Where do I Find a Green Rose? Chapter I pt. 2

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(At last! I'm back for this new piece. Lol Hope you could find time reviewing it. Thanks!)

Project deadlines, final exams, paper on dues and alike -- such things occupy every student's mind as school year ends. Sam's system is way different. He is more concerned on how he will spend the coming vacation, especially it's summer time. He loves being with his buddies every Summer, doing all the stuffs they enjoy. It is also every Summer, Sam gets to spend more time with his younger brother, Miguel.

Sam usually rides his bike to go to school. Thus, Princeton University is just three streets away from where he lives. On this day, Sam will be a student volunteer as a tour guide. The university will open its house for all the Senior high school students in town, inviting them to see what inside the school, play some games and decide of entering Princeton for college.

Sam maneuvered his bike as he rushed down the street, headed to the university's main gate. He carefully parked his bike and went to meet Daniel.

Daniel Bolton, the city mayor's son, is also one of Sam's best buddies. He loves to stay at the library, spending time reading books. Aside from being active in his academics, Daniel is up to different kinds of sports. Every girl in Princeton would want to know him for being such prominent. Definitely, it's the same reason which makes every guy in the university, envy his place.

"Bro! I'm here!," Daniel called his friend Sam enthusiastically.

Sam saw his friend, Daniel and approached the bench beside an old cedar tree where he was.

"Oh, I thought you were at the library," Sam told his friend.

"Yeah, I've been there already but I am not yet finished reading it." Daniel said with a smile, handed the book Sam lend him, "Thanks a lot bro."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "You said you haven't finished it yet."

"Yes, that's why I bought my own copy!" Daniel told Sam, "Paulo Coelho is awesome, I really like it." he added.

Sam chuckled, "Well, it took me two weeks to earn the money it cost me, but you, you just have all stuffs right away."

"Well, Dad do gave me full allowance," Daniel said in an ardent manner, "Known me as a bookworm, you shouldn't be surprised even if I buy the whole shelve of Coelho's work."

The two young boys laughed out loud from where they are. Indeed, it was an amusement at the bench beside an old cedar tree.

***
Last edited by iamjemo on Mon Apr 04, 2011 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hi, Jemoooo! :D I'm here to review your chapter. This chapter was good, it was nice and entertaining. About the grammar, the only thing I found was the comma thing in the dialog... but that's no problem, just fix the other dialogs and Keep.Writing.It.
P.S. I love your writing style. :)


"Oh, I thought you're at the library." Sam told his friend.

There should be a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said")
"Oh, I thought you're at the library." Sam told his friend.


"Yeah, I've been there already but I am not yet finished reading it." Daniel said with a smile, handed the book Sam lend him, "Thanks a lot bro."

"Yeah, I've been there already but I am not yet finished reading it." ( :arrow: See? There is supposed to be a comma, because then you said "Daniel said") Daniel said with a smile, handed the book Sam lend him, "Thanks a lot bro." ( :arrow: and... here is supposed to be a period, because you never said "He said/She said")

*SMILES & WAVES*
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Hi Jemo, Pink here, dropping by to do a short review :)

He loves being with his buddies every Summer, doing all the stuffs they enjoy

I would substitute stuffs for something else because it just sounds weird and unprofessional. Plus, it made me stop reading and pause.

Sam gets to spend more time with his younger brother, Miguel.


inviting them to see what inside the school, play some games and decide of entering Princeton for college.

What is inside the campus (would use campus instead of school).
Also, decide whether or not they would enter Princeton for college.

"Oh, I thought you were at the library," Sam told his friend.

Don't need the period since the quote is being said :)

"Are you sure?, you said you haven't done with it yet." Sam asked his friend.

I would rephrase this to,
"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "You said you haven't finished it yet."
See?

you just have all stuffs right away."

Again with the 'stuffs' I would change it.

***********************************
Overall
What drew me to this story was the Green rose part in your title. I heard those are only found in Heaven or something and I was interested in seeing what exactly your story was about. This piece only gives some minor detail about Sam's life and college. You introduce a buddy and that's about it. Try giving us more detail or just a sight hint of the plot.
Your grammar also needs some work. My main problem was the commas. I've provided you with a Link that can help explain where a comma should be used and how to use them properly.
Well, that's about all, keep writing!

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.
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