The Darkness on my shore.

See the world that defies the light.
Recluse, renounce what we call the core!
Sing and laugh seeing this world of lore,
that which heretics crave and sinners tore.
Join my realm, take your invite,
witness my hell behind the door.

Darkened skies stalk my soul.
Not simple rain, but burning cold.
Sands tear at my toes on the midnight shore,
as I gaze into the murky more.
Why!? Crude death has taken its toll.
It was once my home,
now just a hole for my soul.

My pet, my golden hound.
He roams the beach, chasing fowl.
Such a sight I enjoyed, I'm told,
but all I remember is the liquid coal.
Hak, hak...this cry, a whimper.
No, not my dog of gold!
Curse you, curse this blackened hole!
The black took him... took him!
My little golden soul.


This is the first part of a poem that I'm writing about something that I feel strongly about. I didn't want to continue it, but I'll finish it later when I have some time. I'd like to get some thoughts on it so far.

i like it, it creates an image in my mind, but i think you could describe the scenery a bit more, i mean i know that its not a story but the image i get is half formed. other than that its really good, it has potential.

Soap

This is a good poem, but considering how you posted that it’s something you feel strongly about, I guess that you would want some constructive critiquing. If you don't, then I apologise if you find this review a bit too critical.

This reminds me of the Amber Spyglass, where the Daemons are left on the shore in the World of the Dead. But hey, I guess it could also refer to the underworld – to the River Styx and the boatman.

See the world that defies the light.
Recluse, renounce what we call the core!
Sing and laugh seeing this world of lore,
that which heretics crave and sinners tore.
Join my realm, take your invite,
witness my hell behind the door

I’m not sure about this beginning. I like the use of the word ‘recluse’ but I fear that it’s unsuitable in the sense that it diverts the focus of the poem. Why is there a recluse and why a recluse of all people? I’m assuming that there is a religion undertone and maybe the recluse is like the Romantic’s idea of the hermit, living free from the restrictions of society.

‘Sing and laugh, seeing this world of lore,’ - Comma perhaps…I’m not liking the repeated use of ‘See’. Use a different verb here, maybe ‘witness’ or ‘perceive’.

‘sinners tore’ - Do you mean ‘tour’?

‘Join my realm, take your invite’ - I guess that this is phrased this way to suit the rhyme, but I think that it’ll make better sense if you switched the clauses –‘Take your invite and join my realm’ that flows better, methinks. Of course, the rhyme is important…but you are only rhyming with the first line. It’s only a small alteration, after all.

Darkened skies stalk my soul.
Not simple rain, but burning cold.
Sands tear at my toes on the midnight shore,
as I gaze into the murky more.
Why!? Crude death has taken its toll.
It was once my home,
now just a hole for my soul.

I think a few additions won’t go amiss here. The half-rhyme at the first and second lines is ok. Is that supposed to be ‘Murky Moor’?

Er…technically speaking, ‘?!’ isn’t correct. Use one or the other – preferably ‘?’.

‘Crude death has taken its toll’ – great line! This is my favourite line.

‘Now just a hole for my soul’ – fair enough…but maybe use a different word, other that soul, I mean. You’ve already used it. Toy with some vocab and make the poem more concise. There is so much potential here.

My pet, my golden hound.
He roams the beach, chasing fowl.
Such a sight I enjoyed, I'm told,
but all I remember is the liquid coal.
Hak, hak...this cry, a whimper.
No, not my dog of gold!
Curse you, curse this blackened hole!
The black took him... took him!
My little golden soul.

This stanza is very different to the others and I like that… it makes it uncertain and confuses the reader. It makes us want to understand the meaning more…so we plunge deeper. A great modernist technique

‘Chasing fowl’…this is the underworld, right? Is there fowl there?
Try to think of a different adjective other than Gold. Maybe ‘gilded’, ‘burning’, ‘bright’…just throw in some clever metaphors. I know you can find them.

Overall, I’m certain that this poem has potential. I think that you should look back at the rhyming scheme and work out if you need it or not, because I think that this poem will be alright as a bit of free verse. With a bit of re-wording, this poem can be a lot better. On a positive side, you are certainly concise and display a clear sense of narration. I would like to see the rest of this poem up here at some point.

Good job

-TJ-