The World Through Different Eyes

Hey guys! Something I threw together! Hope you like it! [;


If you ever got a chance to see
the world through different eyes,
I'd take the chance if I were you
before it passes by.

You'd see the way the people live
who've been cast out on the street,
how they feel, and how they think
with little or nothing to eat.

You'd see the war, the rage and bombs
the children running in fear,
the fathers fearing for their wives
the meaning of their tears.

You'd see the hurt of losing him
the joy of knowing she's alive,
and you'd have your chance to see the world
from completely different eyes.

~Scarlett

Hello Scarlett!

I really enjoyed this, it was truly a great idea and it was really well executed.
Just a couple of things I noticed:

If you ever got a chance to see
the world through different eyes,
I'd take the chance if I were you
before it passes you by.

The last line has one extra syllable which interrupts the flow of the poem. If you took out the you, it will still make sense and it will flow better and the rhythm will be improved

how they feel, and how they think
with little to nothing to eat.

I assume you meant 'or' here instead of 'to.'

Other than this though I love it! I love the subject, it's really creative spin on the common topics of homelessness, love and war. But what I love most is the rhyme scheme. It holds it all together and it doesn't seem forced at all, it is really natural, so well done!

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Hi Rasberrypancakes. I just wanna say that I really like your poem. Well Lydia pointed out things already so I don't have very much to say. It's really truthful. Keep writing!

Hello there!
I really enjoyed your poem. It has a nice flow to it and everything else seems to be pointed out already. One thing I do want to say is that this poem reminds me of a poem I wrote long ago that had a similar theme as yours; just a random comment(:

Keep writing, and I hope to be reading more from you(:

Hello there! So I'm finally here for your review, like you requested. Sorry it took a bit!

First I'd like to say that I really love the meaning behind your poem. It's something I can really get behind because I completely agree with you. So you've got a great start because you have a great theme and purpose to this poem. But, you didn't do what you said!

If you ever got a chance to see
the world through different eyes,
I'd take the chance if I were you
before it passes by.

You tell the reader to see the world through different eyes. My question to you is, why not skip that, and just show them?

As it is, your poem only tells things. It tells us about the poor people, about the war, the sadness. But you don't show any of it, and just like in fiction, showing is more powerful then telling in most cases. Why not create a character, someone who lives that poor life, or a life in the war? You could show the reader their life, describe how they live. Use vivid imagery, symbolism, metaphors, etc other poetic devices to paint a picture of how they live, instead of just telling us. Trust me, giving a hard, specific example like an actual person will create emotion 10 times better than telling about it ever will. You need to bring poetic power into this poem, which is a hard skill to learn at first.

My best advice for you other than to edit this poem would be to go look through the Poetry Section of the Knowledge Base. There are so many good articles that'll help you on your way to mastering poetry. If you have any questions about this review just shoot me a PM.