My Falling Sun 4.2

That night Anna and I were brushing our teeth in the bathroom.
"Is this the best vacation ever, or what?" She gushed, unscrewing the cap of her toothpaste.

"Yeah," I nodded, "it's great". And it was great; the weather was beautiful, the place was amazing, I was unbelievably lucky. Yet why did I have this feeling that I was screwing it all up.

"I kinda feel bad for Tristan, you know. I mean, you have Kevin and I have Ethan but who does Tristan have?"

"No one," I answered but my voice came out quieter than I had intended.

She didn't seem to notice, "Exactly. And I was thinking about it, what if we set him up with Kayla, don't you think he would like her? They'd be so cute."

Kayla was our other friend back at home. She was tall, tan and athletic.
"I mean...I guess..." Truthfully, I didn't think Tristan and Kayla would be good together at all, she was bossy and controlling while he was so sweet and caring...

She shrugged, spit, and washed off her toothbrush. "Well, I think they'd be cute, see you back at the room," She left the bathroom, swinging the door behind her.

I finished brushing my teeth, too and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my blonde hair was bedraggled and sun kissed, little blonde streaks shooting down to the end. My face was tanner, my cheeks burnt with a permanent blush. Even my eyes seemed bluer, reflecting the ocean I had been staring at just hours before.

I thought about Kayla, by far one of my prettiest friends. She had long tan legs and a toned body, her dark hair, although usually pulled into a ponytail seemed to be absolutely flawless. Even in the hypothetical, I didn't like the idea of her and Tristan.

My own face was full of so many imperfections, how could I compete?
But I knew being jealous was stupid and selfish. Tristan wasn't mine, I had Kevin. It would probably be better for Tristan to have someone.

There was a soft knock at the door and I looked away, startled, shaking myself back into reality.
"Oh!" I squeaked as I stepped into the hallway and into Tristan, who was waiting there, toothbrush in hand.

"Oh, sorry, you didn't need to leave-" He began, apologetic.

"No, it's fine, I was done," I answered, both of us equally flustered. A blush was burning in my cheeks so I looked down.
We were both silent as we stood there. I swear I could hear is heart beating but maybe that was just my own.

"Okay, well... you can use the bathroom now," I said, trying to end the painful silence. I started to walk past him but he took my hand, spreading heat through my fingers. In one swift movement he pulled me back and pressed his lips against mine. I stood on my toes and held myself closer to him, letting his heat radiate into me. Finally, to my dismay, he let me go and I fell to my heels. He stared at me, with his golden eyes and then turned and went into the bathroom, leaving me alone in the dark hallway.

Eventually, I floated back to my room. I felt as if I was walking on air. Part of me was ecstatic and elated, and thinking about the way he felt made my heart flutter. I was feeling this as I drifted into the room and onto my bed.

"Someone looks happy," Anna grinned from her bed across the room.

"What?" I was suddenly embarrassed that my feelings were so obvious.

She continued grinning, "Did someone run into Kevin on there way back from the bathroom?" She pretended to nudge me suggestively.

That was exactly not what happened, but running into Kevin should be what made me feel this way. But it wasn't.
"Yeah," I told her, turning my face so she wouldn't see me lie (best friends had a knack for sensing these things). She laughed to herself and the fluttery feeling in my heart turned into a giant pit in my stomach. What had I gotten myself into?

And unfortunately, then I didn't think to consider the consequences, not that I could prevented what happened.

Hey LittlePrincess!
This has peaked my curiosity, even though I haven't read any of your other pieces. I sense a bit of drama going on, you made it very clear for someone who had no knowledge of the story to recognize the forbidden relationship between Tristan and the main character (well, before they met up in the bathroom and kissed that is.)
I loved this part:

My own face was full of so many imperfections, how could I compete?
But I knew being jealous was stupid and selfish. Tristan wasn't mine, I had Kevin. It would probably be better for Tristan to have someone.

I think everyone has moments like that! And the fact that you brought them out in the main character is a good thing, I know (at least for me) that a person will like a story better if they can connect to the main character. And that line was the big connection!
Also this line made the story seem real:

She continued grinning, "Did someone run into Kevin on there way back from the bathroom?" She pretended to nudge me suggestively.

I can actually see a friend doing that, so it made the story more realistic.

If you couldn't tell, I really liked this!
-SodapopLunchbox

I completely agree with sodapoplunchbox! I actually came back to see if you had written any more (which I usually don't do) And I was completely thrilled you had! And the story has not dissapointed me at all! In fact it has exceeded my expectations! Keep up the good work!

I really like this chapter *Sol press ^like^* Poor Sophie she's confused.

"I kinda feel bad for Tristan, you know. I mean, you have Kevin and I have Ethan but who does Tristan have?"

"I kinda feel bad for Tristan, you know. I mean, you have Kevin and I have Ethan but, who does Tristan have?"

"No one," I answered but my voice came out quieter than I had intended.

"No one," I answered, but my voice came out quieter than I had intended.

She didn't seem to notice, "Exactly. And I was thinking about it, what if we set him up with Kayla, don't you think he would like her? They'd be so cute."

I would've put a point instead of a comma.

I finished brushing my teeth, too and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my blonde hair was bedraggled and sun kissed, little blonde streaks shooting down to the end.

I finished brushing my teeth too, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my blond hair was bedraggled and sun kissed, little blond streaks shooting down to the end.

My face was tanner, my cheeks burnt with a permanent blush. Even my eyes seemed bluer, reflecting the ocean I had been staring at just hours before.

I really love this part.

A blush was burning in my cheeks so I looked down.

A blush was burning in my cheeks, so I looked down.

We were both silent as we stood there. I swear I could hear is heart beating but maybe that was just my own.

We were both silent as we stood there. I swear I could hear his heart beating, but maybe that was just my own.

I started to walk past him but he took my hand, spreading heat through my fingers.

I started to walk past him, but he took my hand, spreading heat through my fingers.

Great Job! I'm gonna bounce to next chapter. Boing, boing, boing....

I bet you didn't expect to see me... did you?

I have to admit, this is probably one of my favourite chapters so far. The main reason for that, I think, is because there was some action in this. To begin with, Sophie and Tristan finally kissed. I also felt that you were showing Sophie's emotions a lot more as well, which is something that I feel has been lacking slightly in some parts of this story. It was a lot easier to tell that Sophie felt guilty about what had just happened with Tristan in the bathroom. We're also beginning to get the impression that she obviously doesn't want to allow herself to give in to Tristan. She obviously thinks that she has to be with Kevin and he's the one for her, but her heart obviously tells her otherwise.

I don't really have anything to critique about this chapter. The only thing that I can really think of is the grammar. You're still not certain about where to use commas, periods, semi colons etc. That's okay though, all that you really need to do is to keep writing, and hopefully, your grammar will slowly improve. Like I said previously, I'll try and go into a bit more detail about grammatical points in my last review. Your main issue, I think, is that you sometimes get confused with commas and semi colons by getting them mixed up. What I find is that you often use a comma when you should be using a semi colon. I also noticed that you overuse your commas sometimes.