Breach

Sooooo yes. I know it's really not great, but don't be too mean about it. hahaha


I'm not letting you go,
you've been slipping through my fingers this whole time,
from the moment your lips kissed mine.

the way you touched me felt so unguarded
you were just a facade of happiness
a beautiful apparition, I had caressed.

I knew you'd fall away as soon as you saw who I was.
But I let myself believe, started to trust,
that you were not the same person who killed my best friend.

how stupid of me to want to be a part of you.
To think that I could be found good enough,
or that I could be seen at all in your cloudy grey eyes.

we've been so empty and I've only been lying to myself
to think that we could be anything else.
you've never really met me, just the girl you hoped I was.

so we look through the glass
exposed for who we are
and hating the nothingness that we see.

and you turn away,
turn to the next heart to get you through the day.
So captivating, she'll soon be shattered.

I stand here with our hollow past in my hands
unsure of who I am.
because you just left
and I want to forget
cause you are nothing to me
and I realize that you never were.

I wanted to fill the breach between us.
but you didn't fight, you gave up.
I won't let myself fall in.

To me this seems more like a condensed story, forced into an off-beat rhyme rather than a true poem. I mean, technically speaking it is, but you do too much direct narrating. The interesting thing about poetry is the way that a detailed story usually doesn't actually do the poem any good (with a few exceptions). Try using imagery rather than just putting plain-faced words out there; make the complete story a little more elusive and emotional. All this said though, it's not a bad poem, and it's a cool idea.
~StoryWeaver

Hello there
I will have to agree with storyweaver on the narrating part. It felt as if I was reading a story instead of a poem. But don't worry about it because I have a perception of what a poem should look like or the structure so I will put that aside and say that I liked it. I liked the way you used your words and told the 'story', it was really deep.
Good job.

Hey there!

I actually saw this more as a poem because of your choice of language as it is, after all, quite adventurous. Perhaps it would be better suited for narrative poetry? Hmm, well I'm not sure, because this does carry an element of drama. After all, it's a conflict of love, which is fairly original in the sense of the best friend having been killed; it's not a poetic idea we see every day is it? Well, don't worry, because that's a gooden! The structure and punctuation of this poem are good, but not flawless. There's places where your lines need to be broken up because it just gets too wordy and that's probably where the previous reviewers felt the vibe of prose coming through. Such as here:

But I let myself believe, started to trust,
that you were not the same person who killed my best friend.

Break those two lines up into three and fluency will improve.

As for the ending, I guess it showed it's trump cards, but I didn't feel it left me with the impact it could've. The poem has a good descriptive build up and a conflict of emotion with itself through out and I was expecting some kind of dramatic climax, but instead it comes across as a notion of finally giving up. This isn't necessarily bad, it just left me a bit dissapointed. Different readers would feel different things, naturally.

Anyway, I hope this helps!
Ben

Okay, so.... I found it all to be a bit drab as whole. I'm not really into romantic poetry so that might be it. Who knows. The lines just come off as too cliche for me really and it all just swirls together into a big mess before my eyes. Yeah, it had that surprise element of a dead friend but it was the same story people always tell...

God, I'm coming off as way too harsh. Sorry. It just didn't work for me. Different readers like different things, I guess.

~Horseradish

P.S. This was my worst review ever.

Great work on this poem justme~.
I can feel the emotion when you wrote this and tip my hat to you for that. Emotional writing is the best way to wrote (of course one would need to read it over and over should them make mistakes). Its a great way to get things of your chest.
A fine job my friend keep writing!
-Dawn

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I'm two minds about this poem you begin rather blandly with some nice wording, and okay imagery but then like here:

so we look through the glass
exposed for who we are
and hating the nothingness that we see.

and you turn away,
turn to the next heart to get you through the day.
So captivating, she'll soon be shattered.

I stand here with our hollow past in my hands
unsure of who I am.
because you just left
and I want to forget
cause you are nothing to me
and I realize that you never were.

I wanted to fill the breach between us.
but you didn't fight, you gave up.
I won't let myself fall in.

I'm like, hold on, where did this come from this isn't boring, or generic this is evocative stuff that nails the heart to a metaphorical cross.

So I've only one question if you can capture within these four stanzas then what happened to the beginning it was unimaginative to put it lightly, but this here, especially this line:

I stand here with our hollow past in my hands

I'm like honestly, this is gorgeous beyond words, no pun intended.

So how can you start terribly and then break into a person's heart, why couldn't you just gone with the first bit being as powerful, I wanna give this a star. I do. but I can't...

Hope this helps.