One of the guys (1) (Edited)

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A/N- For Kyllorac's Polar Opposites contest. Considering this will be a few parts long, I'm posting the start now. Insert/opposite name at the bottom.


There was a certain satisfaction beating guys at sports. Especially when they were a foot taller than I was and worked out.

“Impressive!” Paul said as we walked past him. He’d been at the back of the court, sometimes dodging a stray shot. He held the door for us as we stepped out of the concrete room where our squash games were played. That’s what happened when somebody went first.

Nick glanced at him. “Past the fact I got beat by a girl.”

I flashed him a grin. “If you’d been playing for six years you just might have beaten me.”

Nick glanced at Paul. “Why did I let you convince me to join this club again?”

Paul and I laughed. Nick swiped at us with his racquet, biting his lip to keep from grinning. He’d been playing for a couple months, Paul a year and a half. The coach liked to stick people who knew what they were doing with the new guys, letting the older players teach the younger. I taught Paul, and Paul taught Nick.

I jumped away, laughing more. “You joined cause all your friends were here, me included.”

Nick succeeded in thwacking my hip with his racquet.

“Ow,” I said while chuckling. I began trotting backwards to keep an eye on him yet stay out of reach. “We should get back by now. Warm-up games usually don’t last this long.”

Paul chuckled. “Wanting to escape, are we?”

I stuck my tongue out at him and turned around to jog down the hall.

“How does she have so much energy after playing three matches?” I heard Nick mutter.

I spun around, looking at them long enough to grin and say, “Practice!”

Before they could tackle me, I reached the main court’s door and opened it, letting the coaches know we’d shown up. Sometimes I wondered if matches I played should be held here. The glass-fronted court and bleachers would let people watch, at least. And make it easier to tell us when we were playing for too long.

“Just for that, we’re picking the movie next time we go,” Paul muttered as he walked past me.

“And when is that, again?” I asked as I walked in behind him.

Nick turned to face us. “Watch how you answer, or Alex there might take it as a pass to tease us until then.”

Everybody within hearing range, mostly guys, chuckled. They’d been playing with me for a few years come this point, and knew my sense of humour pretty well by now. I was pretty sure some of them had considered it their advantage to learn it.

I looked to the other side of the bleachers, seeing who I might be paired up with next. People who’d been here anywhere from a week to a day gravitated towards that side. Since I was one of the people to train new people, I liked to see who might be nice to work with. If they weren’t serious they’d never improve. I’d never improve.

There were a lot more people than there had been when I got here. Early morning practice on Saturday, at the start of summer vacation. Latecomers were to be expected. What some called cruel and unusual punishment I called the perfect way to spot who was serious. I just hoped the coaches put me with somebody who had shown up on time.

As per usual, we were the last group back. Either I beat my partners quickly and we played more games than we should, or a match lasted a bit too long. But the coaches figured we were learning so they didn't yell at us. Small blessing. If they were right or not could be left up to debate.

Nick glanced at the group of newcomers. “Hel-lo, who do we have here?”

Paul scanned the bleachers, eyes resting in a similar area. “I’m not sure, but I’d like to find out.”

It took me a while to find who they were looking at. But once I spotted the girl showing as much skin with as much tight clothing as possible, I figured I knew who they were looking at. At least she had the figure to wear it.

I glanced at the two fifteen year olds next to me and shook my head. Boys. I was glad they didn’t look at me like that. It was hard to get their respect normally.

“So!” one of the coaches said loudly, grabbing everybody’s attention. “Since a few people didn’t get the message class started at nine...” He paused to look at the newcomers, who were quickly looking away. “We’re going to change up the groups a bit.”

I leaned against the wall as names got called off and groups went to fill the courts. A few of the lucky veterans got groups without new people; they’d be able to play uninterrupted and to the top of their game. Why I was not among them I wasn’t sure. My age seemed to lump me in with the new people.

Normally it didn’t bother me. However, this week, a few people I had trained got moved into one of the advanced groups. I waved to them quickly as hey walked by. That always stung just a bit. I was just as good as they were— chances are I’d beat them more often than they beat me. I told myself the coaches needed some good people to help the new guys.

Now came the groups with new members. Coaches called out who was with who, then what that group was supposed to be working on. Nick went with an older guy to work on serves. Paul was the leader of a group learning forehand.

There were only two girls left to be put into groups. Me, and the girl with the skin-tight top. Even from here I could tell she was cold. Once she got moving, she should warm up just fine. And considering the coaches liked to put new girls with me, I’d make sure to work her. I just hoped she was willing to work.

Although, from the way she still looked half-asleep and was running her fingers through her hair, I figured that would not be easy. Hopefully she would buckle down once we got moving.

“Julia,” the coach said. “You’re with Alex on backhand. Court five.”

The girl looked up, eyes dancing around the crowd of boys left. The downsides of having this nickname… I lifted one hand and gave a quick wave. Julia’s shoulders dropped when she realized she wasn’t paired with a guy. Hopefully we wouldn’t be paired with a guy. I didn’t want to think what would happen then.

I opened the door for her and gestured out into the hall. “After you.”

Julia glanced at me with a raised eyebrow before stepping out. I followed her, letting the door close behind me. So much for an attempt at being polite.

“So what got you into squash?” I asked to start a conversation.

She ran her fingers through her dark-blonde hair as we walked past a group of guys, causing their eyes to linger on her. “My mom wanted something for me to do over the summer. And I didn’t want to play a team sport.”

I thought of every team sport league in the city. None of them were co-ed. And it was becoming obvious she wasn’t here just for the challenge of playing against guys.

I glanced at her wrists. “Do you have a hair elastic?”

She reached into her almost-nonexistent back pocket and pulled one out. A hair elastic must be the only thing that could fit in there. “I’ll need one?”

“Well, if we play a game.” I tightened my ponytail to make a point. “And your hair might get in the way while practicing.”

“I thought the coach said we were only learning backhand…”

I chuckled. “Nope.”

“Why learn more?”

I paused before opening the door to court five. “Why not?”

She just stared at me. I stifled a sigh and opened the door. Getting her to learn shots was going to be more difficult than I first thought.

“If you pick up fast enough, then we can move onto other shots. They’re pretty easy to learn, though.”

“Good,” she muttered.

I smiled crookedly, not being able to resist messing with her. “However, doing them well is another thing completely.”

She groaned softly. “How long will that take?”

This was going to be fun. “Well, I’ve been playing for about five years and the coaches still correct me.” So she wasn’t completely scared away, I added, “But come the end of summer you should be able to keep up with most people here.”

Hopefully the possibility of picking things up quickly would get her to focus.

Julia tied her hair into a low ponytail, back arched to show off her chest. As if there’d be anybody in view of the court. “How long have the guys been playing?”

I rubbed the ball under my foot, warming it up so it would bounce better. So that hadn't changed her priorities. “Anywhere from seven years to having just joined today.”

She rolled her eyes, playful smile crossing her face. “I meant, how long have the guys you walked in with been playing?”

Now it was my turn to pause. Was her attention going to my friends? At the same time, I had no reason not to answer. “Two months and a year and a half.”

“Do they beat you often?”

I blinked. That was one of the most absurd questions I had ever heard. “I’ve been playing at least twice as long they have. What do you think?”

Julia rolled her eyes. “Letting guys win can be fun.”

I couldn’t help but glance at my loose, mid-thigh length shorts and t-shirt that hung at least an inch away from my waist. “More fun beating them.”

“But then you’re, well…”

I raised an eyebrow, bouncing the ball between the floor and my racquet to make sure it bounced well. Curiosity killed the cat. And she made me curious. “Yes?”

“Do you hang out with them?”

I laughed. Hopefully she wouldn't realize it was at how silly that question had sounded to me. “They’re my neighbours.”

Julia ran her bottom lip between her teeth. “Oh…” She adjusted her ponytail. “How about the other guys?”

“Naw,” I said. “I’m just here to play.” Realizing I’d probably eaten up more time than I should have talking, I changed the topic. “Now, your grip.”

*

Comments on characters, especially the secondary ones (For now, Julia), much appreciated!

Spoiler
Self-Insert: Alex(a) (Full name to be revealed later)
Opposite: Julia
Last edited by Rosendorn on Wed Jul 21, 2010 2:18 am, edited 7 times in total.
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I'll comment on your characters, that's always fun.
Julia's an interesting character, I have to say. You do a good job showing her personality through dialogue and her reactions, especially to being taught by your MC. I don't know if this was what you were intending, but she comes off as a boy-obsessed slightly snobby prep right from the first impression. I only wish you'd given more physical description about her besides her clothes. That's not to say her clothes don't help define her--they go nicely with her characterization! But I feel maybe you could give hair color, skin color, height...I mean, not just racy clothes make guys look at a girl. Some physical details you imply, but others need to be more concrete.

I very much liked how you contrasted her with the main character, especially their clothes. The clothes seem to symbolize the obvious differences in their personalities. My only complaint on the MC was that she always seemed so laid back, almost too much so.

Characters aside, I did see some misspellings; corrections are in red:

I tightened my ponytail, realizing it’d gotten loose.


“Anywhere from seven years to having just jointed joined today.”


Well, that's all! I liked this overall, it was very well written. Great job.




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Here as requested! I know you mainly want a character dissection for this, but I'm going to go ahead and nitpick anyway before I look at characters. There isn't that much to say, because in general, this was very well written.

I stuck my tongue out at him, only a bit because that was on the immature side for a sixteen year old, and turned around to jog down the hall.


I'd cut the "only a bit..." part, mainly because it's awkward but also because without it, your MC is simplified a little. I think self-inserts are very difficult to write, so it's best just to keep to simple characteristics and avoid making excuses.

I looked to the other side of the bleachers to where the new people tended to gravitate towards.


This is very awkward. Consider rewording. I'd give a suggestion, but my style is very different and I can't imitate the voice here very well. Sorry!

Early morning practice on Saturday, at the start of summer vacation. Latecomers were to be expected.


I'd replace the full stop with a colon.

It took me awhile


Two separate words here, I think: "a while".

started at nine,” he paused to look at the newcomers, who were quickly looking away, “we’re


As "he paused" isn't a dialogue tag, I'm not sure this makes sense with the punctuation you've used. It's not a continuous sentence, so you can't really have commas. I'd rephrase it so you include a dialogue tag or separate the speech into two different sentences.

They’d be able to play uninterrupted and to the top of their game. Why I was not among them I wasn’t sure. My age seemed to lump me in with the new people. Normally it didn’t bother me.


There are lots and lots of short sentences here. I'd make use of a semi-colon somewhere in this paragraph to break it up a bit, because it feels like I'm stopping and starting, and I lost the flow.

it’d gotten loose.


I'm not sure about this. It's clunky, and I hate the use of "gotten". Try "come loose" instead?

And your hair might get in the way while practicing.”


It's "practising" on this side of the pond, but I have no idea whether Americans use the alternate spelling.

my lose, mid-thigh length shorts


This should also be "loose".

TheEnigma caught the other spelling errors, and I think they've been corrected.

As this isn't finished, I suppose I can't comment on the lack of conflict, because I assume you're aware of it. As it is, it's not a huge issue because your style is quite readable.

Now, the characters. I think Julia is quite well drawn here, if a little bit two-dimensional, but that might change as we go through. The danger with Alex, on the other hand, is that it's very difficult to write yourself into a piece and you could end up either over-complicating the personality or over-simplifying. Here, I think you just avoid mentioning any insecurities. Doesn't she feel any kind of embarrassment when Julia is talking about her friends like that? There are minimal emotions in this piece considering it's from first person, which is odd.

There's not much more I can say, because on the whole, very little has happened. The characters have been sketched in, but I assume there's more you're going to give us in the later parts, which is why I'm holding back on any kind of criticism of the story as a whole. That, and it's well written enough so as not to require any kind of language crit. Good luck with the contest!

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Heylo there! So I am here to eat up your story. :D I'm sorry if I have a lot of comments but I felt like I should do a good job with this since it is for a contest! As such... I do have a lot of comments.

Nick glanced at him. “Past the fact I got beat by a girl.”

I flashed him a grin. “If you’d been playing for six years you just might have beaten me.”

Nick glanced at Paul. “Why did I let you convince me to join this club again?”

Redundancy. Also you were redundant in "Description. Quote" for these three lines, and you do it a bit more later. You should try being more original with each line you write. I know it's an afterthought to do so - but it helps a lot if you can get creativity into the way your lines are put together.

Watch how you answer, or Alex there might take it as a pass to tease us until then.

From what I know, you shouldn't have a comma after "answer"

Normally it didn’t bother me, but, this week, a few people I had trained got moved into one of the advanced groups.

The mass of commas in this sentence made it feel bulky; it didn't flow well. Perhaps you can cut words or rearrange it somehow?

The girl looked up, eyes dancing around the crowd of boys left.

I have to problems with this sentence. "Eyes dancing" makes me think she's having a seizure and her eyes are flailing about. Generally, I try to keep myself from writing about things that eyes are doing. Perhaps she's looking at, but eyes dancing seems a bit much to me. Then "boys left" made me first think directionally, so perhaps "boys which/that were left" (I'm never sure on the difference of which/that.)

I tightened my ponytail, realizing it’d come loose.

I get irritated easily when character "realizes" something, especially you know, since she just went ahead and talked about tying hair back to the other character. So it's understandable that she just decided to tighten her ponytail because they're going to play, instead of, JUST THAT SECOND she realized it was loose. Personal irritation, but an irritation I felt like pointing out nonetheless.

So she wasn’t completely scared away, I added,

I feel like you needed the word "since" in this line.

---

Okay, now I'm going to talk about some bigger stuff. My largest rant is going to be about first person. I do have a few rants about it though... I'll try and break it up into pieces though. Hope it makes sense?

Perspective in First Person

I felt like your perspective in the first person was skewed. First person is significant because, as I'm sure you know, you only get the viewpoint of one character and the things she would notice. And yet, your character had a certain knack for noticing the oddest things. I most had this occur with these sections:

But once I spotted the girl with shorts that went a quarter of the way down her thigh and her hot-pink sports-bra showing around the neckline of her skin-tight tank top, showing off some impressive curves, I figured I knew who they were looking at.


She ran her fingers through her chest-length hair as we walked past a group of guys.


Julia tied her hair into a low ponytail, back arched to show off her chest.


Your first person narrator notices the description of this woman, young lady, whatever, so well I'd almost think she was a lesbian. In my mind, when someone notices those tiny things, it's because they're significant to the character, especially in first person. But, in truth, she's noticing these so that you can use them to characterize this other girl as being different from the first person narrator. So, I think this is flawed. Would your narrator normally notice the impressive curves? Does she believe they are impressive? Would she normally look a girl up-and-down so well, and describe a girl as having a skin tight tank top? Unless this is a lesbian romance, I feel like the description is awkward for your narrator. Especially because she then goes on to laugh at the guys for being the ones to notice her, when your narrator is noticing her just as much! I feel like you went out of character with this, almost more third person than first. Descriptions should be relevant to the way the narrator would view things. This does not seem relevant in my mind. Again, unless like I said, she's interested in the female.

If you described instead in terms that used the character's own language and opinion, it would seem more first person than third. I also found it interesting that the only person you mentioned in greatest detail was the female. Had she done the same for the men I may have thought less of it.

Purpose with the First Person

Whenever I've used first person it's been for a very specific, defined reason. I've been sure to use the character's voice and opinions strongly in the narration because that is the reason why I am writing in first person. Those things - voice, opinion, personality - are important to the story itself. I don't know if the contest directs that this be written in first person or not, but I'd almost suggest you change this to third person. This feels like you're writing in first person in pronoun only. I should know so much more about the narrator than that they're lazy about their clothes and not at all like the opposite character and that she plays this sport. I should hear her voice, her mannerisms. Her opinions, her thoughts. Her reactions. Instead she seems much more like she's a passive observant. She's their merely to contrast the overly described female opposite her and to tell the events of the story. She's a narrator, not a participant. Perhaps my view is extreme, but I simply felt like you did not make the full use of the first person like you could have. I'm uptight about first person usage. I believe that if a writer isn't going to use it to it's full purpose and ability they shouldn't use it at all.

Here's a bit of things I would have liked to seen more in this story, with respect to first person or not:

-Greater description of setting. The only bit I got was "concrete" of the room. Description of setting in light of the first person narrator, as well, is important. How does she feel about this place? How does it impact her attitude?

-More personal insights from the narrator rather than impartial observations. She talks about how long people have been playing for, and what normally happens in these games and such, but there aren't many personal insights regarding a few comments here and there. This lends to the third person feel - she's too impartial and uncaring

-Your word choice didn't seem too exact, perhaps because you didn't do much description whatsoever. Try thinking of words and way of speaking that would be particular to your character as a person, not just as a narrator.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head with respects to first person. It also covers fairly well my general thoughts on the story as a whole because most of my opinions are with respect to the use of first person. I hope this review helped! Let me know if you have any questions.
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I chuckled. “Nope.”

“Why?”

I paused before opening the door to court five. “Why not?”


I don't get this whole exchange, surely the "Why" and "Why not" would be the other way around.

Alright so.

II. PLOT PROGRESSION

So. This is a nice little scene and I enjoy it. The problem is, where does it get us? The plot really doesn't move very far in the whole time and if it was a novel I guess that would be alright, but as it is it's the opening to a short story but it seems too long. Give us a reason as to why we're reading this. Because I've been reading your blog etc. I know this turns into a romance, but right now I've got no clue as to how that's going to happen, with who or why or, well, anything. You've got a handful of characters but so far not much reason for them being there.

III. OVERALL

I like it, I like the banter you've got going on. With the contest in mind, my problem is that to me, it's pretty obvious who the self-insert is. Julia's that girl, the one everyone hates, the one no girl would associate herself with. And Alex is, y'know, normal, modest, the kind of person that you can immediately relate to and understand, especially for other girls. My other problem is that so far, you've only compared and developed the two in one aspect of their life- and that's how they relate with boys. Which can say something about someone, but it's not everything.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Hey-oh!

Not so much the nitpicks will I give. More general impressions will I focus on. (And no more like Yoda will I speak.)

1) Exposition!
It's the beginning of the story, so you're trying to help us get to know the characters and what exactly is going on in this situation, but much of it felt rather info-dumpy.

We’d all meet in this court after our matches because of the bleachers facing a glass-fronted court.


Everybody within hearing range, mostly guys, chuckled. I’d been in the league since I started, and most of the people had been here at least two years. They knew me pretty well by now.


Stuff like this just felt really "exposition!". At this point, we want to get to know your character and while this stuff about her may be important, it's not really being presented in ways that make us care about the character. It's just sort of there.

Description!
The most description in the whole thing seems to be about Julia. Granted, she is one of the focus characters, but it doesn't feel like anything else is being described, not even how Alex feels about things. We get things like this:

That always stung just a bit.


but not much more than that. How does it sting? Does she feel inadequate? Is she angry with the coach for not recognizing her talents, but shakes it off in order to be helpful? Is she resentful of the fact that she is constantly training the new people? Does she feel underappreciated? Expand and describe!

I agree with Suzanne about your first-person narration. It does feel very much like Alex is just observing and not participating. Getting into her head a little more would be nice.

Look forward to more, I do. (Lied I did. Fun is speaking like Yoda.)

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This story catches my interest, probably because the main character reminds me a bit of myself, except that she's athletic, which is something I lack, but that's beside the point.

She's there just to hang out and do what she loves with her friends, which is a great contrast to Julia, who seems to be one of those more 'popular' type of girls who always wants to look cute and show off when she can. Putting these two together makes for potentially an interesting dynamic between the characters.

I didn't really notice an abundance of grammatical errors (of which I'm sure there were some), though I must admit I didn't read it with much of a critical eye. Mostly I was just enjoying the story and the characters' personalities, which you do a great job of creating. Fluid characters are key to a good story, as well as the concept of showing and not telling, which is a problem a lot of people have. Now you just gotta make sure the characters don't fall flat, and that they don't become actors on a stage.

I look forward to the next chapter. =]
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Edited! Hopefully Alex is a bit more of a participant now.
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I tightened my ponytail to make a point.

Can I just say that this is my single most favorite edit you did? It gives character, adds immediacy and gets rid of the strange "realization" line that was there before. Lovely.

This worked a lot better for me. The changes were all really small, but they added a lot. That little bit of internal monologue when Alex doesn't get chosen. The stream of thoughts reacting to dialogue and actions. So much more inside her head. Yayz!

This one character moment I noticed:
I opened the door for her and gestured out into the hall. “After you.”

Julia glanced at me with a raised eyebrow before stepping out. I followed her, letting the door close behind me. So much for an attempt at being polite.

While I totally understand where Alex was coming from, I can sort of see Julia's perspective on this too. Alex is just trying to be polite and nice, but Julia could totally be seeing it as almost being sarcastic. If she's seeing Alex as some sort of competition for the guys, Alex's gesture could totally be seen as sort of an attempt at a "one up" or a sarcastic jab. I mean, it's not typical for girls to hold the door and let other girls go through first. We politely hold the doors and everything, but not quite the way polite guys do. Just generalization on my part (I've certainly held the door for other girls and whatnot) but I can see where Julia might be coming from. Polar opposites indeed. Yay for character moments!

Good luck on this contest, you!

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Rosey! I've read this before you corrected it, but I never got around to reviewing it; brace yourself.

It doesn't seem like this is only my 1300th review, you know; I feel like I've done much more... :P

Anyway, prepare for slaughterrrrr.

There was a certain satisfaction beating guys at sports. Especially when they were a foot taller than I was and worked out.


Too general; you take to passive voice too much and you shouldn't. There is merely just existing, bring this personal to the narrator, make your language vivid and clear (so that we hear you above all other implied impulses and leave no room for confusion: "I got a certain type of satisfaction beating guys at sports, especially when they stood a foot taller than I was and spent hours in the gym working out."

“Impressive!” Paul said as we walked past him. He’d been at the back of the court, sometimes dodging a stray shot.

"Dodging the stray shots that came his way"; as you have it here sounds very awkward.

He held the door for us as we stepped out of the concrete room where our squash games were played. That’s what happened when somebody went first.


I know you're implying that getting to the door first means that you get stuck with holding it for everyone (Gosh, don't you hate that?), but I don't think you really need that extra part, because it's diverting attention from what's really at hand, dear.

Nick glanced at him. “Past the fact I got beat by a girl.”

I flashed him a grin. “If you’d been playing for six years you just might have beaten me.”

Nick glanced at Paul. “Why did I let you convince me to join this club again?”


Here, character actions feel detached from their speech, and I think you can branch these things together way better. Use commas instead of periods, because character actions can almost count as dialogue tags.



I jumped away, laughing more. “You joined [insert apostrophe] cause all your friends were here, me included.”




“Ow,” I said while chuckling. I began trotting backwards to keep an eye on him yet stay out of reach. “We should get back by now. Warm-up games usually don’t last this long.”


I think the active voice that you're using here is messing things up; why not ["Ow," I chuckled. I trotted backwards...]? It sounds much cleaner to me, and eliminates the confusion of too much words.



Before they could tackle me, I reached the main court’s door and opened it, letting the coaches know we’d shown up. Sometimes I wondered if matches I played should be held here. The glass-fronted court and bleachers would let people watch, at least. And make it easier to tell us when we were playing for too long.
The last sentence here sounds like a fragment and sticks out awkwardly. I think you should tweak it.



Everybody within hearing range, mostly guys, chuckled. They’d been playing with me for a few years come this point, and knew my sense of humour pretty well by now. I was pretty sure some of them had considered it their advantage to learn it.
I'm not sure why it's important to emphasize that everyone around her is mostly guys? Also, the final sentence here sounds awkward, too, and I think it should be something more along the lines of "become familiar with", because it sounds like Alex-humor is a language they've become well versed in. ;)

I looked to the other side of the bleachers, seeing who I might be paired up with next.


to see

People who’d been here anywhere from a week to a day gravitated towards that side. Since I was one of the people to train new people, I liked to see who might be nice to work with. If they weren’t serious they’d never improve. I’d never improve.


Close repetition and awkward wording; "One of the players who trained newcomers" would sound better.

There were a lot more people than there had been when I got here. Early morning practice on Saturday, at the start of summer vacation. Latecomers were to be expected.


Too confusing. Did she get here during the early morning practice on Saturday, or is that when the latecomers got here, or newcomers, or what?




Nick glanced at the group of newcomers. “Hel-lo, who do we have here?”


So far, I think you used the word glanced too much. It's too passive, too relaxed; does he glance quickly, look away, and then just move on? Or is he looking? Be specific. :D


It took me a while to find who they were looking at. But once I spotted the girl showing as much skin with as much tight clothing as possible, I figured I knew who they were looking at. At least she had the figure to wear it.


This sounds like she's wearing a lot of clothes. Perhaps "...spotted the girl in tight clothes showing as much skin as possible...."

I glanced at the two fifteen year olds next to me and shook my head. Boys. I was glad they didn’t look at me like that. It was hard to get their respect normally.


Glanced again. I don't think you need the latter part about them not looking at her like that. It's generally already implied, and here it almost makes her seem jealous. Even if she's saying she's glad.

“So!” one of the coaches said loudly, grabbing everybody’s attention. “Since a few people didn’t get the message class started at nine...” He paused to look at the newcomers, who were quickly looking away. “We’re going to change up the groups a bit.”
comma after message. Also, I think I would feel better if you said something more along the lines of "Who were trying to look at anything but Coach" or whatever.


I waved to them quickly as hey walked by.
they







The girl looked up, eyes dancing around the crowd of boys left. The downsides of having this nickname… I lifted one hand and gave a quick wave. Julia’s shoulders dropped when she realized she wasn’t paired with a guy. Hopefully we wouldn’t be paired with a guy. I didn’t want to think what would happen then.


I don't think the italics and the two last sentences are doing much to our benefit, dear. They're kind of just extra fluff since this stuff is already implied.



I thought of every team sport league in the city. None of them were co-ed. And it was becoming obvious she wasn’t here just for the challenge of playing against guys.
Fragmented sentence on the end right tharr. ;)













Now it was my turn to pause. Was her attention going to my friends? At the same time, I had no reason not to answer. “Two months and a year and a half.”



I raised an eyebrow, bouncing the ball between the floor and my racquet to make sure it bounced well. Curiosity killed the cat. And she made me curious. “Yes?”


Another fragment, "and she made me curious"


*

Not bad, but not that great, either. I'm unsure about your main character -- she seems pretty icy, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the air you gave her, but she seems a bit pretentious and I don't understand why she felt the need to survey Julia so extensively. I would tone that down a bit, because it just makes her seem jealous in spite of her nonchalant attitude. Perhaps, with time, we'll see a bit more about her character.

I think the main thing you need to watch here is your sentence structure, Rosey. A lot of times, you retrace a step and add a fragment, and that doesn't do anything for the story, but rather makes it seem like you're uncertain in your writing, and it's just not something that's good to see in your writing. (Whoa, major run on right there. >.>) At any rate, I think you have a good basis to work from, but this needs a good editing.

Keep it up! I am curious about where you'll take this.

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter



sweet mother of asparagus
— GengarIsBestBoy