My Falling Sun (Ch. 1)

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I stepped outside into the cool morning air. The summer sun peeked over the top of the house across the street; light spreading like liquid throughout the pink, cotton candy clouds.

“It is way too early to be up,” Ethan grumbled, handing his father the bright green suitcase to put into the car.

“Stop complaining,” Mr. Mahoney told his son, taking the small first aid kit from me, “Thank you Sophie -You’re not the one who will be stuck in traffic.” Ethan just continued to grumble back towards the house. I was watching Mr. Mahoney fit the kit into the packed minivan when a pair of arms slipped around my waist. I smiled, I didn’t need to look to see who it was.

“Tristan is getting the last thing,” Kevin told his dad before placing a kiss on my forehead. I smiled up at my boyfriend, warmth spreading through me like sunlight. Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought. Not only did I have the best boyfriend ever, and the best friend ever –who had, at this moment, settled down next to her boyfriend on the lawn- but I got to go on vacation with them for two whole weeks. It was quite miraculous actually, that my parents had allowed me to spend my vacation on the beach with my boyfriend, but I guess they trusted me. Sure, I had just yesterday gotten The Talk from my mom, and she told me the importance of waiting and being safe and I knew all that. But, I also knew about love and what I felt for Kevin, and I felt I was ready. The thing was, my mom didn’t understand the love I felt, because I was only fifteen but I knew it.

Just then, Tristan came out of the house carrying a huge cooler. Mrs. Mahoney fluttered behind him saying, “Are you sure it’s not too heavy, dear? I can get one of my boys to help.” I smiled at this, Mrs. Mahoney was like the caring, perfect mother none of us ever had. Tristan told her that no, he didn’t need any help and placed the cooler into the car. Tristan was Kevin’s best friend who had accompanied the Mahoney’s to their beach house in Rhode Island every year. However, this year Kevin and Ethan decided to invite Anna and I, leaving Tristan with nothing to do. After some discussion it was decided that Tristan should come with all of us, he said he didn’t mind being the fifth wheel.

“Is that everything?” Mr. Mahoney asked, clapping his hands together in a satisfied way. We all nodded and he said, “Then off we go!”

The five of us climbed in the car and a smile spread across my face. This was sure to be a vacation I would never forget.
~~~~~~~~~

The car was gliding smoothly along the highway and I was dreaming of the beach. I had dreamt of the beach for the past week, that’s how excited I was. In this dream, I was imagining myself curled with Kevin on the sand. The sun was high in the sky and nothing but sand, ocean and sky stretched for miles. I glanced at him, his tan skin shimmered in the sunlight. He looked at me too and I was given the illusion that there was nobody else in the world. The car hit a bump and I jerked awake, only to realized that I had fallen asleep on Tristan’s shoulder. I sat up quickly, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t realize-“

He just laughed, “It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.” I was still embarrassed though and I looked to see if Kevin had seen. He was asleep too, his face pressed against the glass of the window. Tristan, Kevin and I were sitting in the back of the minivan, the luggage of the trunk threatening to spill over onto our heads. It had been decided that I would sit in the middle, instead of Kevin, because I was the smallest. In front of us were Anna and Ethan, both asleep too. Anna was curled into Ethan’s chest and he was snoring lightly.

I glanced out the window. Little bits of scenery flew past blurrily. The sky was a clear, cloudless blue and the sun was climbing its way to the top. “What time is it?” I asked Tristan, thinking it must be nearing noon. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“11:40,” He read.

Wow, I thought. I had been asleep for a long time. “Have you been awake this whole time,” I asked him, surveying the rest of the sleeping car.

“Yeah,” He replied and shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t usually sleep in cars,” He added and then laughed a little, “It’s weird.”

I laughed too and nodded in understanding, “That must be boring.”

“Not really,” He said, laughing again “I mean, you were pretty entertaining.”

“I was?” I asked, not sure whether I should be flattered or embarrassed.

“Yeah,” He laughed, judging by his laughter this probably wasn’t a compliment. “You were talking mostly. You were like, Oh Kevin, Kevin I love you, Kevin.” He continued, in a gushy impression of what I actually sounded like.

I felt my face turn red. “Shut up,” I blushed, hitting him in the arm.

He rubbed his arm, still laughing, “Sorry, you don’t need to be embarrassed.” He added modestly, “I mean, Kevin’s pretty lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she talks about him in her sleep.” He smiled meekly now and I just looked ahead. It was too late anyway to be embarrassed. “And hey, if it makes you feel any better, Kevin’s dad signing Route 66 was way more embarrassing than what you said.”

I couldn’t help laugh at that image. He continued, “It kinda reminded me of that time Mr. O’Leary decided to do karaoke for us.”

At this I laughed harder, remembering our crazy photo teacher. Tristan and I had had photography class together last year, when I was a freshman and he and Kevin were juniors. To be honest, I had a small crush on Tristan for the first month, but this was before I even knew Kevin. Imagine my surprise when Kevin introduced me to his best friend and it turns out we already knew each other. But that was a long time ago.

Tristan and I continued to reminisce and talk for the rest of the ride. That is, until Mr. Mahoney started singing again, because then we were just laughing.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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This is excellent! I love the conversation between Tristan and your narrator. I also like how you go into depth with the characters, revealing a little of their personal histories--just enough to make it interesting. And you weave this history in so well with the main story.
The only thing I noticed was a misspelling of the word "singing" in the fourth to last paragraph. You spelled it "signing".
But other than that, great job adding onto the story. I really enjoyed it.




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This was a good beginning to a more possibly engaging story. You did a fine job introducing the characters and going into the right amount of detail in the main character. Sophie is a beautiful name that comes from the Latin name: Sophia, meaning intelligence or wisdom. I too use the name Sophie in my story yet only in its Latin state. Nevertheless great choice of names and depiction of love she has for her boyfriend. Though romantic novels are not my cup of tea I thought this was fantastic!
Keep up the great work!
-Dawn
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Thank you both and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
And Dawn, I actually looked up name meanings when naming my characters although Sophie is to be more ironic. It makes me really happy that you picked up on that :)
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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Cheers! =) Let's start with grammar.

Grammar
“Stop complaining,” Mr. Mahoney told his son, taking the small first aid kit from me, “Thank you Sophie - you’re not the one who will be stuck in traffic.”
- You need to make one space from - and You. Also, at first it looks like he said it at Sophie. I think you should have it in your first sentence. "Stop complaining, you're not the one who will be stuck in traffic."
I was watching Mr. Mahoney fit the kit into the packed mini-van when a pair of arms slipped around my waist.
- No idea if minivan is alright for your country, but we're taught that it should be mini-van, so you can get the basic meaning right away.
Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought.
- It's kind of better putting thoughts into italics.
Not only did I have the best boyfriend ever and the best friend ever – who had, at this moment, settled down next to her boyfriend on the lawn - but I got to go on vacation with them for whole two weeks.
- I think you do not need the comma before 'and' here, you also need again the space between - and first word. Then I think 'whole two' is better than 'two whole'.
To be honest, it was quite miraculous that my parents had allowed me to spend my vacation on the beach with my boyfriend, but I guess they trusted me.
- I do not like that 'actually' at the end of main sentence. I think this is better.
Sure, just yesterday I had got 'The Talk' from my mom, and she told me the importance of waiting and being safe and I knew all that.
- Just didn't feel right for me.
But, I also knew about love and what I felt for Kevin, I felt I was ready.
- I think you do not need and there.
The thing was - my mom didn’t understand the love I felt. Just because I was only fifteen, but I knew it.

-I like it this way much better.
Tristan told her that he didn’t need any help and placed the cooler into the car.
- There's no real need for 'no' with comma.
However, this year Kevin and Ethan decided to invite Anna and me, leaving Tristan with nothing to do.
- 'Me', not 'I' =)
I had dreamed of the beach for the past week, that’s how excited I was.
- 'dreamed', not 'dreamt'.
Tristan and I had a photography class together last year, when I was a freshman and he and Kevin were juniors.
- 'had a' is enough ^^


Overall

For a dramatic novel that's kind of a good start =) Honestly, it's good. The only problem I have with it is that I'm way too used to the drama of when a girl falls for somebody different during a specific event. I mean, there's just way too many stories based on that. But then again, I'm hoping to see some your unique additions to a cliche story-core that would make this story an enjoyable read. Just try thinking of something creative, something that's not often seen or heard. An unique events, moments. Spice it up!
Description looked good to me, it was quite good. ( Not heavily overused, which is good. I personally get bored from reading long descriptions that demolish my first imagination of something mentioned ).

All in all, I think this is a good beginning chapter for the story. The only thing I'd mention is the ending, it didn't leave me with a hanger for another chapter. I think adding her thought at the end at something would spice it up. For example in my story I used a special dialogue sentence to finish my chapter and people seemed to like it.

Definitely keep writing and good luck =)
Kyou
~Don't beg for things, do it yourself or else you'll never get anything~
-Formerly Shinda




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Hello!

First of all, I love your writing. It's so vivid. "light spreading like liquid throughout the pink, cotton candy clouds." Ah.

I also loved this exchange:
"I laughed too and nodded in understanding, “That must be boring.”

“Not really,” He said, laughing again “I mean, you were pretty entertaining.”

“I was?” I asked, not sure whether I should be flattered or embarrassed.

“Yeah,” He laughed, judging by his laughter this probably wasn’t a compliment. “You were talking mostly. You were like, Oh Kevin, Kevin I love you, Kevin.” He continued, in a gushy impression of what I actually sounded like."

All in all, really good story! I think I remember seeing another chapter of this in your portfolio? If so I'll definitely take a look!

Good job :)
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.




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I walked all the way from my job to your story, (my job is making clothes on http://www.girlsense.com) hahahaha :!: This story is rEaLlY k0oL, I loved your story and I love how you describe! :smt003
The summer sun peeked over the top of the house across the street; light spreading like liquid throughout the pink, cotton candy clouds.

Aww, I love how you describe!

I was watching Mr. Mahoney fit the kit into the packed minivan when a pair of arms slipped around my waist.
I think there should be a comma: I was watching Mr. Mahoney fit the kit into the packed minivan, when a pair of arms slipped around my waist.

Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought. Not only did I have the best boyfriend ever, and the best friend ever –who had, at this moment, settled down next to her boyfriend on the lawn- but I got to go on vacation with them for two whole weeks
.
For it to be more understandable, I would put what she's thinking on italic. Like this: Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought. Not only did I have the best boyfriend ever, and the best friend ever –who had, at this moment, settled down next to her boyfriend on the lawn- but I got to go on vacation with them for two whole weeks.

Sure, I had just yesterday gotten The Talk from my mom, and she told me the importance of waiting and being safe and I knew all that.
I would've write this like this: Sure, I had just yesterday gotten The Talk from my mom, and she told me the importance of waiting and being safe and I knew all that.

~~~~~~~~~

I had dreamt of the beach for the past week, that’s how excited I was.

I noticed a key board error! :wink:

He was asleep too, his face pressed against the glass of the window.

Hahahahha! For some reason I imagined Kevin drooling the glass of the window. LOL

Wow, I thought. I had been asleep for a long time. “Have you been awake this whole time,” I asked him, surveying the rest of the sleeping car.
Everything makes me think Tristan is a thought guy.
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Hallo! It's me, Aushy, here for your review. :}

Grammar
I smiled, I didn’t need to look to see who it was.

That comma should be a period or a semi-colon. Why? Because you have two separate thoughts here.

Is there anyone in the world luckier than me at this moment? I thought.

Always, always, always italicize thoughts. Why? It makes it easier for the reader to read and understand. It's like putting quotes around it.

I smiled at this, Mrs. Mahoney was like the caring, perfect mother none of us ever had.

First comma a period or semi-colon.
And, uhm, whose mother is she, then? I mean, if she's the mother nobody's had... whose mother is she?

After some discussion it was decided that Tristan should come with all of us, he said he didn’t mind being the fifth wheel.

That comma a period or semi-colon.

I glanced at him, his tan skin shimmered in the sunlight.

A period or semi-colon.

I sat up quickly, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t realize-“

He just laughed, “It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.” I was still embarrassed though and I looked to see if Kevin had seen. He was asleep too, his face pressed against the glass of the window. Tristan, Kevin and I were sitting in the back of the minivan, the luggage of the trunk threatening to spill over onto our heads. It had been decided that I would sit in the middle, instead of Kevin, because I was the smallest. In front of us were Anna and Ethan, both asleep too. Anna was curled into Ethan’s chest and he was snoring lightly.

...

“I was?” I asked, not sure whether I should be flattered or embarrassed.

“Yeah,” He laughed, judging by his laughter this probably wasn’t a compliment. “You were talking mostly. You were like, Oh Kevin, Kevin I love you, Kevin.” He continued, in a gushy impression of what I actually sounded like.

I felt my face turn red. “Shut up,” I blushed, hitting him in the arm.

He rubbed his arm, still laughing, “Sorry, you don’t need to be embarrassed.” He added modestly, “I mean, Kevin’s pretty lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she talks about him in her sleep.” He smiled meekly now and I just looked ahead. It was too late anyway to be embarrassed. “And hey, if it makes you feel any better, Kevin’s dad signing Route 66 was way more embarrassing than what you said.”

You keep using 'embarrass' over and over again. Switch it out with another adjective?

“Have you been awake this whole time,” I asked him, surveying the rest of the sleeping car.

“Yeah,” He replied and shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t usually sleep in cars,” He added and then laughed a little, “It’s weird.”
laughed too and nodded in understanding, “That must be boring.”

The first bolded comma should be a question mark. Why? Because we're asking a question.
Both of the italcized 'h's should lowercased. Why? Because this is the rule of English. :}
The second and third bolded comma should be a period. Why? Because we're not saying that someone actually spoke words... it's quite confusing, but technically, more English rules. x[}


Alright, now on to the fun part!

Mostly, this was good. In some places it lacked description, like for example: I know the scenery perfectly, but I haven't the slightest how anyone looks. Well, except that Sophie's the smallest.

As a first chapter, this wasn't as strong as it could be. I don't know a lot about your characters (but hey, I shouldn't be talking, if you read the first chapter of my book!), and I know exactly where this is going, which keeps out suspense. I know, difficult, right? D:

I would work on grammar (mostly placing commas, periods, and semi-colons), and descriptions of your own character. ^^

Also, as Kyousuke mentioned, this has been done to death. But I am too looking for you to present this in a new or different way!

Good luck, and keep writing. :}

Love & Blessings,
Aushy
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.




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Heyoooo :D

I'm really sorry this has taken me so long... I've had loads of things to do lately and I haven't really been able to do any kind of reviews. I'm here now though... so it's all good! For the oldest chapters, I'm just going to give you a brief review on the chapter itself, not going into too much detail. For the last chapter, I'll give you a more detailed review and tell you what I think of the story overall.

I'll begin with the first chapter. Now, this isn't the best first chapter I've ever read, but it certainly isn't the worst. One of the things that I noticed you doing really well was using vivid descriptions. Instead of telling us what things looked like, you showed us through effective imagery and lovely descriptions. Another thing that I liked was your characterisation of Tristan. I got the impression that he's an interesting character and he was pretty entertaining in this. Obviously, I don't really know much about any of the other characters yet, so I can't really comment on them. One thing that I will say though is that I also rather liked your MC. She wasn't annoying and it was easy seeing things through her eyes.

My only real critique for this chapter is the fact that I can guess what's going to happen later on. If I've guessed right, it's rather cliché as well. To be perfectly honest, I don't mind cliché stories much at all, as long as they are written well. I'm probably setting a bad example though because most people complain about cliché stories. I would like for you to maybe make it less obvious though that Sophie's going to end up falling for Tristan. If that is what happens, that is. I kind of think that it will. Doing that is fine; you just have to add a load of twists and interesting plot ideas into it. Even though it's pretty obvious and pretty cliché, I do think that you can write it well. After reading this, I'm confident in saying that you're a good writer. ;)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.



Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown