I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about Tristan too much which only made me worry about Kevin and worry that I wasn’t thinking about Kevin. But I didn’t want to think about Kevin and I would go back to thinking about Tristan.
I rolled over to look at the digital clock, a sharp red 4:51 pierced through the darkness. I’d been awake for an hour, those thoughts cycling dangerously through my head. I sat up, giving up on sleep.
Through my window I could see the ocean. Peaceful and relaxing. I decided a walk on the beach is the best way to clear one’s head, so, grabbing a sweatshirt, I creaked open the bedroom door, careful not to wake Anna.
I crept down the hallway, past the bathroom, Kevin’s parent’s room, and the boys room at the end of the hall. Down the stairs, wincing as they squeaked, out the back door, closing it slowly behind me.
The air was cool and refreshing, little goose bumps rose on my bare legs. The sky was still dark, the sun preoccupied on the other side of the Earth, but as I crept down the path to the beach I could see it resting lazily on the horizon.
I pulled off my shoes and waded into the water, it was cold but it felt good. I was feeling better already. I thought about swimming, stripping down and submerging into the cool water. Who would be on the beach this hour?
As if to answer my question there was a soft crunch of sand behind me. I turned around. Spotlighted in the faint sunlight was Tristan. My breath caught.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I heard you leaving.”
“So you followed me?” I sounded a little harsher then I had intended.
“I wanted to see if you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” Still, too harsh. Why was I angry?
He looked hurt and averted his eyes to the sand, kicking is gently with his toe.
Boldly, I took a step towards him, “I’m sorry.” I wanted to touch him, to comfort him, to hug him, to kiss him, to do something to break the painful stillness. Slowly, I reached for his hand, he reacted faster then I had expected, pulling me close with so much strength I almost fell. He caught me and kissed me and held me tighter. Pulling my jacket off as he did – I wasn’t cold anymore.
Waves swelled around us, seagulls screeched viciously above, the sun was bright and hot, climbing into the sky.
As if in slow motion, my t-shirt fell next to me onto the searing sand.
------
If that was a dream, I reasoned, then that would be bad, but not nearly as bad as if it actually happened which I feared it did.
I was sitting in my bed, once again unable to sleep. The clock read 5:57.
If that was a dream, it was pretty realistic because I could still remember the way every inch of his skin felt against every inch of mine. And they way his lips felt and his hands felt and the piercing sand against my back and the burning sun.
You just don’t feel like that in a dream.
I buried my face into my pillow, suppressing a scream. This was bad, so very bad, yet part of me felt good. I liked the way he held me, the way he felt, the way he made me feel. He made me feel so good. He made me feel better then Kevin did.
So very, very bad.
