The Beat Road

October’s Monday, morning,
a grey drizzle
clad the grey town,
and the smell of shone-shine
and wet cigarettes
still with lipstick marks
and the soured beer
on the short dresses
that slide up the thighs
of the young, brazen,
fresh girls from
the night before. Fresh,
like the brewing coffee
that the businessman’s fingers

clenched

and unclenched on.

Hey there! Welcome to YWS!

Now to review.

Honestly, this poem doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I like your wording in that in certain lines it gives good imagery, but in others, I'm not sure what I should be imagining, or what I am supposed to be seeing.

For this poem, you have given little to identify the purpose of this poem, and it's subject. This leaves the reader a little confused.

Also, the incompleteness of each line makes this poem a little difficult to decipher - I think you could work on bringing your point across more and having an objective for each line, because what is the point of saying something that means nothing?

Another thing I think you could work on is trying not to repeat your adjectives e.g. in the 2nd and 3rd line you have described both things as being 'grey'.

So to sum that up, try to give the poem a solid base point and purpose, and try to use a wider range of descriptive words so that you are not constantly using the same verb or adjective. I think you made a pretty good effort, and would like to see some more of your work.

Thanks for posting this & keep writing.

PM me if you have any questions or would like me to explain on anything. I hope I have helped,
Mo.

This was cool, but vague, now vague is not bad, but this one may be a little too vague. There is a lot of room where you can place a subtle word or phrase to give it a more pointed feel. It can, in a sense, be broken into three parts the intro:

"October’s Monday, morning,
a grey drizzle
clad the grey town,
and the smell of shone-shine"

A grey drizzling monday morning, what could be worse right? Then you get into describing what some may describe as "moral decay."

"and wet cigarettes
still with lipstick marks
and the soured beer
on the short dresses
that slide up the thighs
of the young, brazen,
fresh girls from
the night before"

Then there is the businessman:

" Fresh,
like the brewing coffee
that the businessman’s fingers

clenched

and unclenched on."

and here i think a simple "young" or "old" would fit nicely, for it would insinuate that either, being young, he may have been the one that hurled his drink on the brazen woman's dress the night before, and clenches the cup in regret (possibly), or old, and thus he clenches the cup in disdain.

To sum it up: excellent foundation and there's a lot of subtle ways you can tweak it to give it some moral depth and thereby make it a great compact piece of writing.

Thank you, Modernist. I like you. (:

Hey *waves*

October’s Monday, morning,
a grey drizzle
clad the grey town,
and the smell of shone-shine

This was going great until the bit about Shone-shine. I was like huh?

There is a lot of 'and' in the poem maybe you could replace it with a different phrase as it seems repetitive after a while. Except from that it was rather good, the imagery was okay although it can be improved upon. I didn't really get the flow.

Keep Writing.

Anger