The Golden Rule

The Golden Rule
Hiadel

Sitting in my green velvet chair I absorbed the cottage that surrounded me. Fresh mountain air rolled in from the screen doors nearby and fell over my shoulders and into my lap. A new day’s sun had come up from underneath a mountain in the distance and flooded the cottage’s old wooden windows with morning sunlight. Closing the newspaper I had in front of me I tilted my head back against the chairs upholstery and let the peace of my surrounding overtake me and let me fall asleep.
The clicking of a bedroom door woke me up a few minutes later. The golden hinges creaked against the frame of the doorway to let a woman glide out of the room. Letting her eyes fly over me she glanced quickly at me before turning to the front door of the cottage.
It was such a quick glance that the only thing I could remotely describe it with is the click of a remote. It shared the speed and certainty that came with changing the channels. She was so sure that she was going to make her way through the sports networks and eventually find the lifetime channel, but something stopped her. There was something that wasn’t right. That thing tugged like an invisible hand at her cheeks and begged her head to turn back towards me in my green velvet chair. Her eyes now set on me saw what was going on and grew larger.
Hearing her feet stop on the hard wood floor I opened my eyes to see hers looking back at me. Trying hard to read her thoughts I had mixed images of hunger, surprise, lust, and uncertainty spiral out of her pale blue eyes. Moving her lips she was finally able to ask her question.
“Honey… why are you… naked?” she said, letting the last word fall off her tongue.
Grinning helplessly I had a hard time not laughing at her as I tried to answer her.
“You see, I had this dream last night and after having that dream I felt so compelled to come out here so early this morning and wait for you to come out of the bedroom, naked, of course.” the last part of conversation was tagged on like when someone confesses a lie that they told. “I was really happy you invited us to that party… but quite frankly I didn’t want to go so I lied to you and told you we had other plans.” is a good example.
This wasn’t a lie though. Last night I did have a strange dream that brought me to a new level of thought. I had gotten out of my bed in the dream and found my woman sitting in the same green velvet chair, naked as I was right now. The same expression of surprise and affection that had crossed my wife’s face had crossed me then, and when I woke up from that dream early this morning I planned to set out to return the favor.
“As a kid I was always taught to follow the golden rule. Last night I just thought to myself if I treat you this way you would be happy to treat me back, if you catch my drift. Treat people the way you want to be treated, what can I say?”
The smile that I have had on my face throughout the entire conversation went to her face, and with it she walked over to me in my velvet chair. Letting her fingers run through my hair she let her eyes look me down as she stood there by my side. Breaking her smile she pursed her lips to talk.
“No, I understand. Come with me into the kitchen. I too have some desires that apply to the golden rule. Let me show you how I make breakfast.” Breaking back into that snicker she walked behind me through the rest of the living room and into the kitchen.

Hello, Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the afternoon.

This was a very, interesting, story. You are very descriptive throughout the story, and I love the imagery you use. The only thing is, I don't quite get the point of the story. It seems the opening of a romance scene, but is there a reason behind it?

I think you need to work on the plot a bit. I am not going to go through nitpics, I will leave that to the other reviewers. Other than what I said above though I liked this.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Hello. My name is Jayleigh.
Now that introductions are good and done with, off to the reviewing.

This is a set alone piece of work. Personally, I feel like you'd ruin all your descriptions and what not by adding another part. End your story here...well, if you planned to add on that is.

A few things that bothered me:

Would a door really click? I understand that you are trying to describe creaking without over using the word, but click? How about: squeak, or groan or chirr.

Second off, you lost me to the point where I was completely confused and wanted to stop reading. When you talk about the wife and clicking of channels, that paragraph, the way it ends confused me. It may just me but I thought you had actually switched narrators. *Shrugs* may just be me.

Good things:

Your descriptions were painted very clearly and I felt like I was there...for the most part. (The only thing is, you started out strong and then just...stopped)
I laughed when I finished reading. The dialog at the end; classic.

Good job. Keep writing

-Jayleigh

Hey!

I'm here to review, believe it or not.

Sitting in my green velvet chair, I absorbed the cottage that surrounded me. Fresh mountain air rolled in from the screen doors nearby and fell over my shoulders and into my lap. A new day’s sun had come up from underneath a mountain in the distance and flooded the cottage’s old wooden windows with morning sunlight. Closing the newspaper I had in front of me, I tilted my head back against the chairs upholstery and let the peace of my surrounding overtake me and let me fall asleep.

This was a nice opening paragraph. You had some really nice descriptions in this and it was definitely nice to read. It didn't bore me either, which can happen a lot when it comes to descriptions.

Letting her eyes fly over me, she glanced quickly at me before turning to the front door of the cottage.

Hearing her feet stop on the hard wood floor, I opened my eyes to see hers looking back at me. Trying hard to read her thoughts, I had mixed images of hunger, surprise, lust, and uncertainty spiral out of her pale blue eyes. Moving her lips, she was finally able to ask her question.

You seem to be having some issues with commas. Plus, it's kind of obvious that she moved her lips. That's what most people do to speak, unless they are ventriloquists. You don't necessarily need to say that.

Grinning helplessly, I had a hard time not laughing at her as I tried to answer her.

“You see, I had this dream last night and after having that dream, I felt so compelled to come out here so early this morning and wait for you to come out of the bedroom, naked, of course.” the last part of conversation was tagged on like when someone confesses a lie that they told. “I was really happy you invited us to that party… but quite frankly, I didn’t want to go so I lied to you and told you we had other plans.” is a good example.

The same expression of surprise and affection that had crossed my wife’s face had crossed me then, and when I woke up from that dream early this morning, I planned to set out to return the favor.

“As a kid I was always taught to follow the golden rule. Last night I just thought to myself; if I treat you this way, you would be happy to treat me back, if you catch my drift. Treat people the way you want to be treated, what can I say?”

The smile that I have had on my face throughout the entire conversation went to her face, and with it, she walked over to me in my velvet chair. Letting her fingers run through my hair she let her eyes look me down as she stood there by my side. Breaking her smile, she pursed her lips to talk.

Breaking back into that snicker, she walked behind me through the rest of the living room and into the kitchen.

Overall

This was good! It was a tad bit confusing, but still nicely written. My favourite part was definitely at the end; it was very funny and definitely effective. Another thing that I really liked about this were the descriptions you used, although I do have something negative to say about them. I'll explain that later on though... dun dun dun. You did write some very nice descriptions and you certainly created some effective imagery. I also liked the fact that you varied your vocabulary a it and didn't keep using the same words over and over again. There are a lot of writers that have a tendency do that. When it comes to your grammar, I noticed that you weren't too sure about how to use commas. That's okay though, I myself have serious issues with coma usage. Although I found that you had some misused commas, when it came to your spelling, you did very well. In fact, I didn't find any misspelled words. I'm not the best speller in the world, but I'm pretty sure that you didn't have any obvious spelling mistakes.

My main critique is the fact that I found this a bit confusing. By the looks of it, the other reviewers found this a bit on the confusing side as well. The main reason that this is confusing, in my opinion, is the fact that you've used an awful lot of description. This is where the negatives about your description comes in. The problem with including a lot of descriptions in your writing is that it can make the story itself pretty confusing. This is the area that confused me the most;

It was such a quick glance that the only thing I could remotely describe it with is the click of a remote. It shared the speed and certainty that came with changing the channels. She was so sure that she was going to make her way through the sports networks and eventually find the lifetime channel, but something stopped her. There was something that wasn’t right. That thing tugged like an invisible hand at her cheeks and begged her head to turn back towards me in my green velvet chair. Her eyes now set on me saw what was going on and grew larger.

I kind of lost track of what was going on here. I wasn't sure what you were trying to say, to be honest. What you really should have done, if you ask me, is simply keep the description as the first sentence. After that, you should have just progressed with the plot and not included all of the stuff about changing channels. It's almost as if you're describing your descriptions. When you begin describing your descriptions, you should consider stopping. That is when description begin to feel a bit confusing for your readers. It's not that your descriptions aren't good, it's just that you tend to overuse them.

Another problem that I found with this is that I wasn't actually sure what happened. I understand that there was a guy naked somewhere and his wife walked in. That's all that I really know. To be honest, I'm not even sure if that's right. Something that confused me was that I wasn't sure where your MC actually was. Was he in the living room? I kind of assumed he was because you said that the wife walked out of the bedroom. One of the main problems was that, as far as I'm aware, not much happened in this. This doesn't actually bother me all that much but it will bother other readers. Something else that seemed to confuse me was your dialogue. Your MC's dialogue, that is. It might just be me being stupid though. I think that you should clear that up though.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian