Eastern Star

Following the Eastern Star
Minds drift neither near nor far
To the fair summer’s dream
and musty smoke of cigars
If love were held in light esteem
Surely heaven would lose its gleam
St. Peters pearly gates would lose the hue
Of the Moon’s running streams
God’s love for man, how true
Not reserved for any few
Unconditional love, however bizarre
Brings me back to you
Never before will another
Adore you like this bled out lover

Hey tanith,

Your main problem here is rhythm. With very few commas to guide the reader into pauses, it doesn't read very well. My best advice for poetry is to read it aloud to yourself. If you do so, you find where it runs too fast, or slow. You can also balance your lines and control when you want them to be longer or shorter. Right now this is almost impossible to follow because every time I try to read it, I find it so awkward not knowing when to stop.

Hi Tanith14! Firestarter just about summed it up. I just feel like I need to point this out to you ...

tanith14 wrote:St. Peters pearly gates would lose the hue

St. Peter owns the pearly gates, right? So, they are St. Peter's pearly gates, not St. Peters.

I must say, I rather like your loose rhyme scheme. It just seems so free and careless, but definitely in a positive way. Nice work!