Innocence is a Daisybed

Hello innocence, we haven't talked in years.

I think we parted by the swing sets,
after you weaved yourself through the axons
of our fingertips when they lipped in brazen hurry.
We would watch those swings rust away from our daisybeds,
spoon petal canopies with a central starburst shining
like the stars we would lay under until they fell.

Maybe it's what bloomed into hunger
to poke more holes in the sky
(parasitic gaps)
like the ones in my head,
and the daisies become roses (or bluebells?).
Time is a tiring thing, until you dodder and
reminisce what it was like in those daisybeds, not under.

--

Experimenting with exposition and interweaving my imagery. This can either be bad or terrible, lemme know. The title sucks, I'm lazy.

Hiya Kamas! Reviewer here, as requested!

Well. I don't really have anything to say about it, except for the fact that it was pretty confusing. The first part wasn't but when we moved downward: Whaa?

What did you mean in this poem? Was it a hidden message, or just random words that are pretty? :3 Just wondering.

I did like it though. the sense of mysteriousness was pretty intense...Keep on!





~Star

Hi Kamas!!

Well honestly I was really confused by this. I think you're talking about how you've parted from innocence. The poem recalls moments you spent with innocence, like by the swing set.

We would watch those swings rust away from our daisybeds,
spoon petal canopies with a central starburst shining
like the stars we would lay under until they fell.

Lines like this confused me. You were talking TO innocence, so did you mean that you and your innocence watched swings rust away from your daisybeds together? How could innocence watch itself rust away? It felt like the swings were symbolic for innocence or something. Maybe I just got confused.

Maybe it's what bloomed into hunger

What are you referring to by "it's"?

to poke more holes in the sky
(parasitic gaps)
like the ones in my head,
and the daisies become roses (or bluebells?).

Instead of putting "parasitic gaps" in parenthesis, you could make the line be

To poke parasitic gaps in the sky

Also, I don't know what you meant by putting "bluebells" in parenthesis, either. I didn't understand the significant difference between roses and bluebells.

Time is a tiring thing, until you dodder and
reminisce what it was like in those daisybeds, not under.

These last two lines sounded very nice! I really liked them, even though i still don't quite know what it means xD.

So my best advice is to make your main point more clear. Your descriptions are very beautiful; the only trouble I had was understanding what you meant by them.

Hope I helped! See ya around!

I certainly appreciate that you are aiming for greater overall coherency in this poem in terms of interweaving your ideas. I must say, you have not let your images run away as much in this one as usual! And I, for one, think it is delightfully (but not too obviously) clear what you mean.

But first, a note on titles. I do not usually comment on this, but I know you can do better than simply spelling out the metaphor in the title. Totally kills the subtlety. I would guess that you haven't had the time nor the mental energy to come up with something better...but you certainly need to. Just saying.

I find it interesting how you personify innocence. As if you were once separate entities that used to 'talk' and now do not; as if you are suddenly and marvelously meeting innocence at your doorstep for the first time, like a long-lost friend that now lives abroad. At once, it seems witty and sarcastic, but also retains some element of poeticism in its meaning. It takes one quick stop away from the poem to figure it out, but once I do, it's lovely. So - yes, it breaks the flow; but I rather like that. It's sudden, that first line; it's intimate, arresting.

I think we parted by the swing sets,
after you weaved yourself through the axons
of our fingertips when they lipped in brazen hurry.

Now, even when I read this the first time, I didn't like it. That is, I didn't like the idea much here, the content. Why are you describing how they parted this quickly? Sure, you need to describe it somewhere; I just think it's too soon to do so. And 'swing sets' ---meh. Too obvious a symbol for childhood. Pick something more unique, something that it takes a little more mental effort to associate with childhood. Oh, and, as much as I jumped at the mention of axons (SCIPOETRY!), I don't think scientific language belongs here. Doesn't tie in with any kind of other image you've established.

We would watch those swings rust away from our daisybeds,
spoon petal canopies with a central starburst shining
like the stars we would lay under until they fell.

This retains just the right degree of abstraction and directness to make it appealing. The narrator and Innocence are daisies (or the daisybed), correct? The second line in this - it doesn't matter much to me that on first read it makes no sense. It sounds perfect; it sounds like you clearly know what you're on about, so as the reader, I don't lose faith in your ability. And on a closer read, yes, I do understand you are describing daisies. Last line was wondrous.

Just a quick note here: this is a short poem. It's best if you do not cram it with too many small images, and you know this. So, what have we got so far? Innocence, swings, axons (should be removed), daisies, stars --- five small images is quite a lot for the space of seven lines! They work here better because they all link in to 'Innocence' in some way, but still, I feel they could be tighter, sharper. Link them in with each other, more. For example, swings are totally not mentioned in this stanza about daisies and stars. I think they should be, in perhaps an indirect way. String it all up.

Maybe it's what bloomed into hunger
to poke more holes in the sky
(parasitic gaps)
like the ones in my head,
and the daisies become roses (or bluebells?).
Time is a tiring thing, until you dodder and
reminisce what it was like in those daisybeds, not under.

Now, this is why swings do not belong. Here, you've done a great job of tying flowers and stars (and innocence) together. Nowhere do I see any room for swings to come in. Nix them.

'Bloom' juxtaposed with 'holes in the sky (parasitic gaps)' and 'daisies...roses (...bluebells...)' --- this is what I call weaving. Thematically, it works, too. The daisybed represents innocence, the feeling of being locked in one's own little world. But this hunger...this is the desire to see something more, to rip away the stars and the sky (parasitic gaps) and discover things that weren't there, this is loss of innocence, yes? Actually, this reminds me a lot of Peter Pan, with all its 'never growing up' - roses signify deeper feeling while the holes in the sky / head signifies greater intellectual understanding, both of which accompany loss of innocence. Gotta say, Kamas, this is brilliantly done.

Last two lines - aesthetically, they're just alright, but thematically, well, they make me think. And that's good - you want the reader thinking about what you've said long after you've written something. So, the narrator reminisces about childhood, innocence. Why under, though? What lies beneath innocence? Unless you mean that literally - as in 'beneath the ground' = when someone is buried and dead (i.e., they're thinking about old age) - but why would they reminisce about old age? Surely one can never be so old so as to actually reminisce about the state they are currently in?

But. This was a great read. Good to see your poetry develop like this! PM me any questions .

All very sad. And a bit of uncaring musing.

Hmm, sad feeling, it was good.

Really the imagery and the word usage had me going back and reading it acoupld of times over to get a better hold on it, and I'm glad I did, or else the effectiveness of it probably would have been lost.

I'm not good with flowers so I diddnt get the bluebells thinger.

Anyways, great piece.