Twinkle Twinkle (An Ode to a Star)

Twinkle Twinkle (An Ode to a Star)

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Twas but a twinkle of terrifying hydrogen,
The candle of heaven, entropic lust.
For every word another is snuffed.
I am evolved from its humble dust.

It floats phantasmal in the heady black,
As if to hang free.
I gaze in its eyes -
It gazes back.
No lack of or presence of pity.

Twas everything and a twinkle.

Hey there inkwell!
It's a pretty good poem you've got going there, though it was a tad confusing...
I like the wording you used and I'm guessing it's a little bit metaphorical someow. I'm still confused on what the story is though...
Apart from my lack of interpretation skills, it's a very good poem. Well written and structured.
Love it!
Keep writing,
Smashles

Hello there! Ya I agree with Smashles. It was a bit confusing at parts. But I like your word choice, and I like how you worded it as well, even though it was partially confusing lol. I also liked the way you had this formatted. Keep up the good work! Hope I helped

Thanks and forgive me, most of my poems have a signature stamp of confusion that I never intend.

Hey inkwell,

For every word another is snuffed.

Just to say I thought this line felt great to read. The sonic similarity of "another" and "snuffed" worked really well together.

I thought "phantasmal" seemed a bit forced, like you wanted to fit an interesting word in there.

The concept of it you gazing at it and it gazing back seemed a bit weak, too. You could do better. That was pretty cliche.

The first stanza was miles better than the rest. The rhyme scheme I barely noticed, but it sounded great. I think you should scrap the rest and structure like you did the first four lines, which are much stronger.

Firestarter wrote:Hey inkwell,

For every word another is snuffed.

Just to say I thought this line felt great to read. The sonic similarity of "another" and "snuffed" worked really well together.

I thought "phantasmal" seemed a bit forced, like you wanted to fit an interesting word in there.

The concept of it you gazing at it and it gazing back seemed a bit weak, too. You could do better. That was pretty cliche.

The first stanza was miles better than the rest. The rhyme scheme I barely noticed, but it sounded great. I think you should scrap the rest and structure like you did the first four lines, which are much stronger.

In retrospect I agree with you 100%. I probably won't change it though.

Thanks for the comment!