Little Use for Poetry

My first post--please tear it apart, if you will. Also, title suggestions are greatly appreciated.

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I must admit I find little use in poetry—
the rhyme, meter, measured steps
all too like the enigmatic waltz of small talk or
the quiet ballet of condolences with practiced graces
used to take a partner carefully and lead
through intertwined footings and
sly, near indecent placements of his hand around her waist. With meanings
hidden beneath the glossy metaphor of a gentlelady’s satin fan
and twisted soliloquies of life and death and love obscured nicely
beneath a ribbed corset and endless layers of thin mannered tulle—
the only point being that the removal of the shirt, the corset, the hoop skirt
would be if not scandalous, then cheap: to bear all
with a low bodice, a garter belt exposed along with a slice of unsunned pale thigh.
Something better left covered, revered—not one thinks that the underneath
is unsatisfactory, or even merely ordinary.

Well, it's difficult to critique it because it's hard to tell if you really do or don't agree with poetry.

You should perhaps take the first person out of the first line. It appears there, then never again, and sticks out like a sore thumb because of it. Take it to the third person, maybe: "There is little use..."

all too like the enigmatic waltz of small talk or

do I critique the rhythm? If so, the rhythm is thrown off the "the enigmatic waltz." The "the enigmatic" part has an unnatural beat that makes the reader have to pause between the words. It was for this reason that "a herb" and "an herb" exists, because of the clustering of vowel sounds together.

placements of his hand around her waist

Again, you introduce someone into the story, "he" and "she", and then never mention them again. If they will appear and disappear so quickly, you'd be better off saying "placement of a hand around the waist" or something to that effect. Especially since, in the next line, you say "a gentlelady", which is an indefinite form.

not one thinks

Is that supposed to be "no one thinks"?

a slice of unsunned pale thigh.

the rhythm is thrown off again by the "unsunned" which I think isn't very necessary, since we learn it's pale. But yeah, rhythms tend to work better when the syllables bounce a little, but "unsunned" is a very monotonous sounding word.

I'm not sure if the last two lines make much sense to me. You're saying that it's indecent to strip the themes down to bare it all, and that it's better to leave it covered, right? But then you say that the thing we cover, no one dislikes it...so if everyone likes what's underneath, then why not bare it? I dunno, you left me confused at the end.

I can't think of a thing to correct that sargsauce hasn't already. However, I am confused with the overall purpose of the "poem." A poem criticising poetry? Isn't this a bit hypocritical? Perhaps you could take this little "poem," add a little to it, and mold it into a loosely organized opinion report. The two sentences you have written above hold more of the appeal of prose: they contain no meter, no meaning in the line breaks, no repetition. The only figurative language I can distinguish is the overall metaphor, which I must admit I like very much. I'll conclude that this will do excellently, but in a different category than "poetry."

Thanks for the reviews! I'll definitely edit this to try to be closer to what I was trying to say (I will defend myself, however, by saying that poetry about/criticizing poetry isn't unheard of, or even uncommon).

Hello,

Excellently written. And I can honestly say that in my extensive poetry reading, I have not found a poem that denounces poetry, at least not so poetically. I get the feeling that you don't necessarily agree with the topic of this piece. If you do, I think you're squandering good talent on fiction, or whatever you write as a substitute for the "little use [you] find in poetry".

The comparison of poetry to the banal intricacies of a dance, though on the surface is not incredibly original, was extended so much so that this was a fresh read. You were strongest in the first half of the piece. I felt, however, that the last five lines or so were a little too hurried, unplanned. As if you had something important to say, but your brain was moving faster than your mouth. Prior to this, the poem was graceful, subtle. Moving at a slow and steady adagio. What's more, to any poet, the logic of your final couplet is flawed, or at least irrelevant -- that all a poem is is pretty trappings that hide "unsatisfactory" trivialities. I heartily disagree with this, as will anyone who has read their fair share of poetry.

I do agree with Sargsauce on one point. You begin this piece in first person, and proceed to ramble without ever introducing the narrator again. This leads to a fragmentation. Like a sentence without a subject. Otherwise, I don't think rhythm is an issue here, right? This is a straightforward freestyle piece. Then again, I'm really terrible at picking out rhymes.

I'd consider slimming the poem down visually. Cut some of the line lengths down. It's a little ugly looking right now, and not at all appealing, nor in agreement with the subject (a dance) of the poem.

I think that maybe you could weed out some of the more extraneous words. You have a lot of extra adjectives, needless descriptors. As it reads now, the poem is a little too pretty. A little too satiny and pretentious. Like a kitten dressed in reams of pink silk. Make it a little sleeker by going through and weeding out all that is not necessary, or any redundancies in description. This will help to pare things down visually as well.

My favorite lines:

the quiet ballet of condolences with practiced graces

near indecent placements of his hand around her waist

Thanks for the lovely read,

-Kylan