Of Loss and Love (chp.1) [newly edited]

Thank you!

I really like it so far. I want to see where your going with all of this. Rose seems like an interesting characters, and I would like to see her develop more.

Good job!! Off to read the rest!

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it!

This looks like a really interesting story. You have considered the plot and characters. I suspect great things.

Hi *Coco, Pink here, as requested.
So I've read your chapter and there's only one thing I'd really like to point out.
Your wording in a few sentences is a bit difficult to read, it's not wrong but just a little different. I think it's just because the time period and the way the narrator is speaking. I like the emotions you put into this chapter although I think it's a little to short for my taste. It's a wonderful start and I'm eager to read more.
On to the next chapter!

~Pink
(So sorry if this was a short and unhelpful review. I'm in a hurry right now, I'll make it up in the next chapter if possible )

Hi! You gave me such a nice review on my demon brothers story that I thought I'd do the same for you!

I liked this first chapter. It's a lot similar to Hamlet plotwise - the father dying and the uncle taking over the kingdom. You have a knack for stuffing paragraphs full of details, which in some writer's cases can get tedious to read through but you definitely pulled it off. I kind of felt rushed into the story, it would help if you lengthened out the intro a bit, but other than that I see no problems.

I like this version of your story better. I found out the relationship with her father, which makes much more sense as to why she mourns him. It's like, now I know that she had a healthy relationship with her father instead of the type of relationship most kings and princesses have with each other.

Something about your writing that I have noticed is that you tell the reader what another character is thinking or the reason behind the act but still in first person with the protagonist. Don't tell us the reason, just write it.

I hope my comment made any sense, if not sorry. but i really liked this better.
happy writings

I love your story so far! you are a great writer!

Please check out the changes made. Thanks a bunch

Hello, Coco! Nice to see you around again. So, you asked me to take a look a the edited version - I'll see what I can do!

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it. On the day of my father’s passing that very sense was enough to wake me from a sleep that was similar to death itself.

I'm not really a fan of this beginning. It's supposed to be drawing me, as a reader, in, but I'm not really getting that. It feels a little weak to me. You're on the right track, I think you just need to reinforce this and make it stronger.

I closed my eyes hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie. Unfortunately, I was soon to be bitterly disappointed.

Repeated heart which makes it seem a little odd and over the top.

With great force I pushed back the bed sheets that covered me and desperately ran out of my quarters.

What I'm already seeing here is that your style of writing is very dramatic. You describe things with big gestures the whole time: she is running desperately; she is saying devastatingly; she stares venomously. It all becomes a little much, and I think you need to tone down some of your writing. Instead of telling us how she feels like this, why not show us! It's an old saying I know, but it makes everything less dreary.

So, I can't remember the old chapter, so I can't compare here! But, I do think this is a nice chapter. I wouldn't say it was the best opening chapter ever. I think you need to go through it and make everything a bit less dramatic and tell-y. But, it's an okay start and I look forward to seeing what you've done to the rest.

Thanks Aqua! It's good to be back!

Hey *coco.

First of all a big invisible hug and chocolate for requesting a review. I really wanted to a novel's review as it's much fun and you have at least some more chapters to glue you in.

So here goes the review:

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it.

Firstly, is it an association? If not so, and Elder you means all the wise people, then shouldn't it be small letter 'e'. Secondly, I think you need some improvisation in this sentence. Well, of course when the parent has passed away then the children already know, so shouldn't you have written: ...can often sense it before

With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie.

“No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks and blood pounded in my ears.

I loved this description.

Of Loss and Love: chapter one

Well, this has got nothing to do with the story but I still wanted to point out that 'c' for chapter should be capital and so should be the 'o' of one. Like: Chapter One

Nothing mattered anymore.

Although sentence just comprises of three words, they are so strong and express her sorrow. They kind of sum-it-up.

As I emerged onto the landing I could hear the hushed voices of Uncle Maurice and his crooked-nosed advisor, Lord Sébastian.

His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise.

Wow! This was so beautiful , *coco.

I knew all too well that he could not be happier by the news.

Although I understand what you mean by this sentence and so would others who read this, it is wrong. It should be: I knew all too well that he couldn't have been much happier.'Much' is the very word you just missed.

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

I am not sure exactly why but I liked this sentence and specially the 'venomously' word you used here. Good job!

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asked them, my voice shaking.

Oops,a typo!

As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean.

Such a nice imagery!

And my most fondest memory of all, when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and me.

If you replace 'my' with 'I', it would become a correct sentence. But to make it more nice, perfect, you need to write: And my most fondest memory of all, when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after me and my mother.Here I just swapped the words and now they look like this(the bold ones).

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father," I said.

Well, a nice, solid ending. But personally I would like it more if you remove the 'I said'. These two words just block the flow of the story.

Well, as it has been re-edited, and also you have had some great reviews, so it had to be great.

Now onto a detailed review:

You might find this review helpless because it was hard to find any nit-picks here, so I am going to ramble about the greatness it had. First of all, the setting is my favorite, not too ancient and rustic and neither the modern one. As it is, I think, any girl would fall for a typical princess romance and the royalty it gives the readers. The story, I must say, isn't too original, though it has the uniqueness of your fabulous writing and the way you progress it ahead would also be different. I really liked the way you wrote, the imagery you created, the perfect dialogue, and the descriptions- neither too less and neither too much to bore a person.

Well, I would be lying if I say it was perfect and flawless. Firstly, your grammar was pretty solid except for the fact that there were no commas. Like almost everywhere we needed them, we couldn't find them. There were many a places where you skipped them and this made reading a bit tough. But I am hundred percent sure that it was just a careless mistake and you would do the needful. Just wanna quote an example of one of such mistake:

Wrapped in green velvet, embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s dead body.

Otherwise it seemed that the embroidery was of green velvet, while it was entirely different case.

I am a presentation freak so I would just like to point out that people would be able to find all the chapters in the 'View Novel' column so you really don't need to post the links down, although it is entirely your wish. And if you wish to still let the links be there, so please just write Chapter Two or three, whatever, instead of those blue long links. ANd I hope you know how to do it. If you don't so I am writing it down:
[url=LINK] Chapter Two[/url]
I hope the above mentioned point didn't bother you.

I am glad that you have nine more chapters for me to read. If I read a good start and then I don't have the rest to read, it kind of irritates me. So good thing it is! I would be back for chapter two and three soon, maybe today itself.

Flying off for now, leaving you with somewhat hopeless review, but I really cannot help.

~Shubhi

Hi Coco! KD here to review as sort of requested ^^; I'll try to review this like I've never read it before, since you edited the whole story. (Anyways, I read this so long ago.)



Nitpicks:


Corrections in the quotes (things to insert, take out, and point out) in bold.

The Elders of the Western Realms would say that when a parent passes away,
their children can often sense it.

Good beginning, I like it better than the first one you had, since it shows so much more about this story in the first sentence. Perhaps you should take out the 'would', though, since without the 'would' this sentence flows much better. I disagree with Shubhi a little bit on this one; capitalizing 'Elders' and everything else you capitalized in this sentence is definitely okay because of the time period this is written in, etc.

With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes, hoping with all my heart that when
I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie.

(I inserted two commas for you.) This sentence is a bit lengthy. Perhaps you could simplify it a little bit, or split it in half?

Suddenly I heard the deafening sounds of the warning bells echoing throughout the Old City followed swiftly by the sounds of echoing footsteps.

Take out one 'echoing'. Maybe take out the second one, since it feels more unneeded than the first.

With my heart beating and my blood pounding I hurried down the steps and sprinted across the arched torch-lit third floor hallway.

I took out the first part since we already get that the whole 'heart beating' and 'blood pounding' thing is going on from the last part:

“No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks and blood pounded in my ears.

The reader already gets the idea, and you don't need to emphasize it more.

Servants crowded around in large groups outside the steps of the Northern tTower, weeping into each other’s shoulders as news spread through the castle.

I capitalized 'tower' for you since I thought that the 'Northern Tower' is a proper noun/ a special place, since generally directions aren't capitalized by themselves.

“Ah...Princess Rosaline,” Uncle Maurice suddenly caught sight of me and cleared his throat nervously before bowing in my direction.

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly.

I stared at him coldly. His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise. I knew all too well that he could not be happier by the news. My father’s hatred for corruption, greed, immorality, and his opposition to political and religious reformation made him an enemy among pro-reformist nobles such as Lord Sébastian.

Who is she staring at 'coldly'? Besides that, this is a good, strong paragraph, and it flows well.

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

As Shubhi said, good imagery here with the use of 'venomously'. Maybe you should make her also remind Sébastian that she's the king's daughter as well when she's yelling at him, or something like that.

“Very well,” he nodded before stepping aside.

Can you tell us how he feels/reacts to the princess after yelling at him? Does he flinch in the slightest?

whilst the Chapel Priests flicked rose water onto his body and muttered prayers of salvation from the Holy Scroll. Upon my arrival, they stood from their seats and bowed.

Haha, I love your use of the word 'whilst'. It really captures the time period of this story, etc.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asledasked them, my voice shaking.

Typo.

“-pPlease give the Princess a moment alone with her father,” Uncle Maurice’s voice came suddenly from behind me.

Take out the hyphen there (well, I took it out for you). You already said his voice came 'suddenly from behind', so you don't need any fancy punctuation.

I turned away from the door and with the little courage that remained inside me I faced my father’s bed. Wrapped in green velvet embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s dead body.

The word 'dead' is unneeded since, well, we know he's dead already. Try to avoid saying the obvious.

Now he could finally rest - now he could finally be with my mother.

Dashes vs. hyphens...I'm not totally sure on their usage myself, but I'm pretty sure that you should have a dash here (I think a semi-colon can work too). If your computer can't make a dash, I guess you can just make multiple hyphens. Here's a good article on how to use dashes, just in case if you need it.

Suddenly the realisation of my situation hit me like a dagger to my heart. As I looked down at my father’s lifeless body the dreadful truth swept over me like a plague.

Two similar similes in a row doesn't read very well.

At just seventeen years old, I would become an orphan, and as a woman I would be at the mercy and care of my father’s enemies.

Huh? Maybe explain a little more.

“He promised me, Nan...” I continued to sob. “...after mMother died he promised he would never leave me...”

This makes the MC sound a bit selfish; maybe that's what you want. Also, how could he not leave her, since he's at least somewhat old, and had to die sometime soon?

I closed my eyes for several seconds in an attempt to muster up enough courage before kissing my father gently on his hand. As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean. I suddenly remembered how every night after supper my father would dance with me in the ballroom whilst my mother played the piano. I suddenly remembered how my father would playfully chase me around the castle gardens along with Nan everyday when I refused to take my night bath. And my most fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and Ime.

I like this whole recollection thing going on; very nice. In the last sentence, there should be a 'me' instead of an 'I', since, if you take out the 'my mother and' part, the sentence doesn't sound good with an I: And, my fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after I.

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father," I said.

I think this sentence reads better like this: With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time: "Goodbye, father."
(I don't know if I used the punctuation correctly.)

Overall:


Nice job. I only wish you could have described a little more, mainly about what those 'feelings' feel like in the beginning, and I wish you could have been less repetitive with the 'suddenly's and some of the similes.

Overall, you had good imagery, and good word choice. I'm interested in seeing exactly what kind of character the princess is (again, I can't remember the story well at all) since she came across as a little selfish when she was 'talking' to her father.

Hopefully the next reviews will be a little more detailed on characters, plot, etc.... I decided not to really talk about any of those things now since I hate grading people on those things in the first chapters of their story!

Hope I helped-

KD

I am so sorry it took so long! Finally - I got to it

The Elders of the Western Realms say that when a parent passes away, their children can often sense it. This is a great beginning, real eye grabberOn the day of my father’s passing that very sense was enough to wake me from a sleep that was similar to death itself.

Perhaps my feelings were entirely imaginary, a nightmare even, for I had been having plenty Sorry, I just don't like the word - it's nitpicky, but I think another phrasing would be better. Plenty sounds very simple. Of course, it's totally up to you of them since my father had first become ill. With that thought in mind, I closed my eyes, hoping with all my heart that when I would open them again I would see that what my heart was telling me was a lie. Unfortunately, I was soon to be bitterly disappointed.

Suddenly I heard the deafening sounds of the warning bells echoing throughout the Old City,followed swiftly by the sounds of echoing footsteps. Several seconds passed before a dark shadow appeared from behind my chamber door.

“My Lady,” breathed Nan - I love the name as she entered my chambers. “The King-”

The slightest glimmer of hope that had remained inside me vanished after seeing the look on her face.

Nan continued devastatingly, “I’m sorry but your father...he is no more...”

My reaction was instant. “No...” I said, my voice was barely a whisper as hot thick tears ran down my cheeks. Suddenly my chamber walls began to feel as though they were closing in on me, my breath started to feel short and heavy...

With great force I pushed back the bed sheets that covered me and desperately ran out of my quarters.

I could hear Nan calling me, running after me so that she could console me but I did not dare stop.Wwhy? I hurried down the steps and sprinted across the arched torch-lit third floor hallway.

Servants crowded around in large groups outside the steps of the Northern Tower, weeping into each other’s shoulders as news spread through the castle. Several looked up at me upon my arrival, some glaring Aagain, why?at me whilst others threw me looks of pity. I pushed past them and ascended the Tower’s steep spiral staircase. Their tears did not matter to me, and neither did their grief.

Nothing mattered anymore.

As I emerged onto the landing I could hear the hushed voices of Uncle Maurice and his crooked-nosed advisor Lord Sébastian.

“...perhaps we should wait a while...otherwise people may grow suspicious,” spoke Uncle Maurice quietly.

“We cannot afford to wait, Sire,” Lord Sébastian replied. “King Théodore has no heir to the throne and no son to continue with the succession. We must immediately press ahead with the declaration of your legitimate ascension to the throne-”

“Ah...Princess Rosaline,” Uncle Maurice suddenly caught sight of me and cleared his throat nervously before bowing in my direction.

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly.

I stared at Lord Sébastian coldly. His sombre expression could not mask his true feelings at the news of my father’s demise. I knew all too well that he could not have been happier by the news. My father’s hatred for corruption, greed, immorality, and his opposition to political and religious reformation made him an enemy among pro-reformistOkay, so I like it that you give no explenation to that, but do remember your targeted crowd is [I assume] teenagers - and most of the teenagers really won't know what pro-reformist means exactly, so an explenation is probably needed nobles such as Lord Sébastian.

“Where is my father?” I asked my uncle desperately. “I want to see him...”

Lord Sébastian looked hesitant. “My Lady, I don’t think that would be-”

“I AM THE PRINCESS OF ASINYA, YOU WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE HIM!” I yelled, staring venomously into his eyes.

“Very well,” he nodded before stepping aside.

My hands trembled as I walked through the heavy wooden doors into my father’s bedchamber. A cold sensation gripped me as I stepped inside. The large circular room was dimly lit by candle-light and the air carried a sickly sweet smell that made my hair stand on end. Several few court-physicians were still glaring over my father’s body, whilst the Chapel Priests flicked rose water onto his body and muttered prayers of salvation from the Holy Scroll. Upon my arrival, they stood from their seats and bowed.

“Wh...what happened to him?” I asked them, my voice shaking. I had known that my father had been feeling poorly for a while now, but never had it ever been declared as life-threatening in any way.

The court-physicians swapped glances.

“I’m afraid, we cannot say,” replied one. “He-”

“Please give the Princess a moment alone with her father,” Uncle Maurice’s voice came suddenly from behind me.

The court-physicians and Priests obediently stepped out of the chamber, followed closely by Uncle Maurice who closed the doors behind them.

I turned away from the door and with the little courage that remained inside me I faced my father’s bed. Wrapped in green velvet, embroidered with golden needle work was my father’s body. He looked paler than ever before, his cheeks were hollowed and there were large dark circles around his eyes. It was clear that the years of leadership had taken a toll on his body. Now he could finally rest - now he could finally be with my mother.

Suddenly the realisation of my situation hit me like a dagger to my heart. As I looked down at my father’s lifeless body the dreadful truth swept over me. My every limb began to feel numb at the thought of what this death meant. At just seventeen years old, I would become an orphan, and as a woman I would be at the mercy and care of my father’s enemies.

I placed my head over my father’s chest and wept tears of such anguish I thought that my heart would bleed with pain. “Father...” I sobbed into his chest. “I beg you...please don’t leave me...”Okay, so I'm not sure what to think about this line here. It's very used, you know. Maybe you should add something, for example, 'I'm scared', or - if she doesn't want to say that out loud next to her uncle, she could think it. I think it makes it a bit more authentic... Totally up to you though

Suddenly the chamber doors burst open and Nan ran in towards me, her face tear-stained as she began to pull me away.

“Please, my Lady...” she sniffed, wiping away my tears with her hands and pulling me into an embrace and cradling me in her arms. “You must stop...”

“I'm all alone, Nan...” I wept. “I am all alone...”

“You are not alone, my Lady,” Nan said firmly, holding my face. “You have me...I promise I shall always be here for you...always...” She wiped away the remaining tears from my face before giving me a reassuring smile. “Come now, let us say goodbye to your father.”

I closed my eyes for several seconds in an attempt to muster up enough courage before kissing my father gently on his hand. As I did so, childhood memories suddenly swept through my mind like waves from an ocean. I suddenly remembered how every night after supper my father would dance with me in the ballroom whilst my mother played the piano. I suddenly remembered how my father would playfully chase me around the castle gardens along with Nan everyday when I refused to take my night bath. And my fondest memory of all, was when my father would lie in bed with me every night and tell me wonderful tales of brave and beautiful princesses whom he would name after my mother and me.

The memories were still fresh in my mind as though they had happened only yesterday, and I would treasure each of them as though they were precious pearls, for those brief but happy moments were the only thing I had left in this world that would bring me comfort in the long, lonely and uncertain future that lay ahead of me.

With one kiss to my father's cold forehead, I spoke to him for the last time, “Goodbye father."

I like it ! Good job with the display of emotions. I was being a bit nitpicky, but other than that, this really was good. I hope this helped some
Ofir

Hey *Coco!
Wow I have to say I really loved the revamped version of the first chapter. Just the very beginning was gripping enough with the whole sensing your parents death part. Your wording and explanation there really made me feel for your character. Thumbs up!
I really don't have much to pick out at this point but this sentence:

“Princess,” said Lord Sébastian, also bowing, more solemnly

I think you should just omit the -,more- part of it and keep it as -," said Lord Sébastian, also bowing solemnly.
There's plenty of other ways but I mean, keeping it short and vague allows us readers to use our imagination to create a scene.
Okay, I'm not going to ramble on about random stuff right now. Anyway, you did great with this new version, I really liked it.

~Pink