The Price of a Vampire (2 of 2)

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The first part is here - The Price of a Vampire - Part 1. I'm not really sure if you have to read it to understand this bit, but I linked it anyway. oo"

This is a vampire story for Suze's contest, so again, feel free to rip it into itty bitty pieces. And I forgot to mention this in the last part, but the underlined words are marked for Suze. They're nothing special. ^^"

Start

Benedict glanced at the crowd. “Any objections?”

Not a word was breathed. No one wanted to pay an absurd price for a normal slave when they could have a vampire for the same price. A slave was only a servant. A vampire was a goldmine – if you sold their blood as medicine, then you’d recoup your expenses in five years. But if you their sold diluted blood to the black market as illegal drugs, then it’d only take a year, maybe even less.

Benedict shrugged at the audience’s complacency. “Good.”

It was too much. Gavin shut his eyes and turned away in an attempt to shut himself in his own mind. The victim herself didn’t scream, but a few people in the audience cursed. Surprised shrieks, gagging, splashing, footsteps, creaking –all these filled the air. Gavin clenched his teeth and counted to fifty. The acrid smell of vomit swam through the room, mingling with the sweaty humidity.

When Gavin finished counting he opened his eyes. The only evidence left of the vampire’s feeding was the girl’s carcass being dragged away by the two burly men who’d held the vampire a few minutes before. Gavin’s stomach churned at the sight of the girl’s corpse…or what he assumed was the corpse, anyway. It was nearly unrecognizable, as the vampire had devoured her face and neck almost entirely and the bits of the bone shone through the bloodied mess. The rest of the carcass was pale and obviously drained of blood. For how long had Benedict starved that vampire?

“Convinced?”

Empty chairs littered each row. Perhaps only half the bidders remained, the duchess included. Gavin took a deep breath to steady himself before refocusing his attention on Benedict.

“Now tha’ we’ve scared the pussies away, let’s start. Bidding starts at two hundred gold coins. Do I hee’ two hundreh and twenty?”

Before Gavin could raise his paddle the man in front of him raised his eagerly.

“An’ we ‘ave two hundred and twenty – but do I see – oh two-for – no I see two sixty!”

This was absurd. The vampire’s price was high to begin with, but it was increasing at an alarming rate. Gavin grit his teeth and repeated what the duchess said to himself. Vampires were investments. He raised his paddle. He was winning this auction, no matter what.

“And we ‘ave two eighty, oh there goes three hundred! Do I see three twenty? Goin’ once – oh we ‘ave three twenty!” Benedict’s eyes lit up. “Do I hee’ three forty? Going once, going twice – Three forty from the young man in the fourth row!” Benedict roared with laughter. “I’m guessin’ tha’s the last bid? Going once, going twice – sold to numbe’ twenty-nine, the blond man in the white suit! And tha’s the end of this auction. Numbe’ twenty-nine, come onstage and claim ya new slave!”

New slave. The vampire was his. Like he wanted it to be. So how come his blood curdled in his veins?

A few hours later, well past midnight, he was sitting in his den when his somewhat grumpy butler announced the entrance of the duchess. Gavin didn’t take his eyes off the crackling fireplace, nor did he stand up to greet the duchess as courtesy required.

“How do you feel?” Her voice was refreshing, a splash of water on a cold day. So different from the voice she used at the auction room.

“Terrible.”

She approached him; sat on the arm of his sofa. “That’s natural. Where’s the boy?”

Gavin’s eyes flickered to the figure drowning in the shadows of the room’s corner. The little boy – no, monster - shrank deeper into the darkness.

“I see. So you’re one of us now.” Her words floated into the air, lightening it somewhat. “I’ll need to make arrangements.”

“Arrangements?”

“Yes, well, you’re going to have to feed the vampire, won’t you? How many a week do you need?”

People. Right. The duchess wouldn’t let him abduct and murder anyone he wanted. It made sense she would want to control who were being fed to the vampires. “I don’t know.”

“Once a month then, since you probably want to age him. After he’s aged enough, tell me and I’ll begin sending one everyday.”

Silence, deafening silence overtook the room. Her clothes rustled as she stood up. He made no move to bid her goodbye.
A person a month on his conscience. And that number was going to snowball into a man a day. Then there was a tenth of his fortune as an investment. Surely it was a small price to pay for such big returns? His father would approve of it, would he not?

“Don’t think about the vampire too much. Pretend he’s normal. In a sense, he truly is just another slave, after all.” Her voice came as a surprise. He didn’t think she was still around. “Only slavers sell vampires, just like they’re the only ones who sell slaves.”

Gavin snorted. Right. “What, they just pick vampires off the streets?”

He could imagine a sarcastic smile on her pretty face. “No, I heard they force the most beautiful children to drink some secret potion to turn them into vampires.

“Children? That’s cruel of them, isn’t it?” Gavin’s gaze was dragged back to the child by the sheer magnetism of its presence.

“Well, rumor goes they don’t have a choice. Older people die when they drink the potion.”

Older people died? Was that some story they told themselves to justify turning children into monsters? “D’you believe it’s true?” Gavin’s voice barely counted as a whisper.

“There must be a reason they only sell vampire children, no?” The duchess bent down to kiss him on the cheek. “It’s not easy owning a vampire. Don’t let the ghosts of its meals haunt your dreams, darling. Sleep well, and stay sane. For me.”
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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This is indeed a great story you have here. To be frankly speaking, I didn't read part one so i started on this one. But i'm following nice and i understand. The auction bidding you writing is so real like and is really creative for a vampire to be bidd and was bought.

I do hope that you can continue this story, perhaps mention the life with that vampire and so on.. Good, keep on writing. By the way, I'm a new member here and I just started one, called the legendary party. Its more on heaven and demon so if you are free, comment on my work, thanks.
A good story is something that is readable and understandable regardless of the length




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I haven't read part one (yet), but this was amazing, even without reading it. This deserves more comments, dammit! D: And now I simply must read part one. Must must must!

I really don't have much to say, this was that good. I'm curious what the exact relationship between Gavin and the Duchess is, but it's a good kind of curious, and if you were to ever expand upon this story further, I would love to read it. I also really liked the idea of vampires' blood being a powerful drug; it nicely justifies why vampires would be kept around even though they prey upon humans.

So yeah. End of gushing. >.>
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Not a word was breathed

I have my doubts about this, but that's entirely your artistic choice. It just seemed a little odd to me.

But if you their sold diluted blood

You've probably already figured this out, but switch "sold" and "their".

So how come his blood curdled in his veins?

I believe that the phrase "how come" is idiomatic. I'm not sure if it's a part of proper English. It's still your choice, but I didn't feel like it fit in with the rest of the writing style you've been using. Just a suggestion.

Well done once again. I'm surprised that you're ending it here. Sounds like it could continue with the plot. I'm intrigued by the concept that feeding less often ages the vampires. I've never read that in any vampire stories.




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Hey! I'm back!

This second part is great, however I'm a bit disappointed that it wasn't longer! Why exactly did you split it into two sections?

The first part gave up a lot of new information, introduced characters and the basic idea. I felt that this second half lacked the same momentum, despite the revelations about vampire blood. I think this is mainly because the scene from the first part rolled over to about half of the second. As a reader I didn't feel quite as satisfied! I'd also like to know more about the duchess and their relationship. To me it seemed odd that she would just turn up without Gavin making some mental comment on her presence or giving at least a hint to their relationship. I also think the second half is a good time to describe the duchess physically. I'd love to know what she looks like and what Gavin thinks of her looks. It's on thing to take your reader by the hand and present them with description, its another thing to let them jump in and explore the language you offer for themselves. (don't worry if you don't understand what i mean, I'm not entirely sure if i do either!!)

However, your language and ideas are great, and they are usually the hardest parts! Don't ever give up on this story, you have something truly special going on here.

I'll be following you, i simply have to know more!

Phaix xx
I will live forever, even if I die trying.




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this is a really awsome, you should really make a third one! lol xD ((:
-Jessey Lee ((:




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this one is just as good as the last one!
i hope you'll make a third one, and maybe a fourth one!!




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Hey Kara

I'm really liking this piece of yours.

You have all the elements to a great short story: An amazing world, a brilliantly descriptive dialogue, a heap of tension, a seductive darkness and an interesting idea. I'm impressed once again.

I'd like to understand who this duchess is, though. If she's got the power to stop Gavin from feeding the vampire whoever he wants, why doesn't he have the power to shut Benedict down. If she doesn't want to shut him down, why doesn't she want to.

Also, if I am right and you were going for the effect of trying to create the metaphorical price for buying a vampire as a weight on the head of Gavin, I'm not sure how well you got the message across. I would have liked to have seen an actual breakdown in his personality or him being cut off by a friend by matter of principle, as it seems that he doesn't yet actually realize the price of the vampire himself. He's never quite consolidated his position by the end of the story on buying the vampire, which I found slightly offputting.

Still, you're an awesome writer and your story was close to perfect.
Great job!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
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