Letters (Part One)

Here's a rough story I started, I'm new at the reviewing thing, so feel free to critique all you want.....


I knew the moment he walked through the library door, where he would sit, and what he would do. A tall rouge boy with a base ball cap on only to hold down his wild red hair passed right by my table and sat down across the room. As I held onto my book I'd read a million times, I shifted my eyes with out turning my head. There he was, pulling out a notebook and scribbling across the page, line by line, with a look of concentration I'd seen many times.
When the door would squeak, marking someone's entrance, he'd look up nervously and cover the page with his arm, as if expecting a flaming monster come to burn them away. I'd been staring at him for longer than I expected because suddenly his head lifted and his eyes pierced deep into mine. It was my turn to feel nervous, shift in my seat after I wrenched my gaze from his.
I was just thinking of the intensity of the look, when the door banged open and in tromped a couple of the most obnoxious guys in the whole school. I guess it was in both our natures to bolt at their appearance, because as I was grabbing my stuff to leave, Evan shoved his things back in his bag, not noticing that his notebook fell to the floor with out a sound. He was out the side door before I could stand, and in the second it took to zip up my bag, the group of guys plopped down right at my table.
Their eyes raked up and down my figure while their eyebrows lifted slightly. The one closest to me, with his pants sagging and ears pierced let his bloodshot eyes linger a little too long, sending shivers down my back.
"Lookin good Joanna, what you doing this weekend?" Ricky Jordan, the schools biggest perv, turned and laughed to the guy beside him as I gave him a look and walked over to the table Evan had just left.
As I bent over to grab the notebook and shove it under my arm, I regretted wearing just a t-shirt and jeans with no sweater to hide behind. Ricky and the other slobs burst into laughter as I walked out the door, eyes forward.
I told my legs not to stop until I was safe in the parking lot in my car, doors locked. My mind was rushing as I held the blue tattered notebook that belonged to a boy I'd only glanced at every day in the library. Finally my curiosity won out and I slowly opened the cover. I don't know what I was expecting, an attempt at an essay, some stupid lyrics of a lame garage band, but what I read blew me away.

To be the one

To hear your voice say my name
-if only once or twice
To see your shining smile flash
-even if it’s not at me
To smell your sweet smell in the breeze
-if only for a moment
To be the one you wait for
-when she steps out the door
To tell a joke and glory in your praise
-on day but not the next
I’d do anything to be the one you love
To be the one for you
To be with you forever.


Off to the side of the poem, written in perfect hand, was the name Joanna Lewis.

Hey Butterfinger!

I have to admit--I really, really love cute high school romances. Perfect summer reading. I hope you continue with this!

1. CONVENTION

I'm not sure where the old-school teen romance trope "seeing a stranger in the hallway and falling in love" comes from. I go to a school of about 2,000 people and I'm pretty sure I could pick out the majority of them in a crowd, if not tell you their names. Sure, there are mega high schools, but for the most part, if you go to school every day like you're supposed to, you know everyone there is to know. Seeing someone totally new doesn't happen unless it's the first day of school.

That's why I think it's important you shift the romantic catalyst--she's seen this boy before, but she notices something different about him. Something she never took the time to see. And it completely blows her away--mostly because she has no idea what she's been missing. This is present in your story, but it doesn't seem as important because you don't detail the evolution of her interest in this boy. What was the turning point? What does she notice, other than he's got red hair? You could still have the shock factor of that "omg he's hot" moment, but you've changed it around a little to be more realistic--and more original.

2. BOYS WILL BE BOYS

It could just be that my boyfriend and other male acquaintances are pathetically cisgendered, but I've never figured out the male equivalent of the "my name + boy's name 4ever" heart doodle. I think the reality check moment for most chick-lit romances is that the guys' obsessions with __ ___ girl are desexualized, to make them not so aggressive and scary. Fluffy, you might say. The fix to this problem in your story is to simply change the plot device that you use at the end of your story. Not only will it make the "song for my love" twist more realistic, it will also make the story more enjoyable.

Forget the name. In fact, erase it--literally. Perhaps the guy wrote, "A song for Joanna", but then erased the name out of paranoia. That leaves the subject of the song a mystery, leaving you open to explore all sorts of fun emotions with your main character---paranoia that it's not her, perhaps, or jealousy for the secret girlfriend he must have. Just get rid of the name, and you're golden, if not playing into every boy-with-guitar awesome fantasy ever.

Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to review anything else.

Hello there!

So....uuhmm....I am pretty sure that Rosalie said basically all there is to say. haha
The story was an adorable read. I love these kinds of stories that make me go, "awww." Although, I'm not sure if it's quite awww worthy. I think that possibly allow your MC to think either nothing at all of this boy or make her think he is everything, even before he picks up the notebook. It needs a definite pr-decided attitude towards the boy. That way, she can change her mind about him or just fall even more in love.

I was just thinking of the intensity of the look, when the door banged open and in tromped a couple of the most obnoxious guys in the whole school

This almost sounds like something two girls would say when they were gossiping to each other in class or something. It doesn't really fit. I would try using something more descriptive.

I can't wait to read more! Please PM if you continue you to work on this story!