Where do I Find a Green Rose? Chapter I pt. 1

"Good night moon," he uttered as he closed his bedroom window.

Sam found his bible on his bed, read a chapter from the book of Proverbs and prayed. It was his routine before sleep.

"Tomorrow will be a busy day." he thought.

"I am wondering what Rye is doing right now," Sam thought of his friend who was out of town, "I hope they're safe."

Rye Vasquez was one of Sam's best buddies. He was lived in the next street from where Sam lived. He went to a vacation yesterday with his family. He just graduated from high school and thought of going to the same school where Sam attends.

The clock's hands pointed at one thirty in the morning, as Sam shut his eyes to sleep. The moon, together with the sparkling stars was smiling from the window pane, watching the boy who fell on a deep sleep.



His mobile phone alarmed at six in the morning.

"Okay.. just give me five minutes," he pleaded as he stretched his lean arms and legs;

"Thank God for this day," he said and opened his eyes.

The rays of the sun shone through the window, greeted him a good morning.

"Summer is here, I can feel it!" he exclaimed with a big smile and rushed finding his mobile phone.

He browsed the Inbox of his phone, looked for a certain message.

A text message read:

Good morning bro!
So far, this out-of-town thing is good.
We had fun last night.

It was a text message from his friend, Rye. Yet that was not the message he was looking for.

A text message from an unknown number appeared on the Inbox list, said:

Hi, this is Janna.
I am one of the high school students from Shiloh High.
Just want say hi from me and my friends.

His cheeks turned red and made an outstanding smile as he read again the message from the unknown number. He immediately saved Janna's number on the Contacts of his phone and forgot about the text message that he was looking for. That smile remained on his face as he rushed down the stairs and looked for his mom.

"Mama, is breakfast ready?" he asked.

He went to the dining room and found a plate of pancakes with maple syrup on top. A note was beside the plate which read,

Sam,

I went out to get some groceries.
Here's your breakfast. Just make your coffee and make sure to lock the door when you leave.
Just give me a call if you need anything:

Mama

"Thanks Mama," he said.




(Reviews needed. Thanks!)

Hey, Jem... I love what's happening in your story, I love the way you describe things, and I love the way he has the same routine as me before he go to sleep. Keep it on, cause this story rocks! I would NOT change anything.

Hey, I really enjoyed this chapter. Your descriptions of his routine helped readers understand more about him then that he is a boy who goes to a coffee shop.

iamjemo wrote:" The clock's hands pointed at one thirty in the morning, as Sam shut his eyes to sleep. The moon, together with the sparkling stars was smiling from the window pane, watching the boy who fell on a deep sleep.

I loved this part, but maybe instead of it being 'watching the boy who fell on a deep sleep' to 'watching the boy as he fell into a deep sleep'. And maybe you should explain why he was up at 1:30 in the morning.

It was a text message from his friend, Rye. Yet that was not the message he was looking for.

What message was he looking for?

I hope this helped a bit.

iamjemo wrote:"Good night moon," he uttered as he closed the glass window of his room. A better way to phrase this is: he uttered as he closed his bedroom window. (we know it is a glass window.)
Sam found his bible on his bed, read a chapter from the book of Proverbs and prayed. It was his routine before he Take out sleep.

"Tomorrow will be a busy day." he told himself.

"I am wondering what Rye is doing right now," Sam said, "I hope they're safe." (So, he is talking to himself, weird...) You can just make him think.

He thought of his friend who was out of town. Rye Vasquez was one of Sam's best buddies. He was residing Big word alert, and yes I know what residing means. But, it is so much easier just to say he lived in the next... Sometimes overused words are better. in the next street from where Sam lived. He went to a on a vacation yesterday with his family. He just graduated from high school and thought of going to the same school where Sam attends. This sentence confused me.

The clock's hands pointed at one thirty in the morning, as Sam shut his eyes to sleep. The moon, together with the sparkling stars was smiling from the window pane, watching the boy who fell on a deep sleep. I don't like how you repeat "sleep."

***

His mobile phone alarmed This could be any sound, try to find one more specific. Buzzed, rang, or beeped. at six in the morning.

"Okay.. just give me five minutes," he pleaded as he stretched his lean arms and legs; It might be just me, but when I get up I don't talk to myself to give me 5 more minutes. I just roll over.

"Thank God for this day," he said and opened his eyes.

The rays of the sun shone through the window, greeted him a good morning.

"Summer is here, I can feel it!" he exclaimed with a big smile and rushed Would he rush in the morning? he just got up! finding his mobile phone.

He browsed the In- add box of his phone, looked change to ing for a certain message. Is the certain message the one he just got? If so it would be better to say the new message.

A The text message read:

Good morning bro!
So far, this out-of-town thing is good.
We had fun last night.

It was a text message from his friend, take out Rye. Yet, add that was not the message he was looking for.

A text message from an unknown number appeared on the Inbox list, it add said:

Hi, this is Janna.
I am one of the high school students from Shiloh High.
Just want say hi from me and my friends.

His cheeks turned red and made an outstanding smile as he read again the message Should be the message again. from the unknown number. take out.He immediately saved Janna's number on the Contacts of his phone and forgot about the text message that he was looking for. That smile remained on his face as he rushed down the stairs and looked for his mom.

"Mama, is breakfast ready?" he asked.

He went to the dining room and found a plate of pancakes with maple syrup on top. A note was beside the plate which read,

Sam,

I went out to get some groceries.
Here's your breakfast. Just make your coffee and make sure to lock the door when you leave.
Just take out give me a call if you need anything:

Mama

"Thanks Mama," he said.

Well, lots of things you did annoyed me. How he called his mom mama, how you repeated information, and how he talked to himself. He also seemed like a morning person, and he only got like 5 hours of sleep ..... But, besides that it was great. It was kind of short for a chapter.

Hey there jemo. I'm back to do the second part like you asked. All of my comments and corrections will be in pink.

"Good night moon," he uttered as he closed the glass window of his room.

Sam found his Bible on his bed, read a chapter from the book of Proverbs, and prayed. It was his routine before he ent to sleep. When you say he found his Bible on his bed, you make it seem like he didn't know where it was and it just randomly appeared.

"Tomorrow will be a busy day," he told himself.

"I am wondering what Rye is doing right now," Sam said. "I hope they're safe." The name Rye reminds me of bread, and I'm pretty sure you don't want that. xD Also, why is he talking to himself out loud? It's really weird and not something that you would normally see in writing unless they are mumbling.

He thought of his friend who was out of town. Rye Vasquez was one of Sam's best buddies. He was residing in the next street from where Sam lived. He went to a vacation yesterday with his family. He just graduated from high school and thought of going to the same school where Sam attends. This whole paragraph is really choppy, and it seems quite disconnected. The sentences are all relatively the same length which makes it seem quite repetitive even though it's not.

The clock's hands pointed at one thirty in the morning, as Sam shut his eyes to sleep. That sentence just seems extremely awkward. Why don't you just say that it was one thirty? The moon, together with the sparkling stars, was smiling from the window pane, watching the boy who fell into a deep sleep.


***


His mobile phone alarm rang at six in the morning.

"Just give me five minutes," he pleaded as he stretched his lean arms and legs. [b]It seems quite weird that he's talking to an inanimate object. If he as saying this to someone like his mom then maybe it wouldn't be as disturbing.

"Thank God for this day," he said and opened his eyes.

The rays of the sun shone through the window, and greeted him a good morning.

"Summer is here. I can feel it!" he exclaimed with a big smile, and herushed to find his mobile phone.

He browsed the inbox of his phone, looking for a certain message.

One of his new text messages read:

Good morning bro!
So far, this out-of-town thing is good.
We had fun last night.

It was a text message from his friend, Rye. Yet that was not the message he was looking for.

A text message from an unknown number appeared in his inbox, and it said:

Hi, this is Janna.
I am one of the high school students from Shiloh High.
Just wanted to say hi from me and my friends.

His cheeks turned red and made an outstanding smile appear on his faceas he re-read the message from the unknown number. He immediately saved Janna's number on the Contacts of his phone and forgot about the text message that he was looking for. That smile remained on his face as he rushed down the stairs and looked for his mom. Why would he be blushing? It's not a particularly embarrassing text, and people usually don't get embarassed from a message from a person that they don't know.

"Mama, is breakfast ready?" he asked.

He went to the dining room and found a plate of pancakes with maple syrup on top. A note was beside the plate which read,

Sam,

I went out to get some groceries.
Here's your breakfast. Just make your coffee and make sure to lock the door when you leave.
Just give me a call if you need anything:

Mama

"Thanks Mama," he said.

All in all,
I still don't know what to think of this story. I don't see how this part connects to the previous part. I don't see the relevancy of anything that's happening in the story so far at all. To be totally honest, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish with this story. There's nothing for me to really say about this.

PM me if you have any questions.

Always,
~Danie

Heya!
Me again!

"Good night, moon," he uttered as he closed the glass window of his room.

"Tomorrow will be a busy day." he told himself.

"I am wondering what Rye is doing right now," Sam said, "I hope they're safe."

I'm finding it kind of weird how he's talking to himself... Maybe you should make it so he's thinking these things, not saying them. The good night, moon, thing was fine. It's just these two lines that I'm finding kind of weird.

He went on a vacation yesterday with his family. He just graduated from high school and thought of going to the same school that Sam attends.

The clock's hands pointed at one thirty in the morning, as Sam shut his eyes to sleep. The moon, together with the sparkling stars, was smiling from the window pane, watching the boy who fell into a deep sleep.

You didn't need the first comma here. I did like the description of the moon and the stars though, that was nice.

"Okay.. just give me five minutes," he pleaded as he stretched his lean arms and legs;

"Thank God for this day," he said and opened his eyes.

The rays of the sun shone through the window, greeting him a good morning.

"Summer is here, I can feel it!" he exclaimed with a big smile and rushed to find his mobile phone.

Yeah... this whole talking to himself thing is a bit creepy. Mind you, if you keep it up and make it quirky, it could actually be rather interesting. It could be one of your MC's personality traits. Unless that's what you're already thinking?

He browsed the Inbox of his phone and looked for a certain message.

Good morning, bro!
So far, this out-of-town thing is good.
We had fun last night.

A text message from an unknown number appeared on the Inbox list that said:

"Thanks Mama," he said.

Yeah... the talking to himself thing seems creepier here...


Overall

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. I'm not sure whether I like Sam's character or not, so far. I found it kind of weird how he was talking to himself out loud. What I do think though is that you could turn it into something quirky about his personality, the whole talking to himself thing. That would actually be a hard thing to achieve though, to be honest. The best thing to do, I think, is to maybe make him think those things and not say them. If you do that, Sam might not seem quite as weird. Your grammar also lacked a bit in this chapter, unlike the prologue where I thought that your grammar was rather good. Your spelling was still impressive though. Another thing that I found in this chapter was the fact that you still seem to be telling and not showing. You also don't seem to be describing as much as I'd like you to. There was one point though where I liked your description; when you were describing the moon and the stars. I liked that. I did especially notice the fact that you didn't describe your MC's feelings though. That is something that you always need to do in a story.

To be honest my main critique would probably be about the showing and the telling again. I'm not going to repeat that though because I've already advised on that in the first review. I will mention another critique that I have for you, though. That critique is the fact that the prologue to this doesn't seem to have much of a connection at all with the first chapter. I'm aware that a lot of prologue's are set in a different time and place compare to the rest of the story or the beginning of the story. I just found that your prologue didn't really fit very well with the first chapter. I don't really know why, it just didn't flow well into the next chapter. That's what I think, anyway. If you take my advice on the prologue though and edit it, I don't think that it will be such a problem. I especially don't think that it will be so much of a problem if you take my advice on this chapter and edit it up a bit.

I don't really have much else to say about this. Anything else that I would say has already been said by other reviewers, I think. Like I said in the prologue, all that you need to do is to take into account what us reviewers have said and consider editing these pieces of writing a bit. I can see this shaping up into a pretty good story if you do it well.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins