Lia

Okay, folks. This story thingy is something I decided to write. I know a little girl *named Lia* who is 5, deaf, and adopted. I wanted to know what it was like for her, and this is the best way for me to experience that. Sooooo... Here is her story, told by me.

Mommy comes into my room. She tells me that it is time for church, and she shows me the dress that I am going to wear. When I am dressed, she brushes my hair and puts a bow in it. A boy comes into the room. He starts talking to mommy, but not with his hands. I can't understand him. Mommy tells me to stay, and she follows the boy out the door. Two girls come into the room a little bit later. They look very different. One has slanted eyes and dark skin, like mine. The other has white skin and hair a really like yellow. I looks almost white. They are saying something, but I can't hear them. The older girl, the one with light skin, signs to me. She says it is time to eat. I follow them to the eating table. There is the boy that came in my room before, mommy, two other boys, the two girls, and daddy at the table. Today there is round circles to eat for breakfast. Daddy signs good-morning as I sit down. I sign it back, and one of the boys pours milk into my bowl. I start to play with my circles. I make a person. I start to make another, but daddy tells me it's time to go. I eat all my circles, then I go outside with the three boys. Mommy gets in the car, and I hear the door slam. I get in, and I hear, very faint, voices. I don't know what they are saying. Suddenly, the voices stop, even though mommy's lips are moving. It's not fair! Suddenly I am angry. Why can I only hear little bits at a time, for only a few seconds!? Why can't I understand what everyone else does!? By the time we get to church, I am calm. I get out of the car and follow mommy inside. A big girl comes up to me. She signs 'Hi, Lia!' and tries to hug me. I move away, and she follows me. I wish she would leave me alone. More people come up to me. They grin at me, then say something, something I don't understand. They don't understand me, and I can't hear them. Then they start grinning at me when they try to confuse me! This makes me even madder. I finally sit down. A nice lady starts to sing.If only I could hear what she was singing! Suddenly, it's like my wish is granted, I hear a beautiful sound, faint, but beautiful. I realize it is the lady who is singing. When I can't hear again, I play that beautiful voice over and over in my head. I get up to get a drink of water. The big girl gives it to me. I am sorry for being mad at her before.When I am done drinking, she tells me to use the flags. She takes me to them and hands me a oink one. I see the dark-skinned girl, and we start twirling. It is fun! When I stop, I see the big girl smiling at me. I have never seen her smile like this! I think she is sad most of the time. That makes me feel happy, and I start to twirl again. When I am tired, I lie down next to her. She smiles and puts a sheet over me. Soon, mommy tells me it is time to go to school. The teacher gathers all the kids but me into a corner of the table and starts talking to them. But she leaves me out. I feel sad, until the big girl pulls me into her lap. She keeps patting my head. Then she brings out paper and markers, and I color until it is time to go home.


Continued later. Note: The events are true, but I kinda made up her thoughts... Sooo, let me know how you like it!

I thought this was such a cool idea for you to try to understand what she was going through by pretending to be her. This was defiantly an out of the box idea and I loved the concept. Anyway the way you described the emotions seemed so real and realistic. It didn't feel like you were just guessing but that you had a true feel and empathy for the child that was beautiful! Keep writing because this was amazing. Oh before I forget, there was a couple of places were you wrote I where I think you meant to write "it."

This is a great idea. I'll give you a quick review, because there isn't all that much to say.

Don't sacrifice fluidity or interest for your narrator's voice. I think you capture her age very well, but sometimes there are just too many simple sentences and it's too repetitive. Obviously there's not going to be a huge amount of description, but I would have thought sight was even more important when you need to see, rather than hear, a person's words. There are some points, such as when she notes that the older girl is "sad most of the time", where you made the most of your voice without compromising the reader. The depth is usually there, but there are just some points when it slips away. I'm unsure as to how you're going to continue this; I think the style could get tiresome if there's too much.

As a general note, this shouldn't all just be one paragraph, even though it's a constant flow of thoughts. It's nigh impossible to read when it's all cramped together like that, which is unfortunate, because you definitely have something to say. There are a few grammar and punctuation issues, but they'll be much easier to spot and pick up on when you space this out.

As the above reviewer said, it's always good to see someone experimenting with new ideas in their writing. Thanks for the read.

- Jet.

Sarah- Thank you so much! I wrote this at 2 am, so yeah. There are bound to be mistakes. And cool name- Is it you real one? Nice to meet another Sarah!

Jet- Thank you so much to you, too!

Jetpack wrote:. There are some points, such as when she notes that the older girl is "sad most of the time", where you made the most of your voice without compromising the reader. The depth is usually there, but there are just some points when it slips away.

I'm not sure what you mean here. :/ Could you explain it a bit better, please? And I'm glad you liked it. I really felt as though I were her in writing this. And could you help me break it up a bit? I'm not so good at that

And, in case you didn't guess, the two girls and the three boys first mentioned are her siblings, whom she does not associate them as such. And the 'big girl' is, I confess, me.

And the 'big girl' is, I confess, me.

Ah! I knew it.

I'm not sure what you mean here. :/ Could you explain it a bit better, please? And I'm glad you liked it. I really felt as though I were her in writing this. And could you help me break it up a bit? I'm not so good at that.

Of course! Thanks for asking. I was trying to say that you are so into your five year old persona that occasionally, you lose your intelligence as a writer. You can't forget that you are a writer trying to say something to your readers. I picked out that phrase about the older girl being "sad most of the time" because it shows that depth; you've chosen that observation because you know that it will mean something more to your readers than it does to Lia. You should always be aware that you are intending to have an effect on your reader; this is not just a five year old rambling. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to change anything here, but simply a note you can take through with you in future pieces. Is that any better? If it's not, PM me and I'll see what I can do.

As for breaking it up, here you go. And don't worry about struggling with that. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses with their writing.

Mommy comes into my room. She tells me that it is time for church, and she shows me the dress that I am going to wear. When I am dressed, she brushes my hair and puts a bow in it. A boy comes into the room. He starts talking to mommy, but not with his hands. I can't understand him. Mommy tells me to stay, and she follows the boy out the door.

Two girls come into the room a little bit later. They look very different. One has slanted eyes and dark skin, like mine. The other has white skin and hair a really like yellow. I looks almost white. They are saying something, but I can't hear them. The older girl, the one with light skin, signs to me. She says it is time to eat.

I follow them to the eating table. There is the boy that came in my room before, mommy, two other boys, the two girls, and daddy at the table. Today there is round circles to eat for breakfast. Daddy signs good-morning as I sit down. I sign it back, and one of the boys pours milk into my bowl. I start to play with my circles. I make a person. I start to make another, but daddy tells me it's time to go. I eat all my circles, then I go outside with the three boys.

Mommy gets in the car, and I hear the door slam. I get in, and I hear, very faint, voices. I don't know what they are saying. Suddenly, the voices stop, even though mommy's lips are moving. It's not fair! Suddenly I am angry. Why can I only hear little bits at a time, for only a few seconds!? Why can't I understand what everyone else does!?

By the time we get to church, I am calm. I get out of the car and follow mommy inside. A big girl comes up to me. She signs 'Hi, Lia!' and tries to hug me. I move away, and she follows me. I wish she would leave me alone.

More people come up to me. They grin at me, then say something, something I don't understand. They don't understand me, and I can't hear them. Then they start grinning at me when they try to confuse me! This makes me even madder.

I finally sit down. A nice lady starts to sing.If only I could hear what she was singing! Suddenly, it's like my wish is granted, I hear a beautiful sound, faint, but beautiful. I realize it is the lady who is singing. When I can't hear again, I play that beautiful voice over and over in my head.

I get up to get a drink of water. The big girl gives it to me. I am sorry for being mad at her before.When I am done drinking, she tells me to use the flags. She takes me to them and hands me a oink one. I see the dark-skinned girl, and we start twirling. It is fun! When I stop, I see the big girl smiling at me. I have never seen her smile like this! I think she is sad most of the time. That makes me feel happy, and I start to twirl again.

When I am tired, I lie down next to her. She smiles and puts a sheet over me.

Soon, mommy tells me it is time to go to school. The teacher gathers all the kids but me into a corner of the table and starts talking to them. But she leaves me out. I feel sad, until the big girl pulls me into her lap. She keeps patting my head. Then she brings out paper and markers, and I color until it is time to go home.

As I went through again, I think the short sentences are even more noticeable. I'd recommend you read this aloud: partly for proof-reading, because there are a few grammar and spelling errors, and partly because you'll naturally pick up on the abundance of simple sentences. Thanks again for asking a question. So many people would just ignore that part of the review, instead.

- Jet.