(Break Free)

Okay, guys, the explanation is at the bottom. So feel free to read and comment as you will.


I’m trying to break free,

Of this mould which tries to shape me,

Turning my mind

Into something twisted and angry,


The prison I am in, is squeezing me tight,

And I wonder if I’ll ever escape

The eyes only holding disdain,

Though they too are unknowingly held by invisible chains,


But first I have to reform this caste,

And re-imagine my mind,

Finally, when the time is upon me,

I’ll break free

And those still in their chains will disdain me,

Though I will now be their freedom

And one day, maybe…


(The last line is a combination of both. )

Explanation:

Spoiler

You can read the itallics seperate from the normal font, and vice versa, it should still make sense. But if you read them together it seems right. Just in case you're wondering, this is made in reference to the restrictions we put on ourselves. We cannot act this way, we have to act that way, this stereotype is right, no, this one is. The chains we bind ourselves, each day they grow heavier. The meaning of this poem is that before we can stop encaging ourselves we first need to take the time to take a moment to find out what we are chaining ourselves with and after that we can "Break Free". And when we do this, I thought it would inspire others to do the same, until everyone no longer has to be chained.

Here to critique, little sister *awesome face*

Light_Devil! wrote:I’m trying to break free,
(A poor sparrow, me, wishes to burst into the sky)
Of this mould which tries to shape me,
(Broken bleeding wings keep my soul grounded)
Turning my mind
(Which is scattered with lingering grains; memories, filled with song)
Into something twisted and angry,
(The melody for it long gone)

I really like this first stanza; the imagery is really thoughtful. I have a suggestion for the formatting. You could centre the second poem, so it's more separate, and therefore get rid of the brackets (that look kinda ugly in such a nice poem) which I've done for you in the next stanza:

Light_Devil! wrote:The prison I am in is squeezing me tight,

The cage bars coldness eating into me

And I wonder if I’ll ever escape

The others watching of me

The eyes only holding disdain,

They wish to soar as I know one day I will

Though they too are unknowingly held by invisible chains,

And the others cannot see the freedom I know is there

I think there should be a comma in the line, "The prison I am in, is squeezing me tight,". The second line sounds really awkward, could you reword it? ie, "The coldness of the cage bars eat into me." I also can't help but think that the second half of this poem should all end in me, seeing as the first two lines do, if you know what I mean. So, "They wish to soar in the sky like me," and, "And they cannot see the freedom like me."

Light_Devil! wrote:But first I have to reform this caste,
(I have to wait for my wings to heal)
And re-imagine my mind,
(Fill my head with the half-remembered song)
Finally, when the time is upon me,
(The freedom so close my beak can almost touch it)
I’ll break free
(Spread my little sparrow wings and fly)
And those still in their chains will disdain me,
(I will be gliding high above, not caring)
Though I will now be their freedom
(Those other poor little sparrows might follow my path)
And one day, maybe…
( - We will soar together. - )

"Caste" seems like such an odd word to use... Also, re-imagine sounds weird; why not "recreate", "redesign", "rebuild"? Other than that, I really liked this last stanza, the two interweaving poems work so well together, and I love how you ended on a conjunction of the two poems. I do think you should get rid of the full stop though, looks weird

Light_Devil! wrote:You can read the itallics seperate from the normal font, and vice versa, it should still make sense. But if you read them together it seems right. Just in case you're wondering, this is made in reference to the restrictions we put on ourselves. We cannot act this way, we have to act that way, this stereotype is right, no, this one is. The chains we bind ourselves, each day they grow heavier. The meaning of this poem is that before we can stop encaging ourselves we first need to take the time to take a moment to find out what we are chaining ourselves with and after that we can "Break Free". And when we do this, I thought it would inspire others to do the same, until everyone no longer has to be chained.

That's a really heavy issue you've addressed with these two poems. I have to wonder why you chose sparrows though. Traditionally sparrows aren't kept as pets. But you mentioned somewhere that the sparrow had to heal his/her wings - was the sparrow at a veterinary clinic? OR! Wow, was he captured and had his wings clipped so he couldn't fly? That's awesome. So many different theories could spring up from this poem.

Well done

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Edit: wth is with my post? It's all broken.