Blue Eyes Don't Lie (4)

Chapter 4
School dragged on for the rest of the day. I was now sitting in my last class of the day, English. This class always dragged on too. We just started reading the Diary of Anne Frank. I, already read that book. Every day, I usually just bring in my own books and read those during class. It entertains me. My teacher never gets angered that I don’t read along with the class. My grades are exceptionally high, and she knows that if my grades are good she can’t comment on me not following along with the class.
“Emily, may I talk with you please?” Ms. Denochi, asked me as I was about to walk out of the room.
“Yes.” I walked over to her desk, my heart pounding. Surely she couldn’t know that I let Conrad copy some answers from a test we took last week.
“I am recommending you for honors next year.” She said bluntly, as she shuffled through her papers.
“I thought you didn’t find out till you got your schedule over the summer.”
“What are you talking about?” Ms. Denochi asked.
“You just said you are recommending me for honors next year.” I said. It came out as more of a question.
“No I didn’t. Emily, stop making up stories.” She said, as she winked at me. She pushed a paper near me and in big bolded font it read:
DO NOT TELL STUDENTS OF YOUR RECOMMENDATION!
I smiled and winked backed at her.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Ms. Denochi.” I left the room and went to my locker to get my books and clothes.
Today was the first day of track. I’ve never done track before, last year I did lacrosse, but that didn’t work out so well. There were rumors that there were two new coaches for track this year. Last year everyone on the track team always complained about the coach. They said she made them run six times around the football field, then six times around the soccer field, one perimeter around the school, and then a mile through the streets. I was glad I joined the year they replaced the coach.
I arrived at the locker room and got dressed. Everyone that wanted to join track were crowded around the doors of the middle school cafeteria. Someone grabbed my waist and hugged me.
“Tehehe,” It was Waren. He was best friend. He moved here in 7th grade from Michigan. I use to absolutely hate him, but now we love each other to death.
“What the heck, Waren?” I laughed.
“Are you joining track?” He asked, letting go of me.
“Yes, are you?”
“Yes. This is going to be fun” He smiled at me.
“Emily, you’re joining track?” My ex-best friend, Katie Morgan, questioned, with a tinge of annoyance in her high pitched voice.
“Yeah, I am, Katie. Why?”
“Oh, cause you just don’t seem like the type.” She remarked, giving me a once over with her blue eyes, that were hidden underneath her tawdry makeup.
“Really? Cause you defiantly don’t seem like the type either.” She gave me an evil smile.
“Well, what about you, Waren?” Katie asked, her flirty voice coming out. The voice she always uses when she talks to any guy.
“What do you think, Katie? He is just here for his entertainment?” I spat at her. She snapped her head around.
“What the hell is your problem?” She yelled.
“I’ve been asking the same about you for the past three years of middle school.” I smiled at her. She gave me the evil eyes and flipped her greasy blonde hair. She walked away moving her nonexistent butt.
“She’s such a slut.” Waren said.
“Well, she’s just like that because no guys from this school want here anymore. She’s become so easy.” I said, while putting my hair in a ponytail. I felt somewhat bad for her, but she was the one that started rumors about her getting laid.
“Em!” Owen’s voice rang through the hall. He ran over to me and gave me a bear hug. He squeezed me so hard I felt myself getting thinner.
“Owen. I. Can’t. Breath.” I gasped.
“Oops, sorry!” He let go of me quickly.
“Are you joining track also?” I questioned, as I scanned his clothes. He was wearing running shoes, shorts, and a baggy t-shirt.
“Yes, are you?” He questioned.
“Yeah, so is Waren.”
“This track season is going to be awesome. We got all the best runners this year. Last year all we had was Katie. She’s fast, but not as fast as you guys. You guys run at the speed of light!” His black eyes shined with excitement.
“I guess…” I said, sheepishly.
“I guess? Are you kidding me, Em, you know you are a good runner.” Waren commented. He always had a way of making me feel loved. They way his gray eyes pierced into mine. He always looked into mine, no one else’s. His dark hair always covered his eyes, but he always flipped his hair out of his eyes whenever I was around.
“Waren, you are too.” I smiled.
“Guys, we should probably go into the cafeteria now. The coaches are here.” Owen interrupted. We all walked into the cafeteria, and started our track season.

The title to this is very interesting. It's the particular reason I chose to review this. What I don't like about it upon appearance though is its clutterdiness (is that even a word?). Though it is true chapters in novels are in accoridance to what you've done, though on this site its different. Paragraphs and sentences spacing the speech are very important to make it easier for the reviewer to well...review!

My name is Alice by the way, though Cirque on this site. I just want to warn you, I may sound like a bit of an ass through this review, trying to use big words and such but that is because Mum prefers that. So yeah, I'm not really a tardy hardy pants.


Terminology:

Bold: Word/Quotation Mark not needed.
Red: Grammatical/Spelling Error
Green: General Comments
Blue: Suggestions

I, already read that book.

“Well, she’s just like that because no guys from this school want here anymore.

The comma and the extra 'E' here aren't really needed. I know you're trying to create a breather, to stress a point though it really doesn't work in this instance for some reason. I recommend you just get rid of it as it only makes your work cluttered and really sticks out like a stick in the mud.

He was my best friend.

I believe you've forgotten a word here. I've highlighted my suggestion in blue as implicated within the terminology key. Even if you don't think that suggestion should be their, I highly think it should stick as it really helps make the sentence more fluent.

“I am recommending you for honors next year.” she said bluntly

“No I didn’t. Emily, stop making up stories.” she said

“Tehehe,” it was Waren.

“Are you joining track?” he asked, letting go of me.

“Yes. This is going to be fun.” he smiled at me.

“Oh, cause you just don’t seem like the type.” she remarked

“Really? Cause you defiantly I think you mean definitely, not defiantly. don’t seem like the type either.” she gave me an evil smile.

“What the hell is your problem?” she yelled.

“Oops, sorry!” he let go of me quickly.

“Yes, are you?” he questioned.

You guys run at the speed of light!” his black eyes shined with excitement.

This is such a common problem on this site I couldn't be bothered retyping it so often, so don't be offended that I'm just copying and pasting an old paragraph from another review. Sorry, if it does. So the speech grammar of this is wrong. You see, don't worry I also just figured this out, when ever you have an ending to a sentence (past the end quotation mark) the words to come are not a beginning but a continuation. As pointed out in red, the first letter after the speech must be in lower case no matter the quotation mark. Though, this is an exception to those words that must have a capital letter eg. names.

Hello.

The first thing that stood out to me was how much information you throw at us in one paragraph. When you're writing, it's best to spread out details so we can actually remember them. Also, sometimes a lot of those details aren't really needed right then; whenever you're about to put in backstory, ask yourself "does the reader absolutely need to know this in order to understand the story?" If the answer is "maybe" or "no" then don't put it in. Another way to monitor the amount of backstory you put it at once is asking if you've given a reason for this information to be known. If the answer is no, don't put in the backstory. If the answer is yes, then only give as much backstory as needed. Or less than is needed, if you want to leave readers hanging.

Secondly, your dialogue. I'd suggest reading this article on dialogue punctuation and proofreading all your dialogue, editing it according to the article. You have several places where you have a comma when it should be a period, and vice versa.

Thirdly, the pace of this story is really quick. Readers need time to sit back and absorb what is going on, and right now we can't really do that because events move along so quickly. We also don't get any sort of insights on your character for all the news she's getting. Here is an article on pacing you can look at for tips.

Overall, I'd work on slowing this down and not throwing so much information at us all at once.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey