This is not me

A friend wrote this. I really liked it, so I decided to come post it here. I hope I am not breaking any rules posting in someone else's work. I just wanted you to tell me what you think about it. It would totally boost my friend to writing more of such.

Thanks.

Here goes....

***

Rock my world!

do.re.mi.fa.so.la.ti.do.....

Lets start that way. Give me a *wink* and blow my mind, give me that stare and be my fire. Burn me with so much desire and make me say your name over again. Buy me a rose honey and have my dance. Lets rock while the D.J. is absent.

Put me in the shower and bathe me like a new born, spell my name with your tongue on my belly button and together we'll laugh at the world. Give me a drive in the city and get my mail the next morning. Let me be your little toy that you play and stay with. I will make you fresh coffee on bed when its morning and show you the rules you surely can break in the house and it will be my pleasure because i treasure that sugar smile.

Keep me warm like a meal in a micro-wave and I'll be your stalker but for good... Just anything crazy I'll do to get us crazy. Polish my nails purple while i wear you a purple tie and we're out to make others hush!

Make me mad and get a shocking kiss. You'll be Oliver Twist always begging for more and I'll be angel Micheal granting you your desires. Drive me hard to the borders and then take a "u"turn to heaven's gate...

Together, we'll break the dawn. Give my dad wine and my mum a peck. You'll take me on a date and give me a beautiful fitted ring and I'll give you your photocopies after nine months. We'll keep all our anniversary dates and celebrate>>>
First Kiss, First touch, First punk, First date, First dance.... and together we'll watch videos of us when we were young.

***

Please... I need you to tell me what you think.
Cannot wait to pass the messages on to her.
Thank you.

I really think this poem needs to be formatted better. Right now, the rhyme is lost in places because everything is clumped together into giant paragraphs. Also, there was some missing punctuation/capitalization that stood out because the rest of the poem was generally punctuated/capitalized properly. I suggest fixing that as well.

As far as the content went, I think this would work better as a song than as a poem. It's got a real flow to it, and while there were a couple of creative images in the mix (such as the microwave analogy), but there wasn't enough that stood out as really poetic. The formatting may have something to do with this, however.

Overall, this was interesting to read. I just wish it had been formatted better.

Hi Romeyo,

Sounds like a corny song...with a bunch of rhyming phrases meant to seduce..ok..and? This needs some guitar jams to go with it, it would make a good rock song I think. This also reminded me of pick up lines.

I agree with Kyllorac, it needs formatting.