A letter to the departed

Sunday '6/June/2010'

Dear Sophie,

It's four hours past midnight and here I am sitting by my new desk and writing this letter to you. To begin with I don't really know what to say. How are things in heaven? That seems a pretty odd question. California is nice enough I guess, but I have more pressing matters to think of after moving here. Starting tomorrow I will be a freshman in the local high school and I am really anxious about it. What will the students think of me? What about the teachers? Or even worse, how will the upperclassmen react?
My dear friend, I really don't know how to describe my feelings. I guess if my feelings had a color it would be red. Not the crimson color of blood and violence that we all see plenty in our society. But the kind and warm color red really is.
My feelings might also be green. Of course not green like the monster of envy that everyone feels when they see their neighbor happy or their colleague getting promoted.No, it would be a green color like the one forests have while kids run amongst the evergreen trees.
They might also be yellow, like the eternal gaze of the flaming sun who includes everyone in it's fiery hug. Not like the shine of the gold thrones CEO managers sit upon.
They definitely wouldn't be black. The color gentlemen wear while escorting beautiful ladies to balls, where the poor are only allowed to look but not touch.Or even worse the black that separates people to superior and inferior.
Would they be blue like the sea or blue like the lips of homeless people when it's snowing and the corner of the road is the warmest place they ever know.
My dear Sophie, I really don't know. But if there is something I do know then it's probably the fact that my dreams will never again be white. Why should they? Perhaps I am nothing but a child with wide innocent eyes. No, your death changed that. I am anything but innocent. Your leaving felt like a cold gust of wind.
More importantly, you left before I could tell you how I really feel. I really know nothing. But if I do, I regret never calling you my love

Yours eternally.

Hi there grigoris! Well…hmm…a letter…hmm. *ponders*

it must be really boring for you.

Oops. Be careful to capitalize.

My dear friend I really don't know how to describe my feelings. I guess if my feelings had a color it would be red. Not the crimson color of blood and violence that we all see plenty in our society. But the kind and warm color red really is.

My feelings might also be green. Of course not green like the monster of envy that everyone feels when they see their neighbour happy or their colleague getting promoted.
No it would be a green color like the one forests have while kids run amongst the evergreen trees.

I’m just going to point this out but when you wrote the first paragraph, you had the “Not the” and the “but the” in the same paragraph. Yet in the second paragraph, you have those two elements in separate paragraphs. Because so much of this piece has this structure, at least in idea, so try to keep things consistent.

I regret never calling you MY LOVE.

Naughty! You’ve been very naughty! Cap locks are so…dirty… Okay, maybe that was a little overboard but italics, which usually seem very light and lovely, would enforce this point better.


I don’t completely know what to say about this as a whole. I mean, it’s put together well enough with the exception of those few things I mentioned. But I think this is teetering on the cusp of being really good. I think it just needs a little extra…umph. Maybe it just seems too happy. I’m not sure.

I’m sorry if I couldn’t have been more helpful.

~lilymoore

Hey there!

Alright, for the most part you have stuff like punctuation mistakes, so I put my corrections and suggestions in red in the quote below.

Sunday 6Th/June/2010 [I think maybe you should remove the 'Th' and just have it '6/June/2010']

Dear Sophie,

It's four hours past midnight and here I am sitting by my new desk and writing this letter to you. To begin with I don't really know what to say. [This sentence seems odd and doesn't make sense at first. Maybe reword it.] How are things in heaven? It must be really boring for you. California is nice enough I guess, but I have more pressing matters to think of after moving here. Starting tomorrow I will be a freshman in the local high school and I am really anxious about it. What will the students think of me? What about the teachers? Or even worse, how will the upperclassmen react?

My dear friend, I really don't know how to describe my feelings. I guess if my feelings had a color it would be red. Not the crimson color of blood and violence that we all see plenty in our society. But the kind and warm color red really is.

My feelings might also be green. Of course not green like the monster of envy that everyone feels when they see their neighbor happy or their colleague getting promoted.

No, it would be a green color like the one forests have while kids run amongst the evergreen trees.

They might also be yellow, like the eternal gaze of the fiery sun who includes everyone in it's fiery hug. Not like the shine of the gold thrones CEO managers sit upon.

It definitely they would not be black. The color gentlemen wear while escorting beautiful ladies to balls, where the poor are only allowed to look but not touch.

Or even worse the black that separates people to superior and inferior.

Would they be blue like the sea or blue like the lips of homeless people when it's snowing and the corner of the road is the most warm place they ever know. [That sentence is confusing and makes little sense.]

My dear Sophie, I really don't know. But if there is something I do know, then it's probably the fact that my dreams will never again be white.

Why should they?

Perhaps I am nothing but a child with wide innocent eyes.

No,your death changed that. I am anything but innocent.

Your leave felt like a warm breeze, more importantly, you left before I could tell you how I really feel.

I really know nothing. But if I do, I regret never calling you MY LOVE. [Ugh, don't do full caps like that!]

Yours eternally.

Well, other than all those, this actually seems decent and interesting. Fix those and it should be much better

Keep it up!

~Heather

Well, grigoris, I’ve never double reviewed anything! That means you’re the firstest!

They might also be yellow,Like the eternal gaze

Okay, watch your capitalizing and spacing here between ‘yellow’ and ‘like.’

when it's snowing and the corner of the road is the most warm place they ever know

‘Most warm’ is…it’s just wrong. It’s kind of like saying ‘You are the most silly person I know.’ What you actually need here is ‘warmest.’

[qutoe] Your leave felt like a warm breeze, more importantly, [/quote]

‘Your leaving’ is actually the proper way of writing it. Or you could say: “When you left, it felt…” It’s up to you. Also, the comma after ‘breeze’ should either be a period and you should start a new sentence or it should become a colon.


Well I’m really glad I got to look at this edited because I think you did definitely tilt the scale to the really amazing side. Congrats!

Also, if some of those mistakes were there the first time, I’m sorry I missed them originally. But I’m honored to double review you! It was no bother at all, either by the way.

~lilymoore

I like what you did with the colors being feelings. It adds something unique to your piece. I would hope this turns out to be a compilation of letters to Sophie. It's an interesting way of writing, I am impressed by people who write their novels as letters. They don't just get caught up in the letter itself, the story still continues through it.
Like everyone else said, minor nit picks, punctuation, capitalization, grammar. Someone told me that if you edit a piece too much close together, you will get tired of the feel of your story and just leave it alone. So, the best advice I can give you is to put it aside for a couple days, weeks, months, and then pick it up again and edit. We all hate editing, but it's necessary.
~Kaitelyn

Since a lot of the other comments have grammar errors pointed out, I would just like to tell you about how I like this story. I liked the way you described your feelings in colors, describing each color with a different sort of personality. Great, story, descriptive, what else is there to say?

I think the grammar errors make this piece seem more real.
I don't think you should correct them.
Well done, good piece.

~Retro Disco666