Renegade Children-Cloud and Keke

Cloud took Keke’s hand, holding her close as if he could lose her at any moment.
Their happiness depended on each other, Cloud would do anything for her, and vice versa. Keke trusted him with her life. She knew he loved her.
I wished that there was someone who loved me, someone to hold me close, to give me hope, someone who I knew loved me. Jared was just pretending, in reality, he’s just like the rest of the men. Sam hated me. Ryu was forcing me into things. I just wish that someone loved me for who I am, loved me and wasn’t ashamed of it.
He let go of her hand as he reached the end of the roof, leaning out over the railing, looking out over the beautiful scenery.
She moved away from him, taking a step to the side, so that she could examine something in the trees.
“Cloud! Look at that!” She smiled, pointing to a tall evergreen tree, where gold glinted between it’s leaves as the sun played on it.
“Wow, it’s amazing!” he moved to Keke again, his eyes locked on her face while she looked out over the land.
He took her hand and pulled her into a hug.
“Cloud!” She laughed.
He laughed in reply, nuzzling her cheek.
“I love you so much,” Her eyes closed.
I wished love was real for everyone, it existed for some lucky people, I was not amongst them…
They began to move slowly, dancing to no music, just enjoying being with each other.

Wow. This is great! Short, but really nice!

I think you have good description and good imagery. Of course, it isn't perfect and won't ever be, but it is enjoyable and I really liked this part:

questcrewforever wrote:, where gold glinted between it’s leaves as the sun played on it.

I've never really read something like this before, and it just leaped out at me Very pretty, and easily viewed in the mind.

I didn't notice much wrong with this piece, except you should expand on narrative as much as dialogue. You are great with narrating, so don't limit it!

Overall, great work

Lavvi

Hello.

I am not sure what to make of this. It seems like nothing more than a very, very small snippet of a story. The characters seem to be interacting in ways that had a lot of set-up behind them, and the narrator's sudden additions of what s/he wishes for make it seem like she's been watching them for awhile.

If this is supposed to be a stand-alone, the I'd first suggest brushing up on basics such as character development and story-structure. The Writing tutorials section of the Knowledge Base (found under Resources in the header) is a good place to start. There are five pages worth of tutorials, so poke around to see what helps.

While poking around the KB [Knowledge Base] I'd put my focus on characters. Have us really feel with the characters. Especially the narrator making comments about love. This character only shows up twice in the story, and I hardly relate to them. In fact, the narrator's comments are so removed from the story itself they seem like they come from a different story completely. Work on making the narrator's comments flow more into the work.

I'd also watch how much you drive a message home with this, such as "I wish I had somebody to love." Such lines can really come off as angsty and/or preachy. Right now, they mostly come off as angsty. The character is so hard done by because nobody loves her and she has to watch people who love each other. Angsty stories can really annoy the reader because angsty characters sound really whiny. Work on making your narrator do other things than complain about not being loved. Make them a full-fleshed character that readers can actually relate to.

Overall, this felt very incomplete and very jerky. Turn this into a story readers can relate to, and smooth the narrator's comments (all the first-person comments) in with the third-person descriptions of the story.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hello, Quest.

When reading this, I feel as if I've walked in on the middle of a Novel or something. This was good, don't get me wrong, but there was no back story or anything. I don't know who these people are and you mention names of guys who don't even appear. Yes, they have a very good friendship and this is very cute, but there was really no information on the characters.

You also change from first person to third person which is confusing. Overall, If you want to keep this, write more information on your characters. How they met? Who these other guys are? You know, stuff like that. Well, that's all.

ReisePiecey!

Right, so, where I come from, we take chunks out of the work and add little red/purple/green/heliotrope text to indicate flaws and good points. Evidently, not here.
So I shall make a list of errors instead.
-The prose was bland. Very bland. I felt no love for either character. There was no context, no subtext - nothing. There needs to be something there that draws me to the character. Invade his or her thoughts, show me the rawness inside their skull. What is making them think that? Give me questions, give me answers. Storybook characters are people and think, unless lobotomized or braindead or something else that might cause the protagonist to be irretrievably stupid (in which case this particular person might not be an incredibly amazing protagonist).
-I can see this being a cheesy ripped-off manga or anime. The name Cloud makes me think of a tall slender guy with clear silver eyes and perfectly-combed hair the color of robin's eggs. This is never good. And Keke is just so essentially Japanese. I hold nothing against manga/anime/Japan, but maybe it is just me that sees this flouncy couple that way.
-Please please please don't turn these two into a Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu couple. This has potential.
-It was extremely short and thus made no sense.

What You Can Do To Fix The Mistakes:
-Read like a butterfly, write like a bee.
-Try and penetrate more deeply into the consciousness of the character.

That is all!
-Fiction