Slightly Unusual Happenings In Normal Life 2.

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Midnight Snack.
Morgrant was surrounded in darkness, and a warm blanket. Her head was softly resting on a pillow. Sleep had wrapped around her up until ten minutes ago. She had to face a tough choice. On one hand she could just try and stay asleep, trying to deny what she would have to do, or she could just get up and get it over with. Finally it was too much, her eyes snapped open. For a few moments she would be alert enough to do this, however that wasn't saying much at all.
She sat up and forced her blanket aside. That was the final straw. She would get up, and use the bathroom.

She staggered down the stairs, and into the bathroom. She used it, and started back up the stairs when she heard an odd noise coming from the kitchen. Her heart raced, her father was awake, she wondered if she should tell him that she heard something. She shook her head, she didn't want to alarm her father unless she had to.

Slowly, she made her way to the kitchen. There was no one there, and an odd silence filled the room. Her heart raced and she could hear her heart beat in her ears, she cursed under her breath. She felt she was breathing too loud.
Finally a break, something shifted in the fridge. She crept over to it only to trip over a stack of food, and shelves that had once been in the fridge. She fell face first and let out a yelp of pain. She got to her feet and froze, again something stirred in the fridge. After kicking the shelves aside she tossed open the door to the fridge.

Her eyes widened, and she let out a scream of shock. “Skyeler?!”

Her jaw dropped in shock, Morgrant stared at Skyeler who was eating everything good in the fridge. She was clearly cramped, and looked uncomfortable. “What are you doing?!” There were footsteps running down the stairs. It was Morgrant's father, Richard. He was an aging man, and he looked rather worried. “Morgrant, what's wrong?” He looked at the fridge, and saw how Morgrant was looking at Skyeler.
“Skyeler's in the fridge at midnight!” Richard rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yes, she's in there every night. She actually pays Lindsey fifty bucks every night to clean up before you wake up.” Morgrant raised a brow. “Really?” Skyeler opened her mouth to speak, but she was cut off. “Really?!” Skyeler nodded. “Yeah, it's how I stalk you.”

There was a pause. “Please tell me you don't--” Skyeler scowled, picked up a shelf from the fridge. Before Morgrant could finish her sentence Skyeler smacked Morgrant in the jaw with the shelf. There was the crack of bones, and Morgrant spit out some blood and teeth. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she looked at her blood and teeth and trembled. “Skyeler... what was that for?” Skyeler looked pissed off, in addition she didn't look sorry in the least. “I'm offended that the idea that I stalk you because I have feelings for you in any way other then friends that I enjoy hitting.”

Richard stared at her in horror. “You just hit my daughter in the jaw with a shelf!” He looked back and forth between the two of them, Morgrant knelt on the ground and started sobbing.
A young girl, about ten, walked into the room, she was unhealthily skinny. She saw the blood, Skyeler standing over her sister sobbing, and her father looking at them in horror. “Well,” she sighed “I am getting fifty dollars a night. I didn't think that I would have to clean up after you assaulting my family, but it's okay. Thanks for shopping Lindsey disposal.”

Skyeler grinned and left the house. Lindsey was left there to do the usual cleaning for when Skyeler did something like this. Kill the witnesses and victims, clean the room, and make sure no one finds the bodies. Needless to say they never did.
Last edited by TalaPaulwic on Sat Jun 26, 2010 5:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
All I can hear; "I me mine, I me mine, I me mine". Even those tears; "I me mine, I me mine, I me mine". No one's frightened of playing it. Everyone's saying it. Flowing more freely than wine. All through your life; "I me mine".




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Hi!

This was cute until the ending line, which didn't make sense. Did that little girl just kill her family? Clarify?

Other than that, this kept my interest. It was wacky but not unbelievably so. Here are some notes for you:

- Ditch the CAPS, they look unproffesional and immature here.

- Revise the part where Sky hits the girl with a shelf and make it less bloody, because I don't think it makes much sense for the main character to walk around without teeth for the rest of the story.

-Start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks.

OVERALL:

Good job! I laughed. I hope I was supposed to. This was very interesting, I think you should just take it a little more seriously than you are taking it right now. Keep it up.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
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“I'm offended that the idea that I stalk you because I have feelings for you in any way other then friends that I enjoy hitting.”

This line makes absolutely no sense.

Actually, the above perfectly states my opinion on this story: it makes absolutely no sense. This was so completely unrealistic and out there that it failed to be funny. It was also obvious that you tried to hard to make this funny, which worked to make this even more unfunny. I was too busy going "What the...?" to laugh or even think of laughing.

I suggest toning things down a little. Right now, the characters act completely unrealistically and without clear motivations. Why did Skyeler hit Morgrant with the shelf? Why didn't her dad do anything? How is Lindsey so nonchalant about everything? What did Skyeler say (seriously, it makes no sense)?

Basically, this entire installment did not make any sense. And I'm repeating myself. But it really didn't make any sense and so wound up more confusing than anything else. So yeah.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
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Hey there Tala. I think Ky is right. You have a lot of work to do on this.

One thing that you should be careful of is that you have all of these female characters and all of these sentences that start with ‘she.’ The overuse of this pronoun makes reading this very confusing.

Also, the pacing is quick. Slow it down and give yourself room to describe the setting that you’re in and the characters that you’re working with. When you describe these essential aspects, it can help make following the story line much either.

My last recommendation is to pick a genre. Is this supposed to be humor or horror? I think you’re going for dark comedy but you’ve missed the mark. If you’re looking for dark comedy, try looking into books by Kurt Vonnegut or Christopher Moore. Both are amazing authors who are not only funny but terrifying in their own styles.

If you have any questions, you can always PM me!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.



Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash