Strength

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A/N: This was done in response to a prompt (the word 'strength', here, a lack of). I'm not sure if I'll continue it or not, but I wanted to try writing in present tense, since I've never done that before. I realize this is cheesy and predictable. WARNING: Some implied boy-love.


Joshua crosses the room, swirls of dust tracing his ankles from underneath the ancient floorboards. He pauses, looking around. The odor of mold and dust and dead things is almost intolerable. He wonders mutely when the last time something human lived in this house. The ugly gray wallpaper hangs off the wall in droves, exposing the pockmarked wood underneath. He walks over to the old fireplace, thickly covered in dust and smelling by far the most foul. A picture frame lies face down on the mantelpiece. He picks it up, and sets it down straight. Joshua examines it for a few moments. It’s black and white and very old. It shows a girl, a few years older than him, sitting in a chair, wearing an obscenely somber dress and staring expressionlessly at the camera through deep-sunken eyes. It looks like a portrait of someone’s great-grandmother. Joshua supposes she is pretty, but he’s not really sure, having never had an eye for that sort of thing. A floorboard creaks, and with a sudden shock, he remembers what he came for and steps away from the fireplace.

And there, right there in the middle of the sun-spotted room, huddled in the shadows, it’s there, watching him, snarling. He starts. The thing looks drunk almost, holding itself up with one shaking hand while the rest of its body slumps against the wall, threatening to fall down.

“Would you mind explaining to me,” It says in a carefully calculated calm tone, “who the hell you are, and why you’re in my house?”

He opens his mouth, tries to talk, but nothing comes out. He swallows. Despite what he told himself a thousand times in front of the bathroom mirror before he left the house that morning, he’s faltering. He didn’t expect it to find him. Or for it to be awake, for that matter.

Or the fact that it is much, much, better-looking than his uncle warned him. Not at all like the blood-thirsty, nightmarish creature he had been told about. Though the suit it is wearing looks miskept and sports a copious amount of tears, it still manages to highlight the rather languidly handsome body underneath. And the pale, haughty face reflects an aristocratic refinery. That sort of thing, Joshua had more of an eye for.

“Hello? Kid!” It shouts. Through his fear, a small tinge of indignation creeps in. Kid? He is nearly sixteen, after all. “I asked you,” it whispers in a dangerous voice, taking a step forward, “who-” It looks at the fireplace, sees the moved portrait. Its silver eyes narrow to slits. “You have a death wish?” Its voice is dangerous. “Tell me who the hell you are, before I come over there, and force you!” It threatens, but doesn’t move. There is a patch of sunlight directly in front of it. It can’t move forward.

Courage pumps again through Joshua’s blood. He clenches his fist. “I-I’m here to kill you!” He announces, holding up his stake.

It rolls its eyes. “Jesus Christ,” It sighs, turning and leaning its back against the wall, staring exasperatedly at the ceiling. It runs a hand over its face, groaning. Joshua stomps his foot. It looks at him through long fingers, annoyed.

“Don’t u-underestimate me!” He cries. He feels his strength flooding back into him. He can handle this, he can handle this.

It doesn’t look convinced. “Look, Buffy, you’ve caught me in a good mood, so if you just leave now, nothing bad is going to happen to you.”

Joshua smirks, “You should be more worried about yourself.”

“Scary. Did you get that out of a movie?” It straightens up, a little wobbly on its feet. It looks straight at Joshua with intense eyes, “I’ll bet you,” It points with a shaking finger, “are on your first mission. Ha-ha.”

“No! I’ve killed loads of your kind before.”

“Liar. This may have escaped your oh-so-vast attention, but I’ve been around a while. And, as it happens, I’ve killed loads of your type before. So this is the last time I’ll say it: leave,” It whispers, putting extra emphasis on each syllable.

Joshua breathes slowly, letting the air gather in his lungs. He focuses his eyes, and grips the stake so tight it hurts his fist. On the third inhale, he lunges at it. Running across the floor, the dust flying, breathing hard. And it stares back at him with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. It doesn’t even move. You can’t get away, Thinks Joshua, and I’ve got you. He raises his arm to strike. He slashes through the air. Its disappeared. “What?” He says aloud.

Something cold stretches across his neck. He yells, and tries to move, but his arms are held back. It stands behind him, smirking, effortlessly bounding him back, its face hovering just above his neck. “I told you…to leave,” It says. With each word, a puff of chilly breath caresses Joshua’s skin. He shudders.

“L-let me go!” He struggles against its grip, strength once again fading fast. It laughs.

“Don’t think so. Now, let’s see…” It pauses, pulling Joshua closer. Its body is cold, lifeless, but nonetheless an embarrassed flush spreads across his face. “I could kill you, but that’s not much fun, right? Maybe I’ll just eat you instead. I am hungry,” Joshua trembles, it laughs, “and you do look delicious.”

He feels lightheaded. “D-d-don’t!” He struggles, but it holds on tight.

“You got yourself into this one, junior,” It kisses his neck.

Joshua breathes fast. His feet aren’t completely immobile, and his assailant’s legs are spaced apart.... His brain whirrs into life. “I said,” He shifts his legs, “let me GO!” He kicks back, between its legs.

“Ouch,” It says, in mock agony, “That’s harsh. You know, if I didn’t have this tough skin, that would’ve really hurt.”

Joshua feels faint. He tries to tug away again, but the grip on his wrists holds fast, and they start to hurt.

“Now just stay still like a good little boy,” It whispers. Without warning, something sharp pricks his neck, and black streaks across his vision.
But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out.




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Awesome! I've got to say, I've never really been interested in any sort of Vampire writing, but this is way different.
OK, down to business. I liked Josh's personality a lot, and his bravado makes me...erm, the reader kinda like him. Which is good, since the audience roots for him, expecting the old, clichéd underdog scene. It makes for a strange twist that he ends up getting bitten (or eaten, or whatever) but he was warned, several times.
The fact that he wanted to catch the vamp sleeping (how stupid is that, right?) and that he constantly underestimates the vamp is ironic, considering what he said, "Don’t u-underestimate me!” and only further expresses his ignorance and bravado.
I've done very little present tense writing, so I've no idea as to how the techniques and gears work, but I'm pretty sure I know enough to say that you worked quite well with the idea.
I didn't like, however, the fact that the vamp seems so condescending. I mean, he gets his personal space invaded, his picture moved and all that, but he still goes on about 'Leave me now and you won't be hurt'. Perhaps it has to do with another story (which would explain the picture and the tears).
In fact, the whole thing is more from Josh's side, yet I can't help feeling that the bigger picture here is the vampire's story. As if Josh was merely a nuisance that would have been confined to the footnotes in the other, bigger story. Weird? I know.
Anyways, kudos to you for this.
~Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Hey, SnapesonaPlane!

Your style is really solid and really beautiful--I love it, and I hope to read more of it.

1. Reasons

The most important thing that was missing in this story was the why. I was confused the first time I read this story through, because I was still trying to figure out what Joshua was doing. The setting is intriguing--an abandoned house, sure, but it's got stuff left behind, so that leaves more room for interpretation. Why is Joshua in the house? You don't have to tell us his entire life story, but dusty abandoned houses aren't exactly hangout spots for the majority of people.

The key with this short is to establish his mission--he's trying to kill this thing--without giving away too much at the get go. I could tell you were having a little trouble with this when you were trying to explain his gayness and his vampire warrior-ness at the same time. His "type", as the monster says--does that mean homo, or vigilante? Hard to tell. I think it's awesome that you have an ass-kicking vampire killer who is gay, but this also requires some delicacy. Don't tip-toe around the matter; it's just part of Joshua. But it also shouldn't be his only conflict.

Also, if you're going to keep the weird neck-kiss in--build the eroticism. Vampires are sexy. Work it. Don't just focus on how cold and mean he is; I don't know about you, but "cold" and "mean" aren't turn-ons for me.

2. Voices

Speaking of how vampires are sexy, you've built in the snarky, formal rapport that are necessary for guilty-pleasure reading. This is good. However, I feel you could sharpen this just a bit more.

Would you mind explaining to me,” It says in a carefully calculated calm tone, “who the hell you are, and why you’re in my house?”


With "careful" and "calculated", I imagine this guy is totally in control of everything. He's also fairly formal. Maybe British. I don't know--whatever it is, it's scary.

“Hello? Kid!”


Oops! Ruined. I feel like "child", or some kind of snarky comment: "Cat got your tongue, eh?" would lend more to the calm-but-creepy supervillain feel. This also helps to build Joshua's insecurity. He's young, and you can tell by how he responds when the two characters are struggling that he isn't entirely sure of himself yet. This leads us to the cardinal rule of nervous characters:

DON'T STUTTER.

Okay, maybe one stutter is fine. I don't know that I've ever heard anyone stutter when they're nervous; that might just be a West Coast thing, or whatever. But writing that stutter out as onomatopoeia--"D-d-don't t-t-touch m-m-me" goes a little overboard. How else can you show he's nervous? What's the physical response? Make the readers aware of their bodies. That's how you, as the romance writer, make the panties drop.


Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or want me to read anything else.



When one door closes, another one opens. If not, just take out your jackhammer and break through that wall.
— Toast F. Krestvwich