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Return of the King (sort of)

Duskglimmer · 2005-03-15T17:07:26Z

My sister and I are really huge LOTR fans. We've seen the movies over and over and have read the trilogy several times through. The summer before Return of the King came out in Theaters, we got really impatient waiting for the film and decided to write a script of our own for it. It started out as a serious thing, but it soon just turned into a huge joke. We sent it out to a bunch of our friends and had them all rolling on the floor laughing and even considered filming it for a while (but that never worked out). I'm interested to see what you all think of this. Please note: I am not making fun of LOTR here. I love the stories to bits. I was just having a bit of fun. Second note: This is rather long Third note: Any similarities between the personalities of the characters in this script and the personalities of the characters in the books is purely accidental (and if you find any, I'll scream) So now, before you come after me with pitchforks for all these notes, I give you... THE RETURN OF THE KING (sort of): ROTK script (sort of) Part I Camera follows Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, the elf and the Rohan dudes, riding to Insengard. They enter the gates and are shocked to see two hobbitses, lying on the top of a pile of rubble, eating and sleeping. MERRY Welcome to Isengard, gents. I am Meriadoc, son of Saradoc, and this (elbows Pippin) is Peregrin son of Paladin of the house of Took. I am sure he would greet you if he hadn’t FALLEN ASLEEP! Saruman is busy talking to a Mr. Wormtongue or I’m sure he would welcome you himself. GANDALF Right, uh-huh, and I suppose he’s the one who told you to watch for us, right? MERRY Uh, no, not really. He was just a bit too busy to think of it. PIPPIN (opens eyes) Yeah, we take orders from Treebeard now. He told us to welcome the Lord of Rohan. GIMLI What about Legolas and me? We have been tracking you for two hundred leagues, and I was worn to the point of… ahem (looks at Aragorn and nods towards the elf) ARAGORN Oh right. (drags elf away) GIMLI To being tossed at Helm’s Deep!!!!!!!!!! (nods to Aragorn) ARAGORN (drags elf back) LEGOLAS (looks confused) GIMLI And here you are sitting comfortably, feasting and smoking. Smoking! Where in Middle-earth did you get the weed? LEGOLAS I’m confused. But ditto what Gimli said and where did you get the wine? PIPPIN You may have been tracking for a long time, but you haven’t gotten any smarter. Here we are, sitting at the sight of victory and you ask us about some well-deserved pipe-weed and wine!? MERRY (stares at Pippin) right, Pip. Anyway, Gandalf, Treebeard is waiting for you and the Rohan dudes over there (points vaguely upwards) GANDALF Well if he really wants to, sure why not. (leaves with Rohan dudes) PIPPIN (gets up) c’mon, follow me. (leads Aragorn, Gimli, and the elf to a hut) They talk. Merry and Pippin talk about the orcs. Aragorn, Gimli, and the elf talk about their search and the Rohan dudes. ARAGORN (stand up suddenly) I forgot something outside. (points vaguely upward and walks out) One hour later. LEGOLAS (still looking confused) Where’s Aragorn? Cut to Aragorn trying to stay on horse, riding to the Gray Havens. He arrives. Last elf (not Arwen) is filing on the boat. The boat is preparing to sail. ARAGORN (runs up to boat) Arwen, get thee off the boat! CELORIAN (standing next to Arwen) Do you know this guy, honey? ARWEN Um, yeah ARAGORN Arwen, get thee off the boat! ARWEN (coming to the rail) why should I? ARAGORN Because I (jumps in water) blub… blub blub CELORIAN What did he say? ARWEN I love you, I think, it’s kinda hard to tell. (so Arwen thought about it) uhhhhhhhhhhh, okay! (jumps over rail, rescues drowning fiancé and collapses on bank) you tried to give back the necklace, what’s up with that? ARAGORN Your father convinced me it would be better for you. ARWEN Really? He’s the one who told em to go to the Gray Havens. Do you think we should invite him to the wedding? Cut to Frodo and Sam playing Go Fish. SAM Mr. Frodo, where did we get this deck of cards? FRODO I dunno, Smeagol told me the stage crew sent it over. SAM Oh, got any threes? FRODO Here you go. Guess that means you won. Again. GOLLUM (crawls towards them) Up hobbitses. It’s time to go. FRODO Okay Smeagol. Sam, Frodo, and Gollum start off again and bump into the Nazgul as they cross a bridge. FRODO Uh, hi. We’re looking for Mt. Doom. Any idea how to get there? (clutches ring unconsciously) KING OF THE NAZGUL Oh, sure. Just take a left here, then you go up these stairs and through a tunnel. You’ll meet Shelob there and she’ll tell you where to go from there. SAM But how will we find this Shelob? KING OF THE NAZGUL (grins) Don’t worry, you can’t miss her. Sam Frodo, and Gollum leave and turn to the left. They find the stairs. Gollum disappears halfway up. SAM (grumbling) and he took the cards with him. They continue on without him. They find the tunnel. After a little while they come to a silver wall that looks to be made out of something like string. Eyes loom out of the dark towards them. FRODO (pulls out the vial that Galadriel gave him) The eyes disappear. FRODO Sam, see if you can cut through this stuff. SAM Yes Mr. Frodo. (pulls out his sword and swings as hard as he can, the sword bounces off and Sam falls down he tries again and falls down again) it ain’t no use Mr. Frodo. FRODO Here, let me try. (hands the vial to Sam then swings sting as hard as he can. Sting lodges in the threads. He tries to pull it free but it won’t come) Drat! (he pulls again and it comes loose, covered in thread. Rocks begin to fall from the ceiling) double drat! SAM Look, now there’s a way out! Shelob leaps out and chases Frodo out of the tunnel. She doesn’t see Sam. But Gollum does. GOLLUM (choking Sam) Nasssty fat hobbit. Nasssssty. SAM Geroff. That hurts you know! GOLLUM (lets go) Sorry, we didn’t mean to do it. Nice Smeagol always does what Master says, and we did, we did! Precious, we did! SAM Get out of here! I’ve got to go kill a giant spider. GOLLUM Fat hobbit says it has to go kill her, it’s wrong. She’ll kill him, and then we takes the Precious! And we bes the master! SAM Andy, I think your taking this Gollum thing a little too far. GOLLUM What’s Andy, precious? SAM (aims kick at Gollum) oh, go on, get out of here! GOLLUM (slinks off) SAM (resumes character and runs towards Frodo) SHELOB (bends over Frodo’s limp form, preparing to drag him away) SAM NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHELOB (looks up suddenly and sees Sam running towards her, brandishing his sword. She sits down heavily in surprise, landing on top of Sting) ccccccccccccccccccccccccccrcrrrrrccrcrcrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeceeeeeeeeeccccccccccccccccchhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhh! (drags herself back into her lair) SAM That was easy. (rushes to Frodo) Oh no, Mr. Frodo! FRODO (doesn’t move) SAM Guess there is only one thing to do. (takes ring and Sting and leaves) I hate to leave him so. Orcs run on. They run in circles a few times before one of them trips over Frodo. ORC 1 (screeches) Ooww! My poor toe! I’ve hurt my poor toe. ORC 2 Stop all that racket! ORC 3 (bends over Frodo) What is it? ORC 1 It’s a big strong elf warrior! (jumps into orc 3’s arms) ORC 3 (dumps orc1 on the ground) ORC 2 No, it’s not! Pick it up and let’s go. ORC 1 Pick it up? ORC 2 Yeah, it could be something important. They pick Frodo up and run off. Sam follows. Cut back to Isengard. MERRY (runs up to Gandalf who is standing with Gimli, the elf and the Rohan dudes. Pippin runs beside him) Gandalf! Gandalf! We found this giant marble in the hut! PIPPIN Gandalf! I looked in it! And it looked back! GANDALF What? Oh no! (grabs Pippin and the “marble”, jumps on Shadowfax and rides away) LEGOLAS (more confused than ever) What happened? That night: GIMLI (wakes up and stands. In monotone voice) must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. LEGOLAS (wakes and stands up. In monotone voice) must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. Must go to the paths of the dead. Both go to their horse and bump into each other. They fall to the ground and the trance is broken. LEGOLAS The weirdest thing just happened. I was going to go to the paths of the dead for some reason. GIMLI Me too. Still want to go? LEGOLAS (slightly confused) sure. They both get up off the ground and get on theier horse and ride off towards the paths of the dead. In the morning, Merry and the Rohan dudes go to Edoras. MERRY (steps towards Theoden) You know, it’s the strangest thing, but I feel like swearing allegiance to you. Do you mind? THEODEN Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead. MERRY (gets down on one knee) May I lay the sword of Meriadoc of the Shire on your lap, Theoden King? Receive my Service if you will! THEODEN I already said yes. MERRY (whispers) that’s not the line. THEODEN It’s not? Oh, oh! Of course! Gladly will I take it. Rise now Meriadoc, esquire of Rohan of the household of Meduseld! Take your sword and bear it unto good fortune. MERRY Good fortune? Obviously you haven’t read the rest of the script. THEODEN What was that? MERRY Nothing. (resumes character) As a father you shall be to me. THEODEN For a little while. MERRY What do you mean? THEODEN Well, see I just got word from my good friend Denethor that Minas Tirith is under attack. And I thought that my Rohan boys and me would go give him some aid. And it might be dangerous, you know Sauron is going all out on this attack, and I really don’t want you to get hurt so, I think you should stay here. MERRY Stay here? But you just made me an esquire to Rohan. I want to come too. THEODEN Sorry. You get to stay here and protect the …um… the horses. The next day Merry watched the Muster of Rohan riding out. MERRY Drat! Drat drat drat! I could help! Frodo and Sam get to go to Mt. Doom. Pippin gets to go with Gandalf. Aragorn and Gimli and Legolas get to do what ever it is that they’re doing and what do I get. I get to protect the horses. Whoop-dee-doo! Just then a random rider separated off from the others and rode towards Merry. RANDOM RIDER Where will wants not, a way opens, so we Rohan dudes say. And so I have found myself. You wish to go whither the Lord of the Mark goes: I hear it in your drats. MERRY Is it that obvious? RANDOM RIDER (nods) MERRY Oh, well, I do want to go. RANDOM RIDER Then you shall go with me. I will bear you before me, under my cloak until we are far afield. Such good will should not be denied. Say no more to any man, but come! MERRY Oh, great! Thank you sir… oh wait a sec. My Mother taught me never to go any where with strangers and I don’t know your name. RANDOM RIDER Do you not? Then call me Dernhelm. MERRY Dernhelm huh? RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM (nods) MERRY You look oddly familiar, are you sure your name is Dernhelm? You look kind of like— RANDOM RIDER WHOSE REAL NAME IS DERNHELM, OR IS IT? (grabs hobbit, covers his mouth and shoves him up on horse. Then mounts himself and rides after the other Rohan dudes who are now five miles ahead of them because Merry talked so much) Cuts to Gandalf and Pippin riding towards Minas Tirith on Shadowfax. PIPPIN Um, Gandalf. I think we should turn back. GANDALF No, we can’t. You don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. PIPPIN No, I think I do. And I think we should turn back. GANDALF See, when you looked into that “marble” which by the way is called a Palantir, you talked to Sauron. PIPPIN Oops. I did? GANDALF Yes. PIPPIN Well, I still think we should turn back. GANDALF No, we have to get you to PIPPIN Gandalf… GANDALF Minas Tirith, because there PIPPIN Gandalf… GANDALF You will be safe and then PIPPIN Gandalf… GANDALF WHAT!! PIPPIN I think we should turn back. GANDALF WHY!!?! PIPPIN I dropped the marble.. GANDALF What? PIPPIN Back there a ways… I dropped the marble. Gandalf turns Shadowfax around and speeds back to the “marble”. After paying their speeding ticket, they were back on their way. Now it took a little longer than it should have because Gandalf argued with the police officer that he was on a horse and not in a car so he shouldn’t get the ticket. But it didn’t work and Pippin told him to just pay the money, and grudgingly he did so. Soon they arrived at Minas Tirith. DENETHOR Hmm… what should I have for breakfast? I could have eggs. Okay. Now fried eggs? Deviled eggs? Boiled eggs? Poached eggs? Scrambled eggs? Burned eggs? So many choices, and all of them taste soooooo good. RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE Yo, yo, yo , Mr. Majesty. You know you got an old wizard dude hangin’ out at the door of your crib? DENETHOR Huh? RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE Old wizard dude, hanging out, do you know? DENETHOR (shakes head) no. RAPPER SERVANT STUCK IN THE WRONG AGE I’ll go get da man. DENETHOR (as the rapper servant stuck in the wrong age leaves) memo to me, memo to me, hire new staff at first opportunity. GANDALF (enters room with Pippin) Hail, Lord and Steward of Minas Tirith, Denethor son of Ecthelion! I am come with tidings in this dark hour. DENETHOR What is it with Wizards and using fancy words? Couldn’t you just say that you have news for me? GANDALF (stares blankly) well yes, but— DENETHOR Never mind, just tell me who you have brought with you. My servant told me that you brought someone with you who had seen my son die, or at least, I think that’s what he said. It’s so hard to understand these rapper servants who are stuck in the wrong age. Anyway, is this he? GANDALF Yes, one of the two. The is other is with Theoden of Rohan… I think. He might come later. They are both Halflings— PIPPIN (elbows Gandalf) hobbits. GANDALF Oh, yes, hobbits, where was I? Oh, yes. But he is not the one of whom the omens spoke. DENETHOR Oh, that’s nice. PIPPIN I’d like to swear service to you, if I might, Lord Denethor. Cause, you know, Boromir died saving me and my kinsman, Meriadoc, and I figure that this way I could repay my debt, maybe. DENETHOR Okay, repeat after me. Here do I swear fealty and service to Gondor, to speak and to be silent, to do and to let be, to come and to go, in need and in plenty, in peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour hence forth, until my lord release me, or death take me, or the world end. PIPPIN Here do I swear faulty service to Gondor, To be silent when I speak, To be and let it do, to come and to go, in need of plenty of peace or war, in living or dying, from this hour hence forth, until my lord releases me, or death take me, or the world end. Now just out of curiosity, would it count as the world ending, if Sauron took it over? DENETHOR No. PIPPIN Great. Cut to Legolas and Gimli as the approach the paths of the dead. They walk along quietly and then bump into Aragorn and Arwen. LEGOLAS (still still confused) what are you doing here? And Arwen? GIMLI And what exactly did you forget? ARAGORN Um… well, see… LEGOLAS (still still still confused) Is that a fish in your hair? ARAGORN Oh, (pulls the fish from his hair and drops it on the ground), I… um, jumped in the water. GIMLI Oooooohhhhhh, you said you forgot… and then you went after (points to Arwen)… and then you fell in the water LEGOLAS I’m confused… ARAGORN I went to get Arwen so she wouldn’t sail away forever and I jumped, I didn’t fall, in the water. Now she’s my fiancé and we came back here because there is an army of dead guys on the paths of the dead that could help people down in Gondor when Sauron attacks them and I’m the only one that can command them to come because I’m the heir of Isildur! Get it? LEGOLAS Yes, no, wait… I’m confused. GIMLI (who had now heard Legolas say this about a million times, smacked him over the head and shocked him into silence) ARAGORN Are you guys going in? GIMLI & LEGOLAS (nod) ARAGORN Then let’s go! (starts running as fast as he can, Arwen runs beside him. They run faster and faster and faster until…) POLICEMAN (drives up out of nowhere) I’m sorry sir, I’m going to have to give you both a ticket. ARAGORN What? POLICEMAN The speed limit was clearly stated at 4.5 miles per hour (points to a sign above the door to the paths of the dead) I clocked you two at 5 miles per hour. (begins to write out the ticket) LEGOLAS (looks VERY confused) ARAGORN But, officer, we’re on foot! POLICEMAN I’m sorry sir, the law is the law. (hands them ticket and drives off) Aragorn, Arwen, Gimli and the elf, WALK through the door.

Armadian

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Thu Jun 09, 2005 12:42 am

Armadian says... · Thu Jun 09, 2005 12:42 am

Yeah this is really good you should have the Fellowship of the Ring to?

How can you prove that we exist? Maybe we don't exist...

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forest_ofthe_nightingale

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Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:54 pm

forest_ofthe_nightingale says... · Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:54 pm

This is uber- long, but it's hillarious. Legolas was great (you are so mean to him

) and I loved the "rapper servant stuck in the wrong age". Great job!

Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake... unless it's to remind him that he won't fail... he just won't kill you.

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Duskglimmer

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Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:47 pm

Duskglimmer says... · Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:47 pm

lol. thanks for reading.

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.

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J. Haux

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Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:33 pm

J. Haux says... · Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:33 pm

You know what's funny? Some friends and I did exactly the same thing...most of it anyway. We did it with Harry Potter too, only it was a musical. :wink:

~Jacquie~

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Duskglimmer

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Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:51 pm

Duskglimmer says... · Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:51 pm

Are you serious?! that's funny!

I guess great minds think alike :wink:

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.

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J. Haux

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Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:11 am

J. Haux says... · Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:11 am

We even included a card game...Go Fish, I think.

I just made my first post today. I felt daring. :wink:

And hesitant, too. I haven't posted anything recent, or even a story. Hm...

~Jacquie~

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deleted6

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Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:30 am

deleted6 says... · Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:30 am

That was magic espectilly like the rapper sevrvant stuck in the wrong age, an when Sam started piling on stuff to Frodo, an the healer dudes *breaths*.

We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]

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Duskglimmer

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Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:55 pm

Duskglimmer says... · Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:55 pm

Thanks, Fontroy. I had alot of fun writing those pieces.

The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.

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