In A Town...

In a town,
There is a steeple,
Above a church filled with people,
They sing a song to a god above,
Thinking that it's Him they love.

In a town,
There is a roof,
Above a house that's bulletproof,
There's a small boy listening to the sounds,
Searching for the love he's never found.

In a town,
There is a window,
Above a bed that squeeked below,
A teenage mother cradling her child,
A storm of worries she has compiled.

In a town,
There is a car,
Above a couples' shadow, far,
As they kiss so passionately,
Their bodies move too swiftly.

In a town,
There is a lake,
Above a dead man's corpse, awake,
First his body, then his head,
There's no doubt the old man's dead.

(Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it!!! Comments and likes would be appreciated! )

Very nice rhyming! It tells a great story and you've got a great rhythm going throughout the entire poem. The words you chose to rhyme were excellent and intertwined nicely in the fluency of the poem. It never broke rhythm, and keeps a good beat. Very well done!

JaneThermopolis wrote:In a town,
There is a steeple,
Above a church filled with people,
They sing a song to a god above,
Thinking that it's Him they love. I would take "that" out.

In a town,
There is a roof,
Above a house that's bulletproof,
There's a small boy listening to the sounds,
Searching for the love he's never found.

In a town,
There is a window,
Above a bed that squeeked below, Should be squeaked I would make it squeaks
A teenage mother cradling her child,
A storm of worries she has compiled.

In a town,
There is a car,
Above a couples' shadow, far,
As they kiss so passionately,
Their bodies move too swiftly.

In a town,
There is a lake,
Above a dead man's corpse, awake,
First his body, then his head,
There's no doubt the old man's dead. I don't get how this pertains to the rest of the poem. All the other stanzas build off each other....

Over all I agree with Jeanette.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

There isn't much to say, as it seems you're as good with poetry as you are with stories Also, Jeanette and Calligraphy have covered pretty much all of it.

You have great rhyming and you don't take the most obvious rhyming words, which is nice because it gives us variety and professionalism.

The only thing I have right to talk about is the rhythm of this verse:

JaneThermopolis wrote:In a town,
There is a car,
Above a couples' shadow, far,
As they kiss so passionately,
Their bodies move too swiftly.

The bolded lines seem too lose a bit of acquired rhythm of the poem and makes you stutter as you read. I don't know how you could fix it, but I'm mentioning it if you wish to go ahead and patch it up

Overall, great poem.

Lavvi

Hi Jane Thermopolis,

Stop repeating yourself. Yes, it's in a town, we get it. This constant churning of the same phrase over and over again makes it seem as though you thought "Hey, I should post a poem on this site" and then threw together random images, pretending it was art.

Come to think of it, almost every word in this piece sounds this way. Let's go on a tour:

JaneThermopolis wrote:In a town,
There is a steeple,
Above a church filled with people,
They sing a song to a god above,
Thinking that it's Him they love.

So do they love him or not? The ambiguity in that last above line doesn't advance the poem at all because it's never explained, or even hinted yet. Sure, you do talk about people loving one another and therefore your theme could be "Love each other, not an unknown God". However, if this is the case, the argument rests on bamboo sticks when it should be riding atop concrete. Loving God is not in opposition to loving one another, many will argue. And clearly you don't address this counter-theme, or really any counter-theme, demeaning your poem in the process.

In a town,
There is a roof,
Above a house that's bulletproof,
There's a small boy listening to the sounds,
Searching for the love he's never found.

House that's bulletproof? Either a military bunker suddenly appeared in our poetic landscape, or you are simply trying to find rhyming words. Either way, this is vague and isn't expanded upon later. So do so.

To what is he listening? The people in the church? Considering he's in his own house (or, by the description, a fortress) it doesn't look as though you put very much thought into your setting.

In a town,
There is a window,
Above a bed that squeeked below,
A teenage mother cradling her child,
A storm of worries she has compiled.

Stop rhyming; you obviously can't do it well. Compiled? Is this woman a computer or robot?

In a town,
There is a lake,
Above a dead man's corpse, awake,
First his body, then his head,
There's no doubt the old man's dead.

So you tell us that a dead man is awake, and then you repeat the fact that he's... dead.

Look, this poem makes no sense. The problem isn't just a feeling of "vagueness"; you seem to be actively flying in the face of human logic and reason to create the piece, and it doesn't live up to any standard.

Put this away and try again. Every poem must have a backbone, so consider a central storyline (ie not just some haphazard and contradictory images thrown together) and build your imagery and description around that.

Hope that helped,
Galerius