What They Wanted.

haha this probably doesn't make any sense. i know it needs aalotttta work. just give me any advice.. i need it.


------old poem---------------
The ground is clustered by stereotypes.
Like landmines ready to explode,
getting my head ready to implode.

Its a dying green lawn in the suburbs.
Being dug up by the holes of gophers.
I'm being buried alive,
Swallowed by each animals home, and their starting to cave.

-Its cupcakes being baked for a school fundraiser,
By the perfect presidential mom of the PTA.
I'm the batter that's slowly being shaken.
I'm conforming to her mold.
I'm baking, and when i cool.
The entire school will feed off of me.

I will be what they all wanted.
----------------------
still needs a lot of something haha,
ill probably end up addin some more stanzas
but new poem?

The ground is clustered by stereotypes.
Like gopher holes across a dying lawn.
I'm trying to plead a way out,
but every lie is caving in.
No worries for the family,
now they're lawns alive again.

Its cupcakes being baked for a school fundraiser,
By the perfect presidential mom of the PTA.
I'm the batter that's slowly being shaken.
I'm conforming to her mold.
I'm baking, and when i cool.
The entire school will feed off of me.

I will be what they all wanted.

Hey samiam,

Steretypes should be stereotypes. Im should be I'm. Thats should be that's. There's an i uncapitalised in there, too. Their should be they're.

Lots of grammar mistakes! Remember to check your work before you post.

The first stanza is odd -- I think it's the rhyme of explode and implode which simply doesn't work. The lines are too similar and it's jarring.

The third stanza is the one I think is salvageable. The idea of the narrator being fed to the school, cooling after being baked, cupcakes, etc. I really liked. The rest of the poem was average in comparison. The last line has a good impact, but I think you need to work on elevating the first two stanzas to the quality of the third, and you might have a workable piece here.

Cheers for the read.

Hey there Samiam. I have tell you, that is an awesome username!

samiam wrote:The ground is clustered by stereotypes.
Like landmines ready to explode,
getting my head ready to implode.

The second sentence here is incomplete. I don't know whether that was the effect intended or not, because, of course, you have poetic license. However, it is best for the reader to be able to clearly see whether you meant for the sentence to be incomplete or not.

"Getting my head ready to implode" sounds funny. Funny peculiar, not funny haha. It sounds almost like it is in the passive tense, but it's not. Do you know what I mean?

samiam wrote:It's a dying green lawn in the suburbs.
Being dug up by the holes of gophers.
I'm being buried alive,
Swallowed by each animal's home, and they're starting to cave.

I like the stanza, though I'm not sure what you're getting at. This one actually is in the passive tense.

samiam wrote:Its cupcakes being baked for a school fundraiser,
By the perfect presidential mom of the PTA.
I'm the batter that's slowly being shaken.
I'm conforming to her mold.
I'm baking, and when I cool.
The entire school will feed off of me.

I will be what they all wanted.

This last stanza was very menacing but humorous -- a difficult combination to achieve. One flaw it that I have no clue what the PTA is. Also, check this out:

http://www.writinggooder.com/

I think that will help you a lot with your grammar/punctuation. Nice work!

hahahah oh god.
i wrote this on impulse at 2 in the morning last night..
thank you for being so open minded,
Im going to see what I can do with it!

and also the pta is the parent teacher association haha.