The Scene

Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

A razor, in the bathroom,
shining with artificial light,
reflects the evidence, unseen.

A flash, off in the distance
a discovery, gruesome and crude.
The shaking hands, they capture,
from the scene, a feeling,
that this is all a cruel dream.

i liked this poem, but i got lost in the last stanza. i was confused about the flash was off in the distance, or what the discovery was... =)

Hi, originalhobbit! This is unusual, to be sure, and it's nice to read a poem that's a bit more ambiguous than most of the pieces on here.

Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

I really like this opening stanza. Beginning with this strong grisly image is like a smack in the face, but in a good way. The last line bothers me, though. I think "beg to be cleaned" would be better, since it eliminates the passiveness of "are begging" which just doesn't sound as good.

A razor, in the bathroom,
shining with artificial light,
reflects the evidence, unseen.

So now we've moved from the carpeting to the bathroom. Hmm. Interesting. A razor suggests suicide, as in slitting the wrists, which would go along with the hands themselves being soaked with red. Am I on the right track? Anyway, good stanza, but I'm not sure about the comma after "razor" and I think you could find a better word than "shining." Perhaps "glinting"? There's so many better words that mean to shine.

A flash, off in the distance
a discovery, gruesome and crude.
The shaking hands, they capture,
from the scene, a feeling,
that this is all a cruel dream.

All these commas everywhere give the piece a very disruptive flow, but perhaps that's what you were going for, now that I think about it... The flash made me think of a crime scene photographer using his camera, and the title itself makes me think of a CSI now.

Overall this piece leaves me a little befuddled, but honestly I'm not too upset about that. It means that your writing has made me think! Good job. But I want more. If I'm right in thinking this is a crime scene photographer at the end, I want to know why his/her hands are shaking, why he/she wishes that this is all just a cruel dream. Did they know the victim personally? I want to know more! This piece could have a juicy emotional impact. But this is just quibbling, the piece is good as it is. If this is a depiction of suicide, I think you deserve credit for taking such a common topic (at least in "emo poetry," which this is not) and portraying it in a more interesting fashion. I'm anxious to see more work from you, keep writing!

Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

This was a good beginning. Very shocking, good imagery. The flow was a bit disrupted by the 'Soaked with red' bit but it was needed in the line.

A razor, in the bathroom,
shining with artificial light,
reflects the evidence, unseen.

I don't get the last line. What evidence unseen? I'm guessing this is about a cutter.

A flash, off in the distance
a discovery, gruesome and crude.
The shaking hands, they capture,
from the scene, a feeling,
that this is all a cruel dream.

This bit was my favorite bit. But its also the most confusing bit. Is someone dreaming about cutting themselves or is this person dreaming about someone else cutting themselves or is it a cruel dream as in they wish it would end?

Overall this was a good poem. It had many strong emotions in it. The imagery was good, the flow was average as a couple of words hitched it.

Keep Writing

Anger

originalhobbit,

Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

As with every piece of writing, you need a hook. In every novel you pick up, every short story and, yes, in every poem, the first line or two is a hook. Let's take a look at the picture you present us in the first line. "Red stains on the carpet". Honestly, it's caught my attention because you used a mildly interesting verb: stains. But in poetry, every single word you use must be as strong as it can possibly be. In that first line, you use three relatively boring words: on the carpet. In all of the years that I've been writing poetry, I've been nailed in the head for using weak words. Because poetry is so much more limiting than prose, you must use every word to your advantage. But anyway. I'm sorry for rambling about the hook so much. I just want to stress the importance of choosing strong, meaningful words.

Another thing I'd like to point out is your comma use. It seems, like, every other, word, is, seperated, by a, comma. It's really frustrating. And because you use these commas so much, you tend to use a passive voice. For example, your last three lines of the first stanza:

contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

I have always been confused at what a passive voice meant. Really, it's using unnecessary words to form a sentence. When you take out those words, the sentence becomes much stronger. For example, a simple edit:

contrast the brilliant white.
The hands that left them, soaked with red,
beg to be cleaned.

Notice the changes I made. Okay, going back to what I was saying about the hook--you need to use stronger words. I've gone ahead and bolded some of your weaker words that you could easily change. Just remember that you need to use every word to your advantage. You can't let a weak verb or a silly adjective take away from the feeling you're trying to relay to the audience. Go through this and mark every word that could be stronger and change it.

These are the common errors that were present throughout the poem. It was nice, but if you decide to revise it, please let me know. I'll be glad to come back and help you with it. I only wish the best for you and your writings, so please feel free to let me know how you feel.

-Jared

Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

I like the contrast between the blood and the carpet. I also like how you describe the hands as "begging" to be cleaned, giving the hands personification

A razor, in the bathroom,
shining with artificial light,
reflects the evidence, unseen.

Alright, second stanza. I don't really understand how we went from the carpet to the bathroom? Did the person cut themselves with a razor and end up on the floor? And is the evidence unseen the hidden truth? I'm a bit confused by that.

A flash, off in the distance
a discovery, gruesome and crude.
The shaking hands, they capture,
from the scene, a feeling,
that this is all a cruel dream.

Okay, was this all a dream? Or did the person pass out? The ending, for me was a bit confusing because it can be comprehended in many ways. Also, the flash, what is it?

I like this poem yet it troubles me in the last stanza. Still it is a great poem... do more writing..

originalhobbit wrote:Red stains on the carpet,
contrasting brilliant white,
the hands that left them, soaked with red,
are begging to be cleaned.

A razor, in the bathroom,
shining with artificial light,
reflects the evidence, unseen.

A flash, off in the distance
a discovery, gruesome and crude.
The shaking hands, they capture,
from the scene, a feeling,
that this is all a cruel dream.