Dom and Kelsey: A(kinda) Emo Love Story

This story has been deleted. Sorry!

I suggest pressing the edit button and putting this into a paragraph format. No one can read this jumbled mess. (just a hint if you would like reviews)

I'd gladly take a look at it once you have done so.


-Jayleigh

Hi hugs. Welcome to YWS!
Okay...as jayleigh said, hardly anybody would want to read this/even try to read this. Break this whole thing into paragraphs...maybe even separate this into parts, since this is a bit much. For example, start a new paragraph every time a different person says something, when you move on to another event, etc.

Also...

I would rate this 16+, especially for the 'shower scene'. You need to make sure to always put ratings on works that you think might not be okay for readers 12+ (pieces like these are normally in the romantic fiction genre, like yours), since anybody can read any works on YWS. If you don't know how to rate this, click the edit button on the top right hand side of your piece. Then, below the title area, give your piece a rating!

Hope I helped. Keep on writing-

KD

Hey there, Hugs! *hugs* Welcome to YWS! I'm Selene, and it's lovely to meet you. ^_^

Have you checked out this huge site yet? YWS may seem intimidating at first, but it gets smaller as you know more people and make new friends. See, you've got one already! To make more friends try joining Groups or head over to YWS chat. There are so many YWS writers who would be happy to meet you.

Anyway, on to the critique!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to refrain from writing a full-length critique until you structure it, just as Jayleigh and Kaedee said. Put your writing into paragraphs and it will look 100x more appealing to reviewers. It's not as hard as it seems, just put ideas and quotations into one paragraph. For example:

Juliet goes to Frank Lawrence’s flower shop and demands him to give her a deadly poison. “I want to die! I can’t live without my beautiful, senior husband. Please, have mercy!” Juliet cries and throws herself down at Frank’s feet. She clings to his flower apron and sobs uncontrollably. Frank offers her up a better, less lethal option. He says he’ll give her a magical potion that will make her look dead for two days. “It’s right here, Juliet.” Frank roots around for it on his cluttered desk and finally picks up a vial. “Here you go!” Juliet takes the vial and tips it into her mouth. Just as Frank begins to question which vial he gave her, Juliet chokes and dies. Frank walks cautiously over to the vial and moves it around so he can see the label. “Darn, that’s rat poison.” Frank Lawrence looks panicked at the dead Juliet on his flower shop floor. “Well, that’s not good... but on the bright side, she got her wish!”

Do you see how that's hard to read? It should look like this-

***

Juliet goes to Frank Lawrence’s flower shop and demands him to give her a deadly poison.

“I want to die! I can’t live without my beautiful, senior husband. Please, have mercy!” Juliet cries and throws herself down at Frank’s feet. She clings to his flower apron and sobs uncontrollably.

Frank offers her up a better, less lethal option. He says he’ll give her a magical potion that will make her look dead for two days.

“It’s right here, Juliet.” Frank roots around for it on his cluttered desk and finally picks up a vial. “Here you go!”

Juliet takes the vial and tips it into her mouth. Just as Frank begins to question which vial he gave her, Juliet chokes and dies. Frank walks cautiously over to the vial and moves it around so he can see the label.

“Darn, that’s rat poison.” Frank Lawrence looks panicked at the dead Juliet laying on his flower shop floor. “Well, that’s not good... but on the bright side, she got her wish!”

***

Now paragraphs don't have to be very long, as you can see. Your writing just needs a touch of order to it.

Also, while scanning through this piece I noticed you are misusing your ellipses. An ellipse or ... is to tell your reader there is a significant pause in dialogue or story-line. Use these sparingly to add suspense or a pause.

Another issue was the parentheses or ( ). These are generally frowned upon in writing a story, but if you must put one or two in do so sparingly.

I hope you go over this again and take my advice. ^_^ That way others will review it, too.

Have a question? Want a review? PM me and I'll be happy to help!

~Selene

Hello there, I'm Flower and I will be your reviewer for the evening. I hope you are enjoying yourself on YWS, remember in order to get reviews you will have to review for other people. I am going to go through and put this in the proper paragraph form, and edit as I go along.



Dominic and Kelsey have known each other since they were in diapers…..There moms had been friends since high school…..Dominic and Kelsey were always at each others houses playing hide and seek or watching dragon tales. But one day Dominic and his mom(who had become an alcoholic)and Dominic’s dad(who mysteriously reappeared in his life and was very abusive) decided to move to California. In the last sentence it is worded weird, I will reword it below. One day Dominic, his mother, and his dad decided to move to California. His mother was a known alcoholic, and his father, who had recently rejoined his life, was known to abuse him. Now doesn't that sound better?

Dominic and Kelsey cried together until he left. Kelsey had no clue what was going on with Dominic’s’ parents, but she knew he didn’t like it. This was when Kelsey and Dominic were 9. 7 years later What? 9.7 years later, I'm sorry I don't understand., it was Kelsey’s sophomore year in high school and not a day went by that she didn’t think about Dominic. Kelsey’s teacher(who she’s sure tried to hit on her) What does this have to do with anything. Who cares if her teacher tried to hit on her. It doesn't seem very effective in the story. gave Kelsey a note saying that she was wanted in the principals office. When Kelsey got down there, she saw this very hot emo boy who smiled at her when she walked through the door. This sentence shows me that this is going to be somewhat of a childish story. I mean a very hot emo boy? There is no description to him whatsoever. Something more like, "When I walked through the door, my breath was taken away by the dark haired boy sitting in the chair in front of me. His grey eyes flitted up to my face, as a small smile crossed his lips. As soon as I saw his face I realized who the boy sitting infront of me was, it was Dominic! Now doesn't that seem more fitting? If she loved him so much would she recognize him?

The principal said Said is a very common word, try using something else.,
“Hello Kelsey, this is Dominic. I want you to show him around until he gets the hang of things. He will have all of your classes and you will be sharing lockers.”

“Uhm Ok. Come on Dominic. Dominic, were do I know that name?” Kelsey comments.

“Maybe from birth until 6 and a half years ago This sentence is also confusing.we used to play hide and seek, and watch Dragon Tales I feel like you are over using Dragon Tales. Also it needs to be capitalized.everyday, Dominic replied.


Then I movedWhat? You moved?….” and she looks at him and says I don't like this line either. Try something like, her eyes focused on his face as she struggled for words. Finally she replied, “Oh my God, Dominic Johnson……I’ve missed you soo Erase the extra s. much!Only one explaination mark is needed.”

The as if by chance, he says the exact thing she has been thinking for all these years. “I’ve thought about you everyday since I left. California was torture without you!”

Kelsey begins to blush as she responds, “You know you enjoyed all the sleazy girls throwing themselves at you!” This line seems a bit harsh don't you think?

“Hmm…do I sense a bit of jealousy?" he says with a special Dominic smirk.”"No, I haven’t talked to any other girls…..Every girl I saw reminded me of you.” Really I have had enough of all the dots after your sentences. I am not going to fix anymore of them, I will let you. Also the second line seems a bit rushed, I don't know why.

"Awww," she replied touched by his words. I have been fixing the and then she said bits. You should always start a new paragraph when someone new speaks. You should put and she said or and he said before it either.

At Lunch, Dominic and Kelsey sit together like they used to sit together erase this when they were little all the time And this..

“So Kels. We haven’t talked in years a lot of stuff was unresolved with how I felt before I left. Since I like to keep you guessin, I'm going to tell you tomorrow, but I need a huge favor. This is kinda life or death.” and Kelsey looks at him with great concern. Get rid of the and Kelsey looks at him with great concern.

“Sure Dom. Anything for my bestie!”. Dominic starts to cry……and Kelsey goes to hug him and he says,The way you write this makes the story boring. And Kesley goes to hug him? Ok, if you must make him weak, and make him cry put it like this. I lifted my eyes up and caught a tear running down his face. Involuntarily I reached over and wrapped my arms around him.

“My mom…um..has become an alcoholic and my abu-ab…abusive dad came back….and I don’t…I…..I…I don’t want to….I don’t want him….I don’t want him to beat me…..and I was wondering if I could umm….live with you? Get rid of the question mark. Kelsey?”

“Yea dom.?”

“Im too young to die…” and they both cry……Dominic and Kelsey walk to Kelsey’s house and Kelsey tells her mom the whole story. Kelsey’s mom, knows that adopting Dominic is the right thing to do and she would be the best one to do it! The exclaimation point makes this sound like a childrens story. I would suggest getting rid of it.


So, Dominic’s parents go to jail and Dominic moves in with Kelsey. This is very rushed and it seems like your saying, Dominic moves in and we all live happily every after the end. I would change it. There aren’t enough rooms and Kelsey’s mom trusts Dominic. So now Kelsey’s room is Dominic’s room also. Make this one sentence. Also um ya that doesn't happen in reality. The first night, Kelsey and Dominic sleep in their bed, and Kelsey is freezing. The air stays in her room, even when she doesn’t want it. How can she stop air from being in her room? So Dominic notices her shivering and offers to hold her. So Kelsey says

“Sure Dom.” and then she thinks to ask him a question. “Dom. Why haven’t you dated anyone else? I mean I haven’t dated anyone else either, but..” she stuffed her face in his warm chest…”I jus wanna know….” and he kinda laughs and says,

“I’ve had my eye on this girl for a while…I just….” and Kelsey says,

“Oh…..uh-huh” and Dominic says, “Yea…She’s pretty clueless…I think its pretty cute though…..”

“Really? What’s her name?”

“You’ll find out soon enough! Now just go to sleep! Don’t worry Im gonna hold you till you do missy!” Dom said as he kinda laughed.

“Watcha laughin at?”

”Oh nothin’, I told you you’ll find out soon enough!” Kelsey buried her head into Doms chest and went to sleep fast. What Dominic didn’t know was that Kelsey talked in her sleep a lot.


Well ok, you get the point. I don't really have time to edit everything because it is so long. Now to tell you all that I am talking about above.

One thing I notice is that you use dot like this.....after everything. This makes your writing seem very childish. I would get rid of it. I have already talked about you saying, and then she said, in your sentences. Every time your speaker changes start a new paragraph. It makes everything easier to read.

Another thing that you lack as a writer is description and color. When you write it sounds like this.

So then I walked home beside him and then we went and sat down on the couch and then we watched dragon tales for the thousandth time ever.
When you could write like this.

As we walked home I could feel the warmth of his hand on my palm. We watched the sun set in the horizon as we finally reached my house. Our paces matched as we entered the living room and plopped down on my old red couch. The TV was already on and as soon as I saw the screen I saw the old show we watched when we were kids.

I know this isn't the best example, but it will have to do.

I can't really think of much else, just work on writing in the present, and adding description.

If you need anything feel free to PM me.

-Flower-