pretend you're reading a book. Ask yourself if this is the type of language you expect to read in a book. Plan out the event more clearly, and fire away!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thank you for your wonderful comments. I often find myself using unusual vocabulary that I probably shouldn't.
But I think I should clarify...

not a simple child's narration of her phocia for dogs

It wasn't supposed to be a simple child's narration. This event happened less than a year ago. I don't really want to oversimplify the (complex) emotions that make me burst into tears every time a dog gets near me. I'm old enough to be able to describe what I felt, so why should I pretend I'm a simpleminded creature? I was unsuccessfully trying to explain this, but I will take your advice and make the language more personal and less complicated.

While i was aware of what was occurring throughout the story, I have to say I like the way the reader does not know exactly what happened until they have completed the piece. It was interesting how you expanded the experience into such a lengthy tale where it could be described, though less grammatically, in the simple sentences: "I was tearing up a leaf on a table in the park when an odd man came toward me with his black setter name felix, who, before carrying on with his owner that should have had him on a leash as I recommended, proceeded to inflict a set of bruises on me, emotionally scarring my affinity and preference for dogs." But like I said, your version is artistic in the way you cant assume most of this until you are finished.
The only complaint I have is, and I would certainly not expect you to find a way to fulfill this without lying, when I read the title I was expecting some tragic/horrific story about the giant pittbull or rottwieler (or some other stereotypical dog associated with vicious behavior) who menaced you with bared teeth at a young age, so, just because I'm me, i was disappointed at such a not-so-tragic dog experience. Though i suppose it is just hard for me to sympathize having a dog myself and always been used to dogs barreling into and mauling me (playfully) since my youthy-youth. Besides, my dog is really cute.

I was expecting some tragic/horrific story about the giant pittbull or rottwieler (or some other stereotypical dog associated with vicious behavior) who menaced you with bared teeth at a young age, so, just because I'm me, i was disappointed at such a not-so-tragic dog experience.

What I was trying to do was explain why this experience was so traumatic to me. If I told someone I'm afraid of dogs because I was mangled by one, then anyone would understand. But this? I can't say I'm scared because one barked at me! Nobody would take me seriously. In the final version (the edited one, separate from this post) the story comes full circle and I think I had a much better chance at explaining my fears in that one. This here is only half the tale.

Really brilliantly written, the intricate and sophisticated use of vocabulary really help your argument. However, I think that for dealing with the issue of your phobia in this style this passage is the ideal length, and elaborating at great length and detail would stagnate the idea.

I cannot say that I was somewhat confused or drowned in your deluge of enthralling vocabulary and metaphors, I found them riveting.

I would not have enjoyed this half as much if not for your successful deployment of unusual vocabulary.

Thank you.