Into the Abyss

Into the Abyss we go.
Where we end up no one knows.

Hopefully sometime we'll make it through.
Hey man I sure hope we do.

Be quiet do you here that sound.
In some time the rocks will come tumbling down.

After a while we can make our escape.
So that way we can find another fate.

Try and try we do it again.
Look there's a crack in the wall.

Too bad it's already too late.
The rocks started to crumble down.

But then when we thought it was the end.
The light flashed before our eyes.

Into the abyss we left.
Where we ended up everyone knows.

Hey,

Right positive first. Your idea behind the piece is good and with work could become a good piece.

Negative. The rhyming kills it, completely. It feels force and it is horrible to read. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. Try and right it again without rhyme.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

I agree with Retro about it being forced. But still it's a good little poem.

Thank you both. It's good to know that I could improve this to make it a better peice.

To retrodisco666: It's okay, I can take critisicm.

Hi There!~

The story seems a little fast moving, and I agree with the rhyming being forced. There was grammatical error, but I'm sure you can find that on your own. Another thing I saw was in the first stanza.

Into the Abyss we go.
Where we end up no one knows.

I just wanted to say that "where we end up, no one knows" is a little bit of an overused sentence. You could leave it as is, which is fine, or you could try to change it up a bit to add a little bit more originality.

If you have any questions about anything I've said, please feel free to PM me.~