Forbidden Desire

Once someone told me something about desire
They said to ignore it, for it was a forbidden concept
They said nothing good would come from it
Yet...I was curious and intriuged
Telling me not to desire was the same as telling me to desire

To act against the wishes of those who claim to care
That was what my life was consisted of
Disobedience
Or at least thats what they say
But why should I believe them?
Because they say they 'love' me?

Love...
A word that contradicts hate in more than one way
The word 'love' is thrown around like nothing
Yet the word 'hate' is rarely taken lightly
Should they not be equal?

No...love creates desire
Unless that is lust...
Who knows for sure, all I know is I called upon this 'love' and was answered with a desire
A desire I longed for night and day
Before I knew it...that desire had become a need
A necessity to living
As important to me as water

Unfortunately for me...I craved for the desire
And as soon as I realized I couldn't live without it
I found out it was one thing
Forbidden
Maybe those liers that claimed they cared weren't lying when they said no good would come from desire
And yet...I still want what I can't have
I guess there really isn't a way to stop human nature

Hello:)

It was interesting.

My first thing is that I didn't notice that much punctuation, however I am not sure if that is just me so you may need to look into that.

Your second to last stanza I didn't like as much as the rest. It seemed more flat and had less feel to it. It just needs maybe one line more to make it stand out because that is what links the poem to the title.

For a poem, there wasn't much flow. It felt very all over the place, and if I'm being honest, I don't think it does it any favours.

I am not the best on grammar itself, but everything in this piece seemed to be correct.

I liked your use of elliptical writing in places as it shows real skill in the writer to be able to convey this well within a piece so bravo for that.

It feels like the poem draws to an end to soon. It feels like the poem The Laboratory to start with, but then it kinda ends suddenly. If you look at that poems length, I think that length is the type of length you need to be aiming for to make this poem work.

As it stands it is a good piece and shows a lot of potential. I would keep this up and just change a few minor things.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hmmm....thanks for the tips. I'm going to look into everything you said, its really helpful.

I find this poem very interesting...

About forbidden desire? Just like the 7 Deadly Sins.

Too much desire leads to sin and sin leads to a very deadly consequences.

It's not bad to love others but too much leads to lust. One thing foremost, we must use not our heart and emotions instead we must also think before doing something.

I like this stanza:

"No...love creates desire
Unless that is lust...
Who knows for sure, all I know is I called upon this 'love' and was answered with a desire
A desire I longed for night and day
Before I knew it...that desire had become a need
A necessity to living
As important to me as water"

It is true that love creates desire leading to lust but we must learn to control ourselves so that there would be no
conflicts in the society. It also causes some addictive impact to our lives especially social.

Very nice poem and even though there are some discrepancies, I like the way you express yourself here.

Keep writing

Wow.

I can see you are a very good writer and will be very popular around here as we love writers with talent.

This piece is so common amongst us humans, but few have the audacity to write about it. Because writing makes it final and most are scared to accept finality. But away with my speech and on to the review.

As stated above their are is need of more punctuation, but if you come to know me I believe that repetition when not needed as in writing, gets on ones nerves. But I also believe that as a writer you are free to express yourself in any way. So if you want to skip a few language lessons that's okay with me, but don't forget them.