"Unfortunately... I love you" Chapter 3 (Draft #1)

The summer took me by surprise and I wanted to do something exciting. I searched on the internet for summer camps and I found the perfect one for me...
I asked my mom and she approved my idea. On my way to the camp, I was thinking about some things I wanted to do in my life. I sure wanted to finish High School and then go to college, “What do I wanna be?” “What will happen while I'm reaching it?” I wondered full of excitement.

When we reached to the camp, I took my bag out of the car and my mom hugged me.
“If you need anything call me,” She said.
“Okay,” I said.

"Be good. Don't be too loud, don't be rude to the other kids and if you need to dance in the pouring rain, please... do it on the sidewalk," She told me.
"Okay," I replied laughing.

And I remember what my sister yelled from inside the car...
“And don't eat so much ice cream!”

Then, a woman from the camp said...
“Okay, Kids! Make two lines, girls in the left and boys in the right,”

I was really excited and I started talking with the girl in front of me.

“Is it the first time you come to this camp?” I asked.

“No, I've been here before. What's your name?” She asked.

“My name is Janette,” I answered.

“I'm Paula.”

“Do you like soccer?” I asked.

“Yes,” She answered.

“I like sports, but the truth is that I'm here for the drawing and writing classes,” I said.

Then the woman started talking.
“Okay that building over there is for the boys,” She said pointing at it. “and that other building is for the girls, now go and get ready for the soccer practice.”

So I took my bags and I walked to the building with my new friend. When we get there I put my bags on my bed. Then took my bible and put it under my pillow.

"Why do you put your bible under your pillow?" Paula asked.

"Oh, I always do that. That way I won't forget to read it before I go to sleep." I replied.

"That's a great idea!" She said as she was putting her bible under her pillow.

Later we walked to the soccer practice and the woman said “I wanna see those lines again.” After we were all in line she said. “Okay, girls, look to your right cause that boy is going to be your soccer partner for the first practices.” So I took a deep breath and looked to my right. There he was smiling at me...
“Hi, Jannette. Haven't seen you in a long time.” He said.
“Uum... Hi, partner. I mean, hi... Adam.” I said in shock.

After the practice was over we went to the cafeteria for something to eat. While I was on my way I felt some air behind me, and there he was... walking by my side.

“Hey, you are pretty good at soccer,” He said.

“You're kidding me, right?” I asked.

“Umm... No,” He said seriously.

“I didn't knew you played soccer,” I said.

“I'd never played soccer before,” He replied.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, is soccer one of your favorite things to do?” He asked.

“The truth is, no.” I said.

“Then what do you really like?” He asked.

“I like to draw and I love to write,” I said.

When he asked that I thought, boy... Is this the real Adam? Until I heard this...

“Oh, I thought you would say eating ice cream.” He was laughing so hard that I punched him with my bottle of water and started walking fast to the cafeteria.
Then I sat at a table, started eating and he sat next to me, as he was silent I asked him...
“Are you planning to go to the drawing class?”

“I'm still thinking about it,” He answered.



At night I was with Paula in the building.

“So, how did you met him?” Asked Paula.

“Meet what?” I said as I brushed my hair.

“How did you met Adam?” She asked.

“Oh, well I met him... Okay, I won't tell you how I met him, but I met him at the square,” I answered.

“At the square?” She asked.

“Yep. Some pigeons helped me. Where did you met him?” I asked.

“Oh, he's from my school. I met him at the band,” She answered.

“Oh, you play an instrument?” I asked.

“Yes! I play the electric guitar and Adam plays the drums,” Paula said.

"How amazing! I've always loved the electric guitar.I play the violin, but I've always wanted to play the electric violin."

"That's great, maybe we should make a band!" Paula said



In the morning, I was on my way to the drawing class. When I got there I sat and looked around for Adam, but he was not there.
Just when the teacher started the class someone opened the door; it was Adam.

“Good night, Adam. (He said sarcastically) Seems like you're late.” Said the teacher.

“Yeah, I'm sorry,” He said.

I notice they didn't get on too well, but when the class was over Adam told me reasons why...

“The teacher...” He said.

“What about him?” I asked.

“He hates me,” He answered.

“Why?” I asked smiling.

“Okay... He was a teacher in my school, and he has hated me sense 5th grade when I accidentally threw a juice on his precious art... That day he learned my name.”
I opened my eyes really big.

“Yeah, I know. It's kind of scary,” He said.

“Then, I'll be extra careful,” I replied laughing. From there I started calling him "Friend".



In the evening my mom called me.

“Hello” She said

“Hello, Mom? How are you?”

“Oh, I'm good. What about you? What have you been doing these days?” She asked.

“Well, I've been in the drawing classes, they're excellent. I can't wait to show you what I've drawn,”

“Oh, I can't wait either and what about soccer?” She asked.

“Oh, soccer is fine, I guess... But I like the writing class more. Oh, a have a new friend she's name is Paula and she's really nice,” I replied.

“Oh, that's nice. How old is she?” She asked

“Well, she's about my age.” I said.

“And, Are you being good?” She asked

“Yes, mom... I haven't felt the need to burn up the camp!” I said.

“Okay, that's good!” She replied laughing.

“Your sister is bothering me, she wants to talk to you,” She told me.

“Okay, bye,” I said laughing.

“Bye, take care and be good,”

“Uhu... bye,” I said.

"God bless you, honey,"


Then Jezlynne was on the phone.

“Hello, sis!” I said.

“Hi, sis. How you've been? I hope you haven't burned the place up!” She asked.

“Ha...ha...ha... Good joke! Oh, do you remember the boy I met on the square?” I said.

“The one who laughed at you? Don't tell me.... He's there?! At the camp?” She asked.

“Yes, he's here. We've become pretty good friends and I found out he is not that lame,”

“You're joking, right?” She said laughing.

“Umm... no!”

“You know, deep inside, he's kind of a great guy,” I said.

“Well, I'm glad you two are getting along...”

After we hung up, I received a text message from Jezlynne saying... “I bet you'll end up falling in love with him... hahahahahaha!” “That wasn't funny at all. ” I replied.



A couple of weeks later, I was on my way to the writing class, and Adam yelled...

“Janette! Come here,” and I went his way.

“The ice cream man was here and I thought you would like an ice cream,” He said.

“Oh, thank you!” I said.

“Hey, Janette?... Did you heard about the play in the theater tonight?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah...” I said.

“Are you coming?” He asked.

“Well... Maybe, I'm not sure...”

“Perfect then see you tonight,” And he went away smiling.



At night I was at the building getting ready to go to the theater.

“Where are you going?” Asked Paula.

“I'm going to the theater with Adam.” I said.

“Really? I starting to think love is in the air.” Paula said laughing.

“What are you crazy? I don't like Adam,” I said.

“Mhm...”

After that conversation I got out of the door and I heard Paula scream... “Have fun!”

When I get to the theater, Adam was at the door waiting. When he saw me he opened the door. I sat in a chair not so far away from the stage and he sat next to me. After ten minutes watching the play we noticed it was boring, so I decided to make something about it... No! Is not what you're thinking, I was not going on stage or screaming or anything like it. I sat on the floor, looked at Adam and started crawling to the door, Adam's face was red trying not to laugh. When I opened the door we burst out laughing. Then I decided the night wasn't over, and I started walking where the orchestra rehearsed.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

I sat on a wall and said. “Oh, nowhere I just wanted to hear the orchestra,”

“Then let's enjoy it. Wanna dance?” He said as put his hand on the air.

“Yes.” I said gently as I jumped off the wall. We started dancing and then he asked...

“What are you planning to do?”

“When? Tomorrow?... In a month? Or In ten years?” I asked smiling.

“I don't know... Tomorrow, in a month and maybe in ten years,” Adam said.

“Well, tomorrow I'm going to the soccer practice in the morning. In a month... well, I'm starting 10th grade and in ten years... I'm not completely sure,” I said.

“Well, that's pretty good,” He said.

“What are you planning?” I asked.

“Well, I don't really know...yet,” Then he stopped dancing and stared at me.

“What?” I asked smiling. He kissed me on the cheek..

“I have to go,” I said all puzzled as I took a step back away from him.
“Okay...” He said as I was on my way to the girls building.

THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS!!

Ok, I'm just going to go through this, and each correction or nitpick is in red.

Spoiler

The summer took me by surprise and I wanted to do something exciting. I searched on the internet for summer camps and I found the perfect one for me...
I asked my mom and she approved my idea. In my way to the camp I was thinking about some things I wanted to do in my life. I sure wanted to finish High School and then go to college, “What do I wanna be?” I asked myself. I was not sure, maybe a writer, a lawyer or a psychologist and maybe all that. “What will happen while I'm reaching it?” I wondered full of excitement.

When we reached to the camp I took my bag out of the car and my mom hugged me.
“If you need anything call me,” She said.
“Okay,” I said

And I remember my sister yelled from inside the car...
“Hey, you be good! And don't eat so much ice cream!”

My mother stood there few minutes staring. Then a woman from the camp said...
“Okay, Kids! Make two lines, girls in the left and boys in the right.”

I was really excited talking with the girl in front of me.

“Is it the first time you come to this camp?” I asked.

“No, I've been here before. What's your name?” She asked.

“My name is Janette,” I answered.

“I'm Paula.”

“What sports do you like the most?” I asked.

“I like all of them,” She answered.

“I like sports, but the truth is that I'm here for the drawing and writing classes,” I said.

“Cool.” She said.

Then the woman started talking.
“Okay that building over there is for the boys,” Add something like "She" heresaid pointing it. “and that other building is for the girls, now go and get ready for the soccer practice.”

So I took my bags, and I walked to the building with my new friend. When we get there I put my bags on my bed. Then took my bible and put it under my pillow and got ready for the soccer practice.

Later we walked to the soccer practice, and the woman said “I wanna see those lines again.” After we were all in line she said. “Okay, girls, look to your right cause that boy is going to be your soccer partner for the first practices.” So I breath and looked to my right. There he was smiling at me...
“Hi, Jannette. Haven't seen you in a long time,” He said.
“Uum... Hi, partner. I mean, hi... Adam,” I said in shock.

After the practice was over we went to the cafeteria for something to eat. While I was on my way I felt some air behind me, and there he was walking by my side.

“Hey, you are pretty good at soccer.” He said.

“You're kidding me, right?” I asked.

“Umm... No,” He said seriously.

“I didn't knew you played soccer,” I said.

“I'd never played soccer before,” He replied.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, is soccer one of your favorite things to do?” He asked.

“The truth is, no.” I said.

“Then what do you really like?” He asked.

“I like to draw and I like to write,” I said.

When he asked that I thought, boy... Is this the real Adam? Until I heard this...

“Oh, I thought you would say eating ice cream.” He was laughing so hard that I punch him with my bottle of water and started walking fast to the cafeteria.
Then I sat at a table, started eating and he sat next to me, as he was silent I asked him...

“Are you planning to go to the drawing class?”

“I'm still thinking about it.” He answered.

At night I was with Paula in the building.

“So, how did you meet him?” Asked Paula.

“Meet what?” I said as I brushed my hair.

“How did you meet Adam?” She asked.

“Oh, well I met him... Okay, I won't tell you how I met him, but I met him at the square,” I answered.

“At the square?” She asked.

“Yep. Some pigeons helped me. Where did you met him?” I asked.

“Oh, he's from my school. I met him at the band, and I'm going to stop correcting the , marks I think you understand” She answered.

“Oh, you play an instrument?” I asked.

“Yes! I play the electric guitar and Adam plays the drums.” Paula said.

“Cool! I love the electric guitar.” I said.

In the morning I was on my way to the drawing class. When I got there I sat and looked around for Adam, but he was not there.
Just when the teacher started the class someone opened the door; it was Adam.

“Good night, Adam. (He said sarcastically) Seems like you're late.” Said the teacher.

“Yeah, I'm sorry.” He said.

I notice they didn't get to well, but when the class was over Adam told me reasons why...

“The teacher...” He said.

“What about him?” I asked.

“He hates me.” He answered.

“Why?” I asked smiling.

“Okay... He was a teacher in my school, and he has hated me sense 5th grade when I accidentally threw a juice on his precious art... That day he learned my name.”
I opened my eyes really big.

“Yeah, I know. It's kind of scary.” He said.

“Then, I'll be extra careful” I replied laughing. From there I started calling him "Friend".


In the evening my mom called me.

“Hello.” She said

“Hello. Mom? How are you.”

“Oh, I'm good. What about you? What have you been doing these (This to these) days?” She asked.

“Well, I've been in the drawing classes, they're excellent. I can't wait to show you what I've drawn (Drew to Drawn).”

“Oh, I can't wait either and what about soccer?” She asked.

“Oh, soccer is fine, I guess... But I like the writing class more.” I replied.

“Your sister is bothering, she wants to talk to you.” She told me.

“Okay, bye.” I said laughing.

“Bye, take care and be good.”

“Uhu... bye.” I said.

"God bless you, Honey."


Then Jezlynne was on the phone.

“Hello, sis!” I said.

“Hi, so what have you been doing this days?” She asked.

“Oh, do you remember the boy I met on the square?” I said.

“The one who laugh at you? Don't tell me.... He's there?! At the camp?” She asked.

“Yes, he's here. We've become pretty good friends and I found out he is not that lame.”

“Your joking, right?” She said laughing.

“Umm... no!”

“You know, deep inside, he's kind of a great guy.” I said.

“Well, I'm glad you two are getting along...”

After we hung up I received a text message from Jezlynne saying... “I bet you'll end up falling in love with him... hahahahahaha!” “That wasn't funny at all. ” I replied.

A couple of weeks later I was on my way to the writing class, and he screamed...

“Janette! Come here.” and I went his way.

“The ice cream man was here and I thought you would like an ice cream.” He said.

“Oh, thank you!” I said.

“Hey, Janette... Did you heard about the play in the theater this night?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah...” I said.

“Are you coming?” He asked.

“Well... Maybe, I'm not sure...”

“Perfect then see you at night.” And he went away smiling.


At night I was at the building getting ready to go to the theater.

“Where are you going?” Asked Paula.

“I'm going to the theater with Adam.” I said.

“Really? I starting to think love is in the air.” Paula said laughing.

“What are you crazy? I don't like Adam.” I said.

“Mhm...”

After that conversation I got out of the door and I heard Paula scream... “Have fun!”

When I get to the theater Adam was in the door waiting, when he saw me he opened the door. I sat in a chair not so far away from the stage and he sat next to me. After ten minutes watching the play we notice it was boring, so I decided to make something about it... No! Is not what you're thinking, I was not going on stage or screaming or anything like it. I sat on the floor, looked at Adam and started crawling to the door, Adam's face was red trying not to laugh. When I opened the door we burst out laughing. Then I decided the night wasn't over, and I started walking where the orchestra rehearsed.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

I sat on a wall and said. “Oh, nowhere I just wanted to hear the orchestra”

“Then let's enjoy it. Wanna dance?” He said as put his hand on the air.

“Yes.” I said gently as I jumped off the wall. We started dancing and then he ask...

“What are you planning to do?”

“When? Tomorrow?... In a month? Or In ten years?” I asked smiling.

“I don't know... Tomorrow, in a month and maybe in ten years.” Adam said.

“Well, tomorrow I'm going to the soccer practice in the morning. In a month... well, I'm starting 10th grade and in ten years... I'm not completely sure.” I said.

“Well, that's pretty good.” He said.

“What are you planning?” I asked.

“Well, I don't really know...yet.” Then he stopped dancing and stared at me.

“What?” I asked smiling. He kissed me on the cheek..

“I have to go” I said all puzzled as I took a step back away from him.
“Okay...” He said as I was on my way to the girls building.

Basically be very careful with your dialog because you now realize that it should end with a comma if it goes on to say something like "he said" afterwards. This is a decent story overall, but I don't see a bigger picture as of yet. Keep working on the setting, but it has improved greatly since the first part.

~Day

Hey, thanks for letting me know the next chapter was up... here's my review!

Solvalery wrote:The summer took me by surprise and I wanted to do something exciting. I searched on the internet for summer camps and I found the perfect one for me...
I asked my mom and she approved my idea. On my way to the camp I was thinking about some things I wanted to do in my life. I sure wanted to finish High School and then go to college. Maybe even start a new paragraph here...
“What do I wanna be?” I asked myself. I was not sure, maybe a writer, a lawyer or a psychologist and maybe all that.If I were you , I'd change these last four words to "or maybe all of those." Makes more sense and flows better “What will happen while I'm reaching it?” I wondered full of excitement.

When we reached to the camp I took my bag out of the car and my mom hugged me.
“If you need anything call me.” She said.
“Okay.” I said

And I remember what my sister yelled from inside the car...
“Hey, you be good! And don't eat so much ice cream!”

My mother stood there few minutes staring. Then a woman from the camp said...
“Okay, Kids! Make two lines, girls in the left and boys in the right”

I was really excited, and started talking with the girl in front of me.

“Is it the first time you come to this camp?” I asked.

“No. I've been here before. What's your name?” She asked.

“My name is Janette,” I answered.

“I'm Paula.”

“What sports do you like the most?” I asked.

“I like all of them,” She answered.

“I like sports, but the truth is that I'm here for the drawing and writing classes,” I said.

“Cool,” She said.

Then the woman started talking.
“Okay that building over there is for the boys,” she said, pointing at it. “And that other building is for the girls, now go and get ready for the soccer practice.”

So I took my bags and I walked to the building with my new friend. When we get there I put my bags on my bed. Then I took my bible, put it under my pillow and got ready for the soccer practice.

Later we walked to the soccer practice and the woman said “I wanna see those lines again.” After we were all in line she said. “Okay, girls, look to your right cause that boy is going to be your soccer partner for the first practices.” So I took a deep (Was that what you were trying to say?) breath and looked to my right. There he was smiling at me...
“Hi, Jannette. Haven't seen you in a long time.” He said.
“Uum... Hi, partner. I mean, hi... Adam.” I said in shock.

After the practice was over we went to the cafeteria for something to eat. While I was on my way I felt some air behind me, and there he was walking by my side.

“Hey, you are pretty good in soccer,” He said.

“You're kidding me, right?” I asked.

“Umm... No,” He said seriously.

“I didn't knew you play soccer,” I said.

“I'd never played soccer before,” He replied.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah, is soccer one of your favorite things to do?” He asked.

“The truth is, no,” I said.

“Then what do you really like?” He asked.

“I like to draw and I like to write” I said.

When he asked that I thought, boy... Is this the real Adam? Until I heard this...

“Oh, I thought you would say eating ice cream.” He was laughing so hard that I punched him with my bottle of water and started walking fast to the cafeteria.
Then I sat at a table, started eating and he sat next to me, as he was silent I asked him...
“Are you planning to go to the drawing class?”

“I'm still thinking about it.” He answered.


At night I was with Paula in the building.

“So, how did you meet him?” Asked Paula.

“Meet what?” I said as I brushed my hair.

“How did you meet Adam?” She asked.

“Oh, well I met him... Okay, I won't tell you how I met him, but I met him at the square.” I answered.

“At the square?” She asked.

“Yep. Some pigeons helped me. Where did you met him?” I asked.

“Oh, he's from my school. I met him at the band,” She answered.

“Oh, you play an instrument?” I asked.

“Yes! I play the electric guitar and Adam plays the drums,” Paula said.

“Cool! I love the electric guitar,” I said.

In the morning I was on my way to the drawing class. When I got there I sat and looked around for Adam, but he was not there.
Just when the teacher started the class someone opened the door. It was Adam.

“Good night, Adam. (He said sarcastically) Seems like you're late.” Said the teacher.

“Yeah, I'm sorry,” He said.

I notice they didn't get on too well, but when the class was over Adam told me reasons why...

“The teacher...” He said.

“What about him?” I asked.

“He hates me,” He answered.

“Why?” I asked smiling.

“Okay... He was a teacher in my school, and he hates me sense 5th grade when I accidentally threw a juice on his precious art... That day he learned my name.”
I opened my eyes really big.

“Yeah, I know. It's kind of scary,” He said.

“Then, I'll be extra careful,” I replied laughing. From there I started calling him "Friend".


In the evening my mom called me.

“Hello,” She said

“Hello. Mom? How are you?”

“Oh, I'm good. What about you? What have you been doing these days?” She asked.

“Well, I've been in the drawing classes, they're excellent. I can't wait to show you what I've drawn.”

“Oh, I can't wait either and what about soccer?” She asked.

“Oh, soccer is fine, I guess... But I like the writing class more.” I replied.

“Your sister is bothering me, she wants to talk to you.” She told me.

“Okay, bye,” I said laughing.

“Bye, take care and be good.”

“Uhu... bye,” I said.

"God bless you, Honey."


Then Jezlynne was on the phone.

“Hello, sis!” I said.

“Hi, so what have you been doing this days?” She asked.

“Oh, do you remember the boy I met on the square?” I said.

“The one who laughed at you? Don't tell me.... He's there?! At the camp?” She asked.

“Yes, he's here. We've become pretty good friends and I found out he is not that lame.”

“You're joking, right?” She said laughing.

“Umm... no!”

“You know, deep inside, he's kind of a great guy,” I said.

“Well, I'm glad you two are getting along...”

After we hung up I received a text message from Jezlynne saying... “I bet you'll end up falling in love with him... hahahahahaha!” “That wasn't funny at all. ” I replied.

A couple of weeks later I was on my way to the writing class, and he screamed...

“Janette! Come here.” and I went his way.

“The ice cream man was here and I thought you would like an ice cream,” He said.

“Oh, thank you!” I said.

“Hey, Janette... Did you heard about the play in the theater tonight?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah...” I said.

“Are you coming?” He asked.

“Well... Maybe, I'm not sure...”

“Perfect then see you tonight,” And he went away smiling.


At night I was at the building getting ready to go to the theater.

“Where are you going?” Asked Paula.

“I'm going to the theater with Adam,” I said.

“Really? I starting to think love is in the air,” Paula said laughing.

“What are you crazy? I don't like Adam,” I said.

“Mhm...”

After that conversation I got out of the door and I heard Paula scream... “Have fun!”

When I get to the theater Adam was at the door waiting[color=. When he saw me he opened the door. I sat in a chair not so far away from the stage and he sat next to me. After ten minutes watching the play we noticed it was boring, so I decided to make something about it... No! Is not what you're thinking, I was not going on stage or screaming or anything like it. I sat on the floor, looked at Adam and started crawling to the door, Adam's face was red trying not to laugh. When I opened the door we burst out laughing. Then I decided the night wasn't over, and I started walking where the orchestra rehearsed.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

I sat on a wall and said. “Oh, nowhere I just wanted to hear the orchestra”

“Then let's enjoy it. Wanna dance?” He said as put his hand on the air.

“Yes,” I said gently as I jumped off the wall. We started dancing and then he asked...

“What are you planning to do?”

“When? Tomorrow?... In a month? Or In ten years?” I asked smiling.

“I don't know... Tomorrow, in a month and maybe in ten years,” Adam said.

“Well, tomorrow I'm going to the soccer practice in the morning. In a month... well, I'm starting 10th grade and in ten years... I'm not completely sure,” I said.

“Well, that's pretty good.” He said.

“What are you planning?” I asked.

“Well, I don't really know...yet.” Then he stopped dancing and stared at me.

“What?” I asked smiling. He kissed me on the cheek..

“I have to go,” I said all puzzled as I took a step back away from him.
“Okay...” He said as I was on my way to the girls building.

I noticed a lot less mistakes than last chapter, so good work! My only advice would to be to not doubt the power of the mighty comma! Make sure you let me know when the next chapter is ready for me to read!
xx TiannaJaneMorrison

Hey there, it's Mizz, here to review as requested!
To start off, I liked this. A lot, actually. I just noticed a few problems; I'll just skim over the basic issues since a few other users went ahead and did the in-depth reviews.
What I liked:
-The whole summer-camp feel. Perfect setting.
-The way Adam acts. He's very real to me, not like a piece of cardboard prop or anything.
-The way your main charrie is--most of the time.

What I didn't like:
-Having read the first chapter, I felt like you skipped a whole lot of time in between just these two chapters. That just doesn't work in my mind. If you were reading a book, do you want it skipping time when something could've, should've, and would've been happening? So, no, I think this would be more like chapter five or something, because honestly you skip too much time for my liking. Give us time to get to know your character, let us step into her shoes, etc.
-Show, not tell. One of the most basic rules of writing, also one of the hardest to master. Try to do more of showing instead of telling.
-The way you don't describe a lot of her time there. It just sort of jumps to the time with Adam, however the time when she isn't with him is just as important--does she think about him when he isn't there, etc...
-Oh my Google! Your dialogue. You need, need, NEED to fix it. I pointed this out on the last chapter.
"I'll talk to you later," he said. <---right way
"I'll talk to you later" he said <----pretty much the way you're doing it

So, all in all, nice job. Hope this helps!
Toodles,
Mizz

Hi, Solvalery! I read this chapter as you requested. I also skimmed the previous reviews quickly and, as far as I've read, they're right. Anyway, I don't really like quoting the entire thing when I review so I'm just gonna pick some parts and I'm leaving it to you to work out the rest.

According to the previous review, 'you skipped a whole lot of time' from the first chapter. So, my advice for you is to put something that mentions the skipping of time in the story. Oftentimes in my story 'The Inch', I skip a year per chapter, but I don't forget to mention that I did. You've already read my story so I hope you also learned how I mention skipping of time in my story. It works for me .

When we get there I put my bags on my bed.

You should remember to put a comma after phrases like 'When we get there'. And, you should keep your story in past tense since you've been using this tense on most of the verbs. Anyway, the sentence should be:

When we got there, I put my bags on my bed.
- - - - - - -

"Did you heard about the play in the theater tonight?" He asked.

When you use verbs in past tense like 'did', the following verb should be in present tense. Also, after a dialog, don't capitalize the first letter of the first word. Corrected form is as follows:

"Did you hear about the play in the theater tonight?" he asked.
- - - - - - -

“Well, that's pretty good.” He said.

This should be:

[b]"Well, that's pretty good," he said./[b]

Use commas instead of periods at the end of a dialog when it is followed by a phrase like 'he said'. It is fine to use periods at the end of a dialog when it is after or not followed by the said kind of phrase.
- - - - - - -
Lastly, you seem like you're hurrying your dialogs so please don't. Make sure there is enough description and that the characters don't change topics without using words that show transition like 'anyway' or 'by the way' or something like that. So, anyway (lol), I pretty much like this story. It's pretty interesting.

Keep improving!

So I am here, as promised, to review.
i will have to agree with... well I don't remember who said it, but your grammar was so much better in this chapter. I caught only a few things. The only other problem, as already mentioned by others, is that there should be commas instead of periods at the end of some quotes.

“Oh, soccer is fine, I guess... But I like the writing class more.” I replied.

It should be: "Oh, soccer is fine, I guess,... but I like the writing class more," I replied.

All in all, I really liked this. The story has improved and you've improved. I would just say to make this chapter shorter somehow because it was a lot to absorb in one sitting. Also, you don't neccesarily have to narrate her every action.

Keep writing!
Toodles!
~emerley.

THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS!!

Hey I am back yet again.

“Okay that building over there is for the boys,” She said pointing at it. “and that other building is for the girls, now go and get ready for the soccer practice.”

I think when you say piintinf a it, you could actually describe how it looks, in which direction it is from Jane, how far it was from her. Just saying pointing at 'it' doesn't seem the right thing.

So I took my bags and I walked to the building with my new friend. When we got there I put my bags on my bed. Then took my bible and put it under my pillow.

"That's a great idea!" She said as she was putting her bible under her pillow.

There is no mistake in this piece but personally I would like it if it is written like, 'she siad as she put her bible under her pillow'. Just an advice!

Later we walked to the soccer practice and the woman said “I wanna see those lines again.” After we were all in line she said. “Okay, girls, look to your right cause that boy is going to be your soccer partner for the first practices.” So I took a deep breath and looked to my right. There he was smiling at me...
“Hi, Jannette. Haven't seen you in a long time.” He said.
“Uum... Hi, partner. I mean, hi... Adam.” I said in shock.

So you just wrote the woman plainly. How does hse look? Is she the same woman they met before? And the next thing when she sees the boy is not at all dramatised. Where's the tension building, the thril and the shock. You just wrote 'in a shock'. I personally resented it.

“I didn't know you played soccer,” I said.

“So, how did you meet him?” Asked Paula.

You need to put first form of the verb with the word 'did'.

I'd just like to say one thing now about dialogue.

ex. "Don't lick your fingers please Dan," my mother scolded.
The dialogue ends in a comma, and the next phrase is a lower-case letter. This only needs to be done if you're describing how they said it. Like, if it ends in something like, she muttered, she said, she whispered, she hissed, ect....

If it's something like:
Dan, don't lick your fingers." She glared at him for a moment before turning around.
Since the next part didn't describe how she said it, the dialouge ends in a period..(Isha made me understand this)

“Good night, Adam. (He said sarcastically) Seems like you're late.” Said the teacher.

So here you should have put small letter for said and a comma before ending the dialogue.

“Yeah, I know. It's kind of scary,” he said.

“And, are you being good?” She asked

You should not start a word with a capital letter after a comma.

I have seen that you put a lot of ellipsis without it's being any need. It' not a toffee which you can use any time.
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx Here's a si I found out for you so to help you know where to put ellipsis exactly. Hope it helps!

“Okay...” He said as I was on my way to the girls' building.

Your writing in this chapter has definitely improved nad I think you should continue improving. Keep writing as it's the only way one can improve.

I have noticed another thing that after every smiling face you put to indicate that he next scene begins, you start with, 'that night' 'She called me' etc.. Someitmes you can surely start with a dialogue or how the place looks. Till now you haven't described a single thing, which you should start doing now.

SO I won't give you the same review I ahd been giving from the past two chapters. I should better shut up.

~Shubhi

OK, first I would like to cover the few typos I found.



In this paragraph I thought you added a bit too many "met's" and when Paula asked "So how did you met him?" it should be "So, how did you meet him?"

And when Janette replies, "Meet what?" I think it would be better if she said, "Meet who?"

Also, when they keep on saying "How did you met him," and "Where did you met him?" The 'met's' should be 'meet's'.

[quote="Solvalery“]

At night I was with Paula in the building.

“So, how did you meet him?” Asked Paula.

“Meet who?” I said as I brushed my hair.

“How did you meet Adam?” She asked.

“Oh, well I met him... Okay, I won't tell you how I met him, but I met him at the square,” I answered.

“At the square?” She asked.

“Yep. Some pigeons helped me. Where did you meet him?” I asked.

“Oh, he's from my school. I met him at the band,” She answered.
[/quote]


Then here, 'sense' should be 'since'.

“Okay... He was a teacher in my school, and he has hated me since 5th grade when I accidentally threw a juice on his precious art... That day he learned my name.”






And, for the story... Holy crap I LOVE THIS! Don't stop writing, because it's absolutely awesome!