midnight chap two

Hey! Ive put my story to a 16+ sorry for any inconveniences this has caused, now-for the story!

Trudging miserably up the steps I saw our household maid doing a spot of weeding in the garden. I nodded into her direction and she smiled. Well I suppose Ive got to be a little bit nice to her-she cleans my room, ha ha.
"Hiya love, nice walk?" Mum says in that pathetic 'lets get along' voice she uses when she knows shes pissed me off.
"Yeah, fine, I absolutely love taking this thing on a walk!" I spat at her and stomped up the stairs where I turned my music on loud. a trade I know pisses my mum off. I think of the gorgeous guy at the shop and think, OHMYGOD how pathetic- Oh there's a beautiful guy at the shop, I'm falling in love with him! HA.HA. I Walked to the balcony and sat on the swing. my mobile started to ring and I saw the contact name was Damien. "yo dude, sup?" i said lighting a cig. "Nothing much, the usual, Sammy got pissed and cant remember where she left her um.. underwear, and I'm the culprit because shes in my bed." I heard a faint chuckle from off the phone. I took a drag and sighed.
"You slept with her?" I moaned, god hes such a man whore.
"No, but her boyfriend thinks so. ha ha" I stopped dead, oh no, another fight is coming I thought
"Well, don't drag Sammy down if you have a fight, you know how sensitive she is." I say feeling absolutely no emotion-they were just words after all.
"I know, hey are you coming to the party. Chrissie's." He said sounding oddly existed.
"um..yah after my shift." I say...yes! New boy needs fun.

***
"Say, your allowed out yeah?" I asked the guy, he looked up and I just couldn't get the way his eyes sparked and made me sway. "With a beautiful girl like you? Id go out any way." He said, his voice generally honest, and lustful. I smirked. "Yeah, quit the front yeah, ha ha. I were wondering whether you wanted to come party with me and some friends?"
"Like i would miss a good party." He said raising one eyebrow like a little bad-ass.

The music was pumping, people were strung out, along with cig butts, beer cans and bottles, and used condoms. "Well, welcome to the jungle. Alex" I said. He looked around and to my surprise his face broke out into a angelic smile. "dude knows how to throw a party!" He said. Chuckling I grabbed his hand and led him to the sitting room. Where Damien and Sammy were sat together, Lisa and Abby were..well. having fun, Alex looked around, I could tell he'd been in a party like this before, because the amount of smoke and pott in the air would ve made a first timer throw up or cry at-least. "Aha, some one best have left some for me." I say bringing every one as close to consciousness as possible. "yeahhh, iii knnoww, lissa is sattt oon then." Sammy slurred every single word. "aha. nice! Alex said when i offered." I really cant remember much after that. Except Alex made it sooo fun. HeHeHe.

Hey there Seana!

Here to review.

seana wrote:Hey! Ive put my story to a 16+ sorry for any inconveniences this has caused, now-for the story!

Trudging miserably up the steps, I saw our household maid doing a spot of weeding in the garden.(I score this average. It's too plain and I suggest you need more descriptions right here. If your main charcater sees her maid weeding, then you could've probably showed us like this: "I saw our household maid doing a spot weeding in the garden through the tinted window glass...." Lastly, I think you can get rid off the word "household" since it's understandable when you say "maid". I nodded into her direction and she smiled. (You can narrate to us how her maid noticed her)Well I suppose I've got to be a little bit nice to her since she cleans my room, ha ha.
"Hiya love, nice walk?" Mum says in that pathetic 'lets get along' voice she uses when she knows she's pissed me off.
"Yeah, fine, I absolutely love taking this thing on a walk!" I spat at her and stomped up the stairs where I turned my music on loud. A[/color] trade I know pisses my mum off. I think of the gorgeous guy at the shop and think, OHMYGOD how pathetic- Oh there's a beautiful guy at the shop, I'm falling in love with him! (How about capitalizing this?)HA.HA. I walked to the balcony and sat on the swing. My mobile started to ring and I saw the contact name was Damien. "yo dude, sup?" I said lighting a cig. "Nothing much, the usual, Sammy got pissed and can't remember where she left her um.. underwear, and I'm the culprit because she's in my bed." I heard a faint chuckle from off the phone. I took a drag and sighed.
"You slept with her?" I moaned, god he's such a man whore. (Italicize)
"No, but her boyfriend thinks so. ha ha." I stopped dead, oh no, another fight is coming (italicize)I thought
"Well, don't drag Sammy down if you have a fight, you know how sensitive she is." I say feeling absolutely no emotion-they were just words after all.
"I know, hey are you coming to the party. Chrissie's." He said sounding oddly excited.
"um..yah after my shift." I say...yes! New boy needs fun.

***
"Say, your allowed out yeah?" I asked the guy, he looked up and I just couldn't get the way his eyes sparked and made me sway. "With a beautiful girl like you? I'd go out any way." He said, his voice generally honest, and lustful. I smirked. "Yeah, quit the front yeah, ha ha. I was wondering whether you wanted to come to the party with me and some friends?"
"Like I would miss a good party." He said raising one eyebrow like a little bad-ass.

The music was pumping, people were strung out, along with cig butts, beer cans and bottles, and used condoms. "Well, welcome to the jungle, Alex." I said. He looked around and to my surprise his face broke out into a angelic smile. "dude knows how to throw a party!" He said. Chuckling, I grabbed his hand and led him to the sitting room. Where Damien and Sammy were sat together, Lisa and Abby were...well having fun. (better to end the sentence) Alex looked around, I could tell he'd been to a party like this before, because the amount of smoke and pott in the air would've made a first timer throw up or cry at least (you don't need a dash between the words "at" and "least"). "Aha, some one best have left some for me." I say bringing every one as close to consciousness (this seemed a bit awkward to read)as possible. "yeahhh, iii knnoww, lissa is sattt oon then." Sammy slurred every single word. "aha. nice!" Alex said when I offered (offered what?)." I really can't remember much after that. Except Alex made it sooo fun. Hehehe.

*

First of all, I suggest that you revise the structure of your story, especially when it comes to your dialogs.

"Say, your allowed out yeah?" I asked the guy, he looked up and I just couldn't get the way his eyes sparked and made me sway.

"With a beautiful girl like you? Id go out any way." He said, his voice generally honest, and lustful. I smirked.

"Yeah, quit the front yeah, ha ha. I were wondering whether you wanted to come party with me and some friends?"

"Like i would miss a good party." He said raising one eyebrow like a little bad-ass.

Something like that, so it would look neat and clean.


As with your punctuation, you tend to miss a lot of quotes like for words "can't" would've" and etcetera. Really, I should say that punctuations brings about the flow in your story. So how about re-reading this piece again? Also, I would like to say something about your capitalization. Don't forget that you do need to capitalize your "I"s. Another thing is that I find your story all telling and I think there wasn't a part here that you do 'showing'. (If you don't know about that, search in Google- show don't tell.) When you show, you narrate to your readers everything that your main characters senses through her point of view. You don't tell to us about the loud party, you show to us the disturbing shouts from jocks, the music pumping around the party house and the smell of cigarettes surrounding the noses of each and every people there.

For your characters, they're a bit realistic and I think that's a good thing. However, during the phone conversation, you only let your main characters blabber on something that I, the reader, can only get a half percent of what you're really talking about. And how about the half, you say? I don't know, lost in the universe. What I mean is that, you should also let your readers know because we're also intrigued of what your characters are saying.

Lastly, I should recommend that you revise some parts of this novel because I think this has a potential to be a better chapter of your novel. Thank you for the good read and hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hello there

Yuriiko has already given you quite a review, so I'll just give a quick comment.
I think the way you tell your story is very informal. It was like reading your diary in fact. Your grammar needs work, your words were thrown everywhere and not organised properly enough for the story to be followed. Some of the words you used in your narration were probably better off in quotes because they were normal informal spoken language and this took the seriousness out the story.

Keep writing.

Hi, Pink here! I'l be doing a quick review for you today.

Characters:
You character seems rude a bit but I haven't read the first chapter really so I wouldn't know what pissed her off really. Also your characters need to be more 3D. Right now they all sound alike, try giving them some various personalities that sets them apart so they're more interesting.

Flow
I think this part is the one that needs the most work. Your transactions are a bit choppy and the dialog as Yuri mentioned needs some work as well. The words they use confuse me and I'm wondering what they mean when they say whatever it is they're saying.

Grammar/punctuation:
From the very first paragraph I noticed that this piece was going to have some mistakes. It's alright, don't hesitate too much. All you need to do is brush up on some quick punctuation rules and remember where commas and apostrophes go. Also, don't forget your periods. Do a spell check before submitting your work or have someone reread your work.

Overall:
Well some of this was realistic and I enjoyed that part. I language was informal that made it feel like I was actually listening to a real conversation but yet I didn't understand what they were saying so that was like one of my main turn-offs. I'm sure that if you keep writing and revise this chapter it'll be quite interesting and fun to read.
That's all for now,

~Pink