Romanticizing a Climax.

Waiting.

You breathe too hard and it feels like you swallowed ice.

Everything around you seems colder,

And everything that touches you scorches it's path on your skin.

Shake and shudder,

God I love it,

Touch carefully, we're all delicate.

I can taste the lust;

Falling on me like blood-warm rain.

There is no worry, no thought.

The moment comes, and eventually so do you,

Orgasms are funnier if they're subtle.

Don't shout, keep your mouth open in that silent yelp.

Release, release,

You feel spent, tired, weak, bruised,

You feel cold,

They feel scathingly warm,

Their tired heat warms you up.

Lift your head so they can look you in the eyes.

The lights might be off, but you know they're looking at you,

Look back, and smile, then do it all over again.

I really liked this, as I read it I had a very chilling feeling in my stomach. I'm not sure if there's such a word as "romanticizing," but as I'm writing this in a rush, I can't check.

Good work-keep writing!

Hi there, Era. I figured since you mentioned in chat last night that you posted something, I might just give it a look.

I can taste the lust;
Falling on me like blood-warm rain.

Okay, the punctuation in this piece throws me. Here for instance, the semi-colon would indicate that the next line should be a full sentence but it’s not and yet it ends in a period. The semi-colon would be better as a comma.
Throughout the poem, there are a lot of fragments that end in periods but could be given commas and then connect down with the next line. Still, in some places, the opposite stands true. I hope that makes sense.

Release, release,
You feel spent, tired, weak, bruised,
You feel cold,
They feel scathingly warm,

This is the only part of the poem that really drove me nuts because it’s not…poetic. I’ll be blunt. It feels very weak and forced. Of these fifteen words, ‘scathingly’ was the only one that struck me as particularly poetic. You’re dealing with a poem after all, not prose, which means that every word counts.


Still, I like the subject and the image you still manage to paint. Though you maybe should have given this some sort of rating but oh well. The ending caught me off guard more than anything else. Right off the bat, it felt like a poem with a common sort of setting but those last four lines made it seem far more interesting and modern. (Did any of that make sense?) What I’m saying is, I like the poem right now. But with some work, I could very well love it.

Good to see you, Era!
~lilymoore

I really like this poem. The format, the words, the topic...everything. Though, I have to agree with Skorpionne about the title Even if it isn't a word, keep it. It sounds cool

Your descriptions are amazing! Absolutely worth reading!
It feels melancholy-ish, but at the same time, it appears happy. In a way.

If you do edit this, I'd like to see the revised version

Lavvi