I Never Understood

I can see this crystal clear lake,
Like a tear from God's Own Eye,

I can feel this chilling wind,
Like Adam's first breath,

The flowers smell like orange blossom,
Eve's sweet scented perfumes,

And the crickets chirp, frogs sing bass,
A gentle soft rock,

The stars are pinned to the sky,
All the creatures of the forest,
Sit around the lake of life and listen,
To their tales from ages gone by,

But wait,
There's a man,
Dressed in the colour of the devil's blood,

The animals scatter,
The sky turns dim and a smoke covers the stars,
He calls for his logger buddies,

With a gleam in his eye he dives into the lake,
He stabs the earth,
It bleeds the colour of death,

And the crickets die,
The flowers wilt,
The wind storms up,
And God weeps up a storm of rage,

The Devil walks away,
A bucket in his hand,
His job is complete,
Now I understand,

Hey there
Im not really here to give you a review. I just wanted to say that's some amazing poetry skills you have. I enjoyed this very much. keep up the great work

Have a good day,
Tiffany

Hii Hero :] Wow, you're poem is prettyy....well, until the "devil" comes in, but that part's cool too :]
Okay. Comments/Corrections are in bold.

I can see this crystal clear lake,
Like a tear from God's Own Eye, I don't think you need to capitalize "own" and "eye" here...

I can feel this chilling wind, The word "chilling" is giving an eerie impression, which has nothing to do with the atmosphere you're setting. Try "chilled" instead.
Like Adam's first breath,

The flowers smell like orange blossom, I think you can put these two lines together with the next two to make a quatrain.
Eve's sweet scented perfumes,

And the crickets chirp, frogs sing bass,
A gentle soft rock, This line seems to short for the rhythm of then poem. Maybe you can add another adjective?

The stars are pinned to the sky, Period instead of a comma here.
All the creatures of the forest,
Sit around the lake of life and listen,
To their tales from ages gone by,

But wait, Period instead of a comma here.
There's a man,
Dressed in the colour of the devil's blood,

The animals scatter,
The sky turns dim and a smoke covers the stars,Period instead of a comma. Instead of writing "turns dim", I think you can just use "dims"
He calls for his logger buddies, Period instead of a comma. This line is too informal for the poem. The word "buddies doesn't really fit well

With a gleam in his eye he dives into the lake, Period instead of a comma.
He stabs the earth,
It bleeds the colour of death,

And the crickets die,
The flowers wilt,
The wind storms up,
And God weeps up a storm of rage, I think you should take out "up" here.

The Devil walks away,
A bucket in his hand,
His job is complete,
Now I understand,Period instead of comma.

OVERALL: I loved the idea of the poem and the way you described nature. It seemed so raw and fresh. I especially liked this line...

The stars are pinned to the sky,

It's almost as if you're saying the stars would never fall away. Great job :]
-Ace

Wow, this poem is really good. I enjoyed your details. You truly have a talent at writing poetry and weaving wonderful detail seamlessly into your writing. I loved your unique aspect and view of this poem. It was an amazing and refreshing read over all. I also agree with ace about your rawness and freshness. (:

But as always, I have to point out some flaw, because I am here to review. So, here i go.

I can feel this chilling wind,
Like Adam's first breath,
The flowers smell like orange blossom,
Like Eve's sweet scented perfumes,

I combined these two stanzas, because I felt they belonged together. When I read it, my mind just acted like they were in the same stanza. Also may I point out how much I love your comparison with Adam and Eve. It might be why I felt the stanzas belonged with each other just like Adam and Eve.

And the crickets chirp, frogs sing bass,
A gentle soft rock melody,

I thought the shortness of the second line and the length of the first didn't work well together, so I added melody. Also, it makes things a little clearer of what your trying to portray. ( I don't know what your trying to portray, so I recommend you using your own word there or shortening the first line.)

But wait,
There's a man,
Dressed in the colour of the devil's blood,

This stanza seems kind of simple compared to your other stanzas. To me, it feels like you just forgot to add your unique detail talent to it.

The animals scatter,
The sky turns dim
A smoke covers the stars,
He calls for his logger buddies,

I just think that your original line seemed really long compared to everything else in the stanza, so I separated it. I think it flows better too.


This is advice and based on my opinion, so don't follow any of it if it doesn't feel right to you. (: I hope I helped!

Much love,
Morgan(:

Awesomeness
That is all...