Fake Date (2) part 1

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Chapter 2
Most summer days I love to dress in sweats and relax. But today was a different story-it was July’s birthday. That’s why her parents named her July because her birthday was in July! It’s crazy, yes, but her parents are a bit crazy.
I walk into my bright yellow kitchen spotting my mom making some apple pancakes. You can smell them through the whole flat. The light wooden counters were covered with something such as: bowls, utensils, ingredients, ect. My mom was very busy today.

The air was blowing into the house from the window and the black curtains were getting pulled by the air.

“Yum,” I say.
“Thank you sweetie,” my mom says. Today she’s wearing her favorite fruit covered apron which compliments her brown eyes and black hair. I’m small like her.
“Do you need help?” I sit down on the Victorian dining chair.
“No, it’s fine,”

My mom is the nicest person I know. She is a bit naïve but that doesn’t make her stupid. Mom is one of those kinds of people that get friends easily by just showing her smile and saying “hi,” I don’t think that she has even one evil bone in her body. She has a great sense of humor and loves all animals. My mom loves to decorate and cook. She’s always wanted to open some sort of store/café. She will get a chance to-I hope so. You can make my mom sad easily because she isn’t that strong mentally but I’m helping her out with that.

I put two pancakes on my plate and drown them in maple syrup.
They taste amazing! They always do-you can taste the apple and cinnamon strongly. The maple syrup makes them taste much sweeter.

“These are delicious mom!”
“That’s good,” she puts some on her plate and starts eating with me.

My dad is at work. He loves his job. It’s his dream job! He’s barely home though because his job makes him travel all over the world-from Germany to Britain and even more places. Of course he enjoys it but he does miss sitting at home with us. My dad is a very strong person-mentally and physically. He loves to hang out with us and his friends. He can get a little too carried away or even too aggressive though so that’s when we have to watch out. Dad has bad tempers so I try to not get him mad. I’m strong like him but mentally only.
***
I’m playing my guitar in my room (I just started learning)- my door opens and I see my older brother, Chris, with my puppy behind him, Sophie.

Chris is a shy guy. He had anxiety when he was younger. He didn’t talk to anyone at school from kindergarten to eighth grade. The only time he talked at school was to the teachers but no one else-not even me. He only talked to family. Chris broke out of it later and started to talk to kids. It’s nice that he did that. He is very naïve-even more naïve than my mom which isn’t so good- he doesn't understand some situations and gets into a nervous breakdown. He loves to hang out with his friends and family-but he does like having a lot of private time. My brother is passionate about planes, he wants to fly one when he grows up. He is tall like my uncle.
“Hey,” he says and sits on my white daybed.

My puppy Sophie is a Maltese. She has an attitude and loves show it. I think she’s just four years old. Sophie gets jealous easily so I try not to play with other dogs unless she knows them. She has many nicknames because she’s just so different than any other dog. My pup doesn’t eat a lot but she eats and that’s the good part. One day I noticed that she has the most amazing chocolate brown eyes I've ever seen.

“What’s up?” I ask setting down my guitar and look at him.

He has the same blond hair as me but he has green to gray eyes. Chris has acne also but I don’t. When we were kids people thought we were twins! It was crazy so we called each other fraternal twins-even though we really weren’t twins.

“Just came by, there’s a party at Josh’s house-you wanna come with June?”
Josh is Chris’s best friend since kindergarten. He has bleached blond hair and blue eyes. Any girl would fall for him but obviously me.
“June,” I question.
“Sorry-July,” he always makes fun of her name.

He gets up and picks up my miniature blue basketball and throws it into the hoop that is above my bed. It makes a whoosh sound when it falls in.

“Nice one,” I comment the basket.
“So are you coming?” he shoots again and makes it.
“Sure, I’ll just ask June,” I make fun of how he says June.
“Ha-ha,” he leaves my room and I call July.
***
Last edited by Nike on Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:09 am, edited 5 times in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hello Nike!
I know this is part of a series, so I don't expect to understand much about the characters and what they are about because I did not read your first chapter. With that being said, I would only like to touch upon the grammar mistakes rather than critiquing the story itself since I do not know much about it.
He’s barley home though because his job makes him travel all over the world-from Germany to Britain and even more places

*barely
The air was blowing into the house from the window, making it hard for the flour to not pale(?) the whole kitchen.

I’m playing my guitar in my room (I just started learning). My door opens and I see my older brother, Chris, with my puppy behind him, Sophie.

The first sentence here sounds awkward and isn't in the correct tense.
I noticed one day that she has chocolate brown eyes and that’s so cool-to me at least.

I think you should scrap this whole sentence and say something along the effect of how you loved her chocolate brown eyes. Saying it like you did just doesn't flow.

There are other mistakes, but these are just a few. Try proofreading to catch others, they are quite obvious! If you try reading this outloud, I'm sure you'll find all the mistakes.

PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Hello Nike! :D

I'm here to review your story again! I'll nitpick for a bit first, then I'll talk about the story. Amendments are in blue, and sorry if I seem too harsh! :?

She has a great humor and loves all animals-like me actually, we are a lot alike.

Firstly, one can only have a great sense of humour! Also, this sentence sounds a bit awkward, mainly because you mentioned that Lily really looks like her mom twice in the same sentence! Try rewriting it.

Dad has tempers so I try to not get him mad.

What kind of temper does he have? A bad one?

He had anxiety when he was younger.

I'm confused --- was he really anxious when he was younger? Or did he had autism or something along that line?

He is very naïve-even more naïve than my mom which isn’t so good.

My brother is passionate about planes, he wants to fly one when he grows up, which is very good.

Why is it good? Why it isn't good? Try expanding these sentences by writing why you think it is good for him.

Any girl would fall for him but obviously me.

I know what you're trying to say here, but it's not clear. Did you mean that Lily would obviously fall for him just like any other girl or something else?

“Nice one,” I comment the basket.

Did Lily comment on the shot her brother just made? Or did she said that the basket was a good one?

Now, about your story! The whole plot is pretty good, but there is just one minor problem: it's Lily's best friend's birthday, right? If I remember correctly, Lily has been friends with July since the first day of middle school --- so they would mean a lot to each other, right? Then why didn't Lily do anything with her? Why did she decide to ask her best friend if they could go to another guy's party on her best friend's birthday?

This is where it doesn't make sense to me. If you could make this clearer --- why didn't they celebrate July's birthday instead? --- the story would be much better. Also, like sodapoplunchbox said, try proofreading. There are quite a few of mistakes in this story.

But anyway, I am anticipating the next chapter! Keep writing! :D

-Rosie =]
you'll never find another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
ocean lapping voice, smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
and you're all alone again tonight; not again, not again, not again.
and don't it feel alright, and don't it feel so nice? lovely.





I know where the wall goes.
— Creed, the Office