The sun stranger

Locked ! I don't like it.


"come inside" My mother said.
She placed her palm upon my head.
I grudgingly move inside our house.
Where it is the dead of night,
when the sun is out.

I want to run through the street,
or even lay on a beach.
I want the sun to look down,
and stare me in the face.
I want it to try and burn me
and me to call it a disgrace.

I hear the children playing
how I loathe them through the night.
They taunt me with their noise,
and bring tears to my eyes.

My mother can't understand,
no matter how hard she tries.
I want to live in the sun,
or I do not have a life.

I wrote my mum a letter,
made sure everything was right,
then dropped it in her bedroom,
in my dead of night.
I went to my room
and grabbed the curtains at the base.
I ripped them from the wall,
and let the sun coarse my face.

I was covered in blister.
Covered in sores.
The sun practically killed me,
but it was worth it of course.

"come inside" My mother said.
She placed her palm upon my head.
I grudgingly move inside our house.
Where it is the dead of night,
when the sun is out.

The problem with this opening paragraph, is that you start in the present tense, and then immediately change to the past - you might want to edit that a little.
(Also, you should probably begin with a capital letter).

I want to run through the street,
or even lay on a beach.
I want the sun to look down,
and stare me in the face.
I want it to try and burn me
and me to call it a disgrace.

This paragraph is interesting in that it establishes the main point of the poem, however it makes little sense in it's contradictions - it seems odd to start off saying how much you want the sun, and then ends in calling it disgrace. Maybe you could try saying something about how the irritation of the burns is painful, but worth it, because...?

I hear the children playing
how I loathe them through the night.
They taunt me with their noise,
and bring tears to my eyes.

My main problem with this paragraph is that you begin in saying that it is night time, which makes me (the reader) think, "okay, some time has passed, and know the narrator is lying in bed, wishing he where out in the night... wait, didn't the narrator just tell us it was the sun he/she loved...?"
Maybe you could expand on this paragraph, or simplify it - whichever works for you, so long as it is consistent with the rest of the poem.

My mother can't understand,
no matter how hard she tries.
I want to live in the sun,
or I do not have a life.

This sort of clears up some of my earlier suspicion about the sun, however, it still does not address why the narrator, so dearly loves the sun, and why isn't he/she given the freedom to be in it? Why does the mother disallow her child of something he/she loves dearly?

I wrote my mum a letter,
made sure everything was right,
then dropped it in her bedroom,
in my dead of night.
I went to my room
and grabbed the curtains at the base.
I ripped them from the wall,
and let the sun coarse my face.

Here again, you change tense from what you previously have said - remember, keep your poem constant, it will make your poem a lot more dramatic and interesting.

This paragraph is also problematic, this is because it begins saying that he is in the dead of the night, yet straight after rips off his curtains to reveal sunlight - how can it be the "dead of night" and sun be shining through the window?

I was covered in blister.
Covered in sores.
The sun practically killed me,
but it was worth it of course.

This last paragraph is confusing, you have stated that from being in the sun for a period of time practically killed this person. This is confusing because - unless you are in the sun for days straight (with no exposure to darkness - which I don't think is possible), how can one be left with such wounds? I think you need to address more thoroughly what the difference is between this person, and others - I understand that he loves the sun, but why is he deprived of it? Why does the sun nearly kill him?

You have written a fair poem, but you need to work on tenses, and try and straighten out the meaning of your poem, so it is clear to the reader and agrees with everything else being said.

PM me if you would like me to explain further or have any questions etc.

Thanks for posting this piece, keep writing.

~Mo.

Hey,

The main character in the piece has XP which means he is allergic to sunlight.

Hope this helps.

~Retro Disco666