Unrequited Love OR Seductress (Can't decide)

4 posts

Which title do you prefer?

  • Unrequited Love 40%
  • Seductress 60%
  • Neither No votes

Total votes: 5

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Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 145
Come.
Steal away my agony and pain.
Bear me to a place fair to look upon
And leave me there to the glowing starlight.
Leave me to the butterflies that float upon the caressing breezes.
Leave me to the jewel of a sun,
Lying majestically on its blue cushion of silk.

Come.
Come to me as the hours grow long.
Come as summer falls to the anger of winter.
Come as the sun hides behind a thin white curtain.
Come,
For my need is great.

But you will not come to me,
Won’t leave your past life.
I live only in your dreams.
In life,
I fade.

The sun holds no more joy;
I no longer welcome its bright enchantments.
The butterflies lie still.
I can see no more.

Go.
Die.
Go from the world,
Don’t look back:
There is no one there for you.
How dare you imprison me in this living Hell?
I am a prisoner of my
Thoughts,
Actions,
Dreams.

I cling to my last breath.
Slowly,
Your life ebbs away.
All is still.
I see.
We die.
Last edited by Skye on Sat Dec 04, 2004 12:37 am, edited 4 times in total.
"A poet in love is best encouraged in both capacities or neither." ~ Jane Austen, Emma.




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Gender Female
Points 39955
Reviews 1288
Overall, I liked it. I liked the description (I'm afraid of description so that's a rare thing for me to say).

I am a prisoner of my
Thoughts,
Actions,
Dreams.


I don't really like the breakoff at "my" here. Maybe you could rewrite it like this.

I am a prisoner
Of my thoughts.
My actions,
My dreams.

Otherwise, it was awesome.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6165
Reviews 665
This poem was absolutely phenomenal. It was disconjointed (is that a word?) is some places but this part doesn't need to be changed at all:
"But you will not come to me,
Won’t leave your past life.
I live only in your dreams.
In life,
I fade. "
That right there is just way too beautiful.
Good work overall.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 6
I don't have anything I don't like in this poem honestly!
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
Everytime-Britney Spears



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