My Story of the hard times with my mom

The Hard Times
By: Desiree Rinehart

Chapter 1
My name is Desiree and since I was 12 I knew my mom had a sickness called pulmonary fibrosis, also known as PF. PF is a sickness in the lungs, which causes my mom to have pneumonia and go into the hospital a lot. When my mom was diagnosed with PF, she sent me to live with my dad for a year. But I was not there for just one year; instead I was there for five and a half years. In most cases, you hear of the daughter being the “daddy’s girl,” well I am a “mama’s girl.” My dad and I didn’t really get along, of course I never really saw my dad when I was growing up because my parents split up when I was four. So my mom has been a single parent since I was four. I don’t really remember much of my childhood, but I do remember some good times I had and also once on my first birthday, which was taped by my dad. That is one good memory I remember when my parents were together. But everything changed when I turned 12, my mom got diagnosed with PF, and the fact that she sent me to live with my dad.
When I first found out that my mom was sick I was upset and it’s really hard to deal with it. The doctors said she would be lucky to live up to 3 years. She has outlived the normal rate of death for this sickness. When my mom told me she was sick it scared my and I thought to myself, “will she live long enough to be able to see me graduate or get married?” How she told me was by letter because she didn’t want to scare me, but what she didn’t know is that even in the letter I still thought those things. I even thought “will she live long enough to see her grandkids from me?” Then I realized something, I wouldn’t know what to do with out her. She taught me right from wrong. When I lived with my dad and my mom would go to the hospital, I would get really upset. The reason I got so upset is because my brother’s didn’t call me right away when she went in. I went in and out psychiatric hospitals because of my depression of knowing that my mom is going to die and I just couldn’t face the truth of that. I couldn’t see me living without my mom. I knew that the day she would pass would be hard for me, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be when I’m still young. I’m not even old enough to drink and she is dying.
One thing that I am grateful for though is the fact that I got to go live with her before she passed, and that I got to do all the stuff with her that I couldn’t do with her when I lived with my dad. My mom and I go out to the library, get lunch, or dinner. We even went to go get groceries together. That is when she is feeling good though. On her bad days she will stay in her bed and sleep or if she isn’t having that bad of a day but still not feeling good she will be on her computer. My mom and I have a really good relationship, but of course we do still have our arguments but that is just normal things for a teenager and their parents. But we do rarely fight because we get along so well. I love my mom with all my heart and I knew that one day she would pass, but I was not expecting it to be this early in my life. I know it will be really hard for me and my brother’s when she does pass, but I think it will effect me the most because me and her are so close.

Hi,let me first say that I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I just had two nitpicks though. One is I think you put my in place were you meant to put me. Also you didn't indent any paragraphs. Anyway I will pray for you and your family and I wish you the best.

This is a very touching story. I bet you're mum is proud of your gifts as a writer. And I'm not just being nice because this is non-fiction.

My nitpicks are, that you need to put more paragraphs in. You're giving us all the information in hard-to-swallow blocks of text. You need to split it up. It will not only make it easier to read, it will give the words more meaning.

That's all I have to say, really. Some editing for punctuation is in order, and you could add a few more paragraphs to help with pacing, to slow it down. Keep writing!

~Durrs

This was kind of depressing...but in a good way. I liked this. I only saw a few errors which Durrie already got. The my for me and spacing your paragraphs out. Oh and indent your paragraphs. I know everyone has probably told you this but oh well, sorry about your mom.

- Justis

Keep your chin up!

Comments in red.

desireerinehart1992 wrote:The Hard Times
By: Desiree Rinehart

Chapter 1
My name is Desiree and since I was 12 I knew my mom had a sickness called pulmonary fibrosis, also known as PF. First sentence and I'm already bored. This isn't the way to present something with so much potential. I understand this isn't fiction, but I'm guessing non-fiction also has some sort of standard when it comes to things like this. This sentence lacks punctuation marks and seriously weakens the impact of the fact that your mom has PF. That's heartbreaking, but the way you tell us about it...:\ PF is a sickness in the lungs, which causes my mom to have pneumonia and go into the hospital a lot. When my mom was diagnosed with PF, she sent me to live with my dad for a year. Again, presentation weakens impact. You also might want more white space in this. But I was not there for just one year; instead I was there for five and a half years. In most cases, you hear of the daughter being the “daddy’s girl,” well I am a “mama’s girl.” I think it should be a period, not a comma. My dad and I didn’t really get along, of course I never really saw my dad when I was growing up because my parents split up when I was four. So my mom has been a single parent since I was four. I don’t really remember much of my childhood, but I do remember some good times I had and also once on my first birthday, which was taped by my dad. That is one good memory I remember when my parents were together. But everything changed when I turned 12 Actually, when I think about it, the logical thing to say would be that everything changed when you were 4, because then your parents split up. But then things did change when you were 12 so I'm just kind of confused. @@, my mom got diagnosed with PF, and the fact that she sent me to live with my dad.
When I first found out that my mom was sick I was upset and it was really hard to deal with it. The doctors said she would be lucky to live up to 3 years. She has outlived the normal rate of death for this sickness. When my mom told me she was sick it scared me and I thought to myself, “will she live long enough to be able to see me graduate or get married?” How she told me was by letter because she didn’t want to scare me, but what she didn’t know is that even in the letter I still thought those things. I even thought “will she live long enough to see her grandkids from me?” Then I realized something, I wouldn’t know what to do with out her. She taught me right from wrong. When I lived with my dad and my mom would go to the hospital, I would get really upset. The reason I got so upset is because my brothers didn’t call me right away when she went in. I went in and out psychiatric hospitals because of my depression of knowing that my mom is going to die and I just couldn’t face the truth of that. I couldn’t see me living without my mom. I knew that the day she would pass would be hard for me, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be when I’m still young. I’m not even old enough to drink and she is dying.

One thing that I am grateful for though is the fact that I got to go live with her before she passed, and that I got to do all the stuff with her that I couldn’t do with her when I lived with my dad. My mom and I go out to the library, get lunch, or dinner. We even went to go get groceries together. That is when she is feeling good though. On her bad days she will stay in her bed and sleep or if she isn’t having that bad of a day but still not feeling good she will be on her computer. My mom and I have a really good relationship, but of course we do still have our arguments but that is just normal things for a teenager and their parents. But we do rarely fight because we get along so well. I love my mom with all my heart and I knew that one day she would pass, but I was not expecting it to be this early in my life. I know it will be really hard for me and my brother’s when she does pass, but I think it will effect me the most because me and her are so close.

Final thoughts:

This is a very touching story. I wish I could say the same about the execution. The way this was presented murdered the story. It could have been a tearjerker, but it wasn't one. The emotion here was presented so blandly, despite the fact that it could be so much stronger. Try to slow the story down. Help us feel every emotional high and low. This piece will depend entirely on raw emotion to carry it, so you have to make the readers feel with you. I know we can't truly understand it, but at least share a little of it with us. And knowing how hard it is to accept that one of your loved ones has a disease (my grandma had cancer), a little bit will be more than enough to make your readers cry if you do it right.

Work on your punctuation. You lack them every now and then. You also tend to write run-ons, so be careful about them.

Anyway, this is purely my opinion. I'm not so good at nonfiction, so don't take it as anything definitive. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara