The Fate of Hubrisius

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The Fate of Hubrisius

Pyrrha, Epimetheus’ daughter, and Deucalion, her husband and Prometheus’ son, were the sole survivors during Zeus’ grand Deluge. The Deluge of Deucalion, as it is called, was intended by Zeus to expunge the surface of the earth of a nefarious human race. Following the Deluge, Pyrrha and Deucalion created a new form of humans using rocks. Subsequent to this feat and during the settlement of the new human race, the saviours of the latter had their first-born son called Hubrisius.
As an infant, he was well liked among the Olympians mainly for his looks and charisma. He was remarkably well-spoken and had a complaisant answer for everything. His appearance, also, did not fall short from being coveted by many; he had luscious golden spiral-like curls with an olive complexion and angel blue eyes. Although not quite considered an Olympian, he lived with the clan on Mount Olympus as an adopted member simply for his innate charm.
However, Zeus sensed him to be arrogant and borderline narcissistic which made the Olympians accuse the Mighty God of being envious and resentful. To show them, Zeus humiliated Hubrisius by making him god of pride and vanity which were two traits that, if possessed, were frown upon in Ancient Greece. In spite of his conspicuous popularity as an infant, Hubrisius was isolated, in the social sense, by the gods. Nevertheless, he grew up to be egocentric and pretentious just as Zeus had anticipated. For many years, he roamed the regions outside the limits of Athens in a solitary state; however, his ego hadn’t deflated.
Hubrisius tired of being neglected by the other gods started telling mortals that he was the most imminent and influential god. They also built, in his honour, temples all across Athens to worship the newly beloved god. He persuaded them that vanity and pride were virtues that were imperative to any human being. Subsequently, mere mortals started to esteem themselves among the ranks of gods and goddesses.
Zeus, upon hearing about the infuriating turmoil that Hubrisius had initiated, decided to punish him. He created a cave and positioned it near the clear limited stream of Eridanos which passed through Athens coming from the foothills of Mount Lykabettos. It was also considered to be Hubrisius’ safe haven. Self-love being one of the gods of pride’s weaknesses, the cave was reflective which was alluring to the young god of vanity and pride. The foolish and shallow Hubrisius was lured into the tenebrous cave just as a colossal rock closed off the entrance.
Stricken by fear, he was petrified into place. He promptly felt, one by one, tiny claw-like extremities crawling progressively on his legs followed by his chest while pricking and pinching his tingling skin. As the claw-like limbs made its way further up his now twitching body, he heard a stiffening hissing sound. Afterwards, he felt a long viscous entity slithering effortlessly around his right leg; this sensation was followed by many more similar “sensations” however slightly less perceptible.
Just as the latter was making its way to the unfortunate soul’s ear canal and mouth, a bright light appear followed by a roaring laugh that vaguely shook the cave’s walls. In front of, the now convulsing, Hubrisius stood Zeus. With a booming voice he said: “May this be a reminder that none can ever be comparable to my eminence. I am the almighty and may this instil some sense in whoever wishes in the future to emulate me”. As he said this, Hubrisius look down to find thousands of tiny creatures with hairy limbs, viscous masses sluggishly crawling his body and a giant rope-like creature clasping onto his right leg.
The traumatic sight made the god quiver in horror as he let out a shriek. With a malevolent sneer spread across his features, Zeus said: “Your impudence and blasphemous ways have spawned those creations that I conceived called invertebrates. From the soil they were created and possess no skeleton. They are to devour you until you are but the size of only one of them, the maggot. Hence, you will feel shame by being reduced to a negligible form for all eternity by insignificant boneless critters.”
It took five tedious days for Hubrisius to be degraded to the size of a maggot by a terrifyingly elongated ribbon worm followed by snails, leeches, arachnids, flies, scorpions, beetles and many more invertebrates that filled the deceptive cave. Following the god’s torture, Hermes visited the earth and eradicated all indication of Hubrisius existence in Athens such as the temples that were built to worship the god of pride and vanity and the written forms of his doctrine. Furthermore, the messenger to the gods informed the humans of Hubrisius’ fate and Zeus’ wrath.
The ruler of the gods let the newly created animals roam the earth as a reminder of his power. Zeus had given the creatures the task to remind the humans that he has the power to reduce all of them to what he chooses. Upon hearing of Hubrisius’ gruesome new condition, those creatures instilled fear in whoever crossed their way. That primitive fear is still present in some humans today.




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Hi there Anne,

This is well written, and as such, my only comments on any technical matters would probably be nit picks. In fact, I only really have three semi-objective things on that front. One is that you should probably use commas instead of colons before dialogue, at least as long as you're using 'said' or anything similar to it.

The next is one sentence I can see from the Quick Reply box: "Upon hearing of Hubrisius' gruesome new condition, those creatures instilled fear in whoever crossed their way." On the most nitpickiest of nitpickings, 'whoever' should be 'whomever'--and, more importantly, I don't think this sentence is saying what you think it's saying. Most readers would understand your meaning, but from a grammar standpoint, that sentence actually translates to, "Those creatures, when they heard of H's new gruesome condition, instilled fear in whomever crossed their way," instead of "Those creatures instilled fear in whomever crossed their way after whomever crossed their way had heard of H's new condition."

And finally, there are a few instances where you get a little carried away with the rearranging and sentences get odd as a result. Read aloud and you'll probably find the awkward phrasings for yourself.

But anyway, all that's really not all that important.

What is important is that this reads like an enthusiastic report until the very last sentence, where it seems like you might have a story to tell. And while it would make a very stellar report indeed, I don't think you want it to feel like a report if you've posted it in this (fiction) section. My best guess is that this is the mythological back story for a story to come? Or maybe my miserable knowledge of Greek mythology has failed me entirely and this is in fact a report of sorts, in the wrong section.

Is this a prologue? Are there chapters to come? I don't know. I'm confused.

Again, written well and all... but ?

Rach




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Hey Anne :)

Pyrrha, Epimetheus’ daughter, and Deucalion, her husband and Prometheus’ son, were the sole survivors during Zeus’ grand Deluge. - There is nothing particularly wrong with this first sentence it's just that you have to try and hook a reader in from your first sentence and you are using a lot of long and complicated names here that may put people off and you are also squeezing a lot of information into one sentence. I know I had to read it a few times to properly understand. I would kind of equate it to introducing 5 characters in one sentence, it's confusing for the reader. I would just consider maybe switching this sentence up a bit so you don't put readers off.

if possessed, were frown upon in Ancient Greece. - I think you mean 'frowned' not 'frown'

Hubrisius tired of being neglected by the other gods started telling mortals that he was the most imminent and influential god. - I think maybe there should be an 'and' in this sentence - 'Hubrisius tired of being neglected by the other gods and started telling mortals...'

They also built, in his honour, temples all across Athens to worship the newly beloved god. - I think that you use this type of sentence a bit too much in this story. What I mean is the use of interrupter commas within sentences. It just feels like you are using this device a little too much.

As the claw-like limbs made its way further up his now twitching body - You switched from plural to singular here I believe. 'limbs' being the plural and 'its' being the singular. It should probably be 'claw-like limbs made their way further up...'

Stricken by fear, he was petrified into place. He promptly felt, one by one, tiny claw-like extremities crawling progressively on his legs followed by his chest while pricking and pinching his tingling skin. As the claw-like limbs made its way further up his now twitching body, he heard a stiffening hissing sound. Afterwards, he felt a long viscous entity slithering effortlessly around his right leg; this sensation was followed by many more similar “sensations” however slightly less perceptible. - I think this paragraph is a little confusing. I'm not exactly sure what is climbing up him? or what is going on. It might be because you haven't gone with first or third person but rather this narrative voice and so you are trying to switch from telling the reader what happened to trying to show it and I don't think it's quite work because the narrative voice isn't part of the story world.

a bright light appear followed by a roaring laugh that vaguely shook the cave’s walls.
- Probably should be 'appeared' not 'appear'

Hubrisius look down to find thousands of tiny creatures with hairy limbs, viscous masses sluggishly crawling his body and a giant rope-like creature clasping onto his right leg. - It should be 'looked down to find' and also I think you need an extra word here 'viscous masses sluggishly crawling over his body..."

Overall
This story was definitely interesting and I liked the moral of it and how it was like the creation of invertebrates! I would pick on it for being mostly telling and not showing but it's kind of like the retelling of a myth of a legend and so it kind of lends itself to that type of story telling. However I think in the middle, where Hubrisius is getting crawled all over with the bugs, it gets a little confusing because you are trying to go from telling to showing and it's not really working out. Maybe if you just tried to stick to telling it might work better. Also as I said before you use a lot of interrupter commas in your sentences. I mean it was sentence after sentence and after a while that started to somewhat annoy me. The thing with interrupter commas is that they...interrupt the flow of the sentence so they are kind of stopping your story from really flowing. Other than that the quality of the writing was pretty good. I'm wondering if this is just a one off or the beginning of something?

Hope that helped! If you have any questions feel free to PM me :)

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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Hey :) You have two really good reviews so far, but I'll add my own thoughts too. Comments in red, repetition, if there is any, in green.

AnneFavory wrote:The Fate of Hubrisius [If I wasn't in the mood to critique, I'd already be scared off by the title. Immediately I know the story will be about a god, and that, more than likely, the story will follow the standard plot line of the myths about that legend. This is why I find that writing about your own made up gods and own made up races shows more ingenuity. It's hard to make a standard myth/character your own. I wouldn't go as far as to call it fan fiction, but yeah :P Also, by using the word "fate", it makes it clear that the end of the story will result in Hubrisius' death.]

Pyrrha, Epimetheus’ daughter, and Deucalion, her husband and Prometheus’ son, were the sole survivors during Zeus’ grand Deluge [:( See, these are the main problems with "real" gods. 1) They have excruciatingly hard names to pronounce and spell and 2) You, the writer, assumes that me, the reader, knows who these gods are. Who's Zeus? :3 Don't worry, I know who Zeus is, but does everyone else?]. The Deluge of Deucalion, as it is called, was intended by Zeus to expunge the surface of the earth of a nefarious human race [. . . nefarious? Expunge? Do you really need the archaic word "expunge"? And surely not all humans are nefarious.]. Following the Deluge, Pyrrha and Deucalion created a new form of humans using rocks. Subsequent to this feat and during the settlement of the new human race, the saviours of the latter had their first-born son called Hubrisius.

As an infant, he was well liked among the Olympians mainly for his looks and charisma. He was remarkably well-spoken and had a complaisant answer for everything. His appearance, also, did not fall short from being coveted by many; he had luscious golden spiral-like curls with an olive complexion and angel blue eyes. Although not quite considered an Olympian, he lived with the clan on Mount Olympus as an adopted member simply for his innate charm. [I like his description. I just hope he doesn't end up being a Mary Sue.]

However, Zeus sensed him to be arrogant and borderline narcissistic which made the Olympians accuse the Mighty God of being envious and resentful. To show them [lulwut? You use the words "expunge" and "nefarious", but then say, "to show them"? That makes no sense.] , Zeus humiliated Hubrisius by making him god of pride and vanity which were two traits that, if possessed, were frown frowned upon in Ancient Greece [This sentence is a bit awkward]. In spite of his conspicuous popularity as an infant, Hubrisius was isolated, in the social sense, by the gods. Nevertheless, he grew up to be egocentric and pretentious just as Zeus had anticipated [These two sentences should be combined, "In spite of his conspicuous popularity as an infant, Hubrisis grew up to be egocentric and pretentious just as Zeus had anticipated; he became isolated, in the social sense, by the gods."]. For many years, he roamed the regions outside the limits of Athens in a solitary state; however, his ego hadn’t deflated.

Hubrisius tired of being neglected by the other gods, started telling mortals that he was the most imminent and influential god. They also built, in his honour, temples all across Athens to worship the newly beloved god. He persuaded them that vanity and pride were virtues that were imperative to any human being. Subsequently, mere mortals started to esteem themselves among the ranks of gods and goddesses.

Zeus, upon hearing about the infuriating turmoil that Hubrisius had initiated, decided to punish him. He created a cave and positioned it near the clear limited stream ["clear limited stream"?] of Eridanos which passed through Athens coming from the foothills of Mount Lykabettos. It was also considered to be Hubrisius’ Hubrisius considered it his safe haven. Self-love being one of the gods of pride’s weaknesses, the cave was reflective which was alluring to the young god of vanity and pride [A very confusing sentence]. The foolish and shallow Hubrisius was lured into the tenebrous cave just as a colossal rock closed off the entrance.

Stricken by fear, he was petrified into place. He promptly felt, one by one, tiny claw-like extremities crawling progressively on his legs followed by his chest while pricking and pinching his tingling skin. As the claw-like limbs made its their way further up his now twitching body, he heard a stiffening ["stiffening"?] hissing sound. Afterwards, he felt a long viscous entity slithering effortlessly around his right leg; this sensation was followed by many more similar “sensations” however slightly less perceptible.

Just as the latter was making its way to the unfortunate soul’s ear canal and mouth, a bright light appear followed by a roaring laugh that vaguely shook the cave’s walls. In front of, the now convulsing, Hubrisius stood Zeus [Your commas are in the wrong places, should be, "In front of the now convulsing Hubrisius, stood Zeus."]. With a booming voice he said: “May this be a reminder that none can ever be comparable to my eminence. I am the almighty and may this instil some sense in whoever wishes in the future to emulate me”. As he said this, Hubrisius look down to find thousands of tiny creatures with hairy limbs, viscous masses sluggishly crawling his body and a giant rope-like creature clasping onto his right leg.

The traumatic sight made the god quiver in horror as he let out a shriek. With a malevolent sneer spread across his features, Zeus said: “Your impudence and blasphemous ways have spawned those creations that I conceived called invertebrates. From the soil they were created and possess no skeleton. They are to devour you until you are but the size of only one of them, the maggot. Hence, you will feel shame by being reduced to a negligible form for all eternity by insignificant boneless critters.”

It took five tedious days for Hubrisius to be degraded to the size of a maggot by a terrifyingly elongated ribbon worm followed by snails, leeches, arachnids, flies, scorpions, beetles and many more invertebrates that filled the deceptive cave. Following the god’s torture, Hermes [It'd be a nice touch to tell the reader who Hermes is. He's the messenger, right?] visited the earth and eradicated all indication of Hubrisius' existence in Athens such as the temples that were built to worship the god of pride and vanity and the written forms of his doctrine. Furthermore, the messenger to the gods informed the humans of Hubrisius’ fate and Zeus’ wrath.

The ruler of the gods let the newly created animals roam the earth as a reminder of his power [Wait , what? I had no idea you were once again referring to the invertebrates. You lead me off on a tangent about Hermes, so you have to provide a loop back to the creatures.]. Zeus had given the creatures the task to remind the humans that he has the power to reduce all of them to what he chooses. Upon hearing of Hubrisius’ gruesome new condition, those creatures instilled fear in whoever crossed their way. That primitive fear is still present in some humans today.


It's not a bad story.

Characters: 6/10
We were told the names of the characters, but only Zeus and Hubrisius were deepened into real characters. The story would have been more in depth if "Pyrrha, Epimetheus’ daughter, and Deucalion, her husband and Prometheus" were more explained as characters. As it stands, they were people just randomly dropped in at the beginning and then never mentioned again.

Plot: 5/10
It was an interesting story. At the moment it seems to be just an outline of something that could be way bigger and better. I would love to read this as a full blown novel. I realize that it is a "moral" story, so I understand if you decide to keep it as it is.

Setting: 5/10
The settings were really not described. If someone knew nothing of Mount Olympus, they wouldn't have the visions of a kingdom made up of clouds the way I do. The river/valley/cave was described, but not in a "Oh wow, that sounds beautiful" kind of way. I don't know if setting descriptions would improve the story, but if you've gone to the trouble of describing the MC's lucious golden locks and baby blue eyes, you could do the same with the surroundings.

Grammar: 9/10
There were basically no mistakes in terms of grammar. One of the better pieces I've seen here in the fantasy section. Keep up the good work :)

Overall: 6.25/10
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.



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