You Were

You were the one
I first loved.

You were the one
I first dreamed of.

You were the one
who made it feel right.

You were the one
who held me so tight.

You were the one
who said, it's alright.

You were the one
who broke up our fights.

You were the one
who kissed me goodnight.

You were the one
who made everything alright.

You were my friend,
You were my lover,

Until the day,
You said it was over.

Now I am all alone once again
because of you.

Hi Flower~Child,

I am not even going to bother to give this a line-by-line critique. Not only do you make mistakes in every one, they are the same mistakes repeated over and over again; therefore, it would make more sense to make this review generalized.

First of all, "you were the one" gets mind-numbingly tiring halfway through the piece. Yes, we get it. You were the one. Furthermore, the repetition itself (as bad as it may be) is entirely dropped for some reason near the end, and I cannot think of what reason that could be. Just don't repeat it; in fact, don't repeat anything unless there is a specific meaning to it. Clearly, here there isn't.

Also, the rhyming is juvenile and the imagery follows that same shallow path. "Dreamed of", "made it feel right", "held me so tight", etc are so vapid and meaningless that you might as well not have written them. Describe why these actions and thoughts are important; don't tell the reader what happened, force the reader to feel it himself by presenting it through imagery. How did it feel right? Can it possibly be compared to something in order for it to be relatable?

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Thank you for the review. I will take your advise on that. I don't think poetry is my stong suit as you can tell.

Hey, it's Adam here to review...

1.

who said, it's alright.

You were the one
who broke up our fights.

You were the one
who kissed me goodnight.

You were the one
who made everything alright.

I dont tlike the fact that you repeated the word alright, I don't feel that it adds anything to the poem and so feel it should be removed.

2.

Until the day,
You said it was over.

I think this stanza could be much more effective in conveying its message in an emotive way, try rewording it to maximise the effect.

3. I really like the repetition you have used and also feel that you end it at the right time. It add's a structure to the poem that you break the form at the crucial moment of a breakup.

I ike the idea of this poem, but i agree it needs alot of work. Keep writing!! Adam x

i like this poem i really dont care if words are repeated cuz it seems like your trying to get a point across but anyway i just thought i would say that but anyway keep up the great work!!!

I think that repetition in poetry can be very powerful, and I like how you utilize it so well. I feel the same way about rhyming, when done right. I don't find any of your rhymes very forced, which is impressive, but I do think you should try to make the rhyme scheme a bit more consistent.