The Story, The Song, and The Picture (prolouge)

Prolouge:

Finally, summer's coming.

The writer leaned her back against the thick trunk of a tree, resting under its shade. Carefully, she pulled her diary from her school bag, and making sure she was alone, she started to write.

"School has finally ended. It was a great relief, and I am sure I will be able to finish the story I promised to my best friend, now that I am free from all those homeworks and activities. I hope she's happy wherever she is—"

She stopped writing and tears fell on her cheeks. She tried to wipe them off, but they won't stop. She sobbed quietly for her best friend.

The young musician, who is secretly watching her all along, sat beside her on the ground. "Don't cry," he said. "I'm with you."

This is really nice, It makes me want to read more. Good Job!

Wow, this is great. It immediately grabs the readers attention within the first line. You make it so realistic its almost like I'm standing right next to her, crying with her. The emotion is what really grabbed my attention. What I like about it is that it wasnt dramatic, it was over done. It was real, powerful, and even stunning. When you cut the story off, it was perfect, not one flaw. I look forward to reading more!

Hey! I appreciate your comments on my photography, so I'm here to return the favor. I think you have a good idea here, but you can do so much better with it. Add in some descriptions, more dialogue, more emotion, more of everything. Really throw the reader right into the action. Your opening sentences are so-so, but you can definitely spice it up. Try something like: The girl didn't know that he was watching her all along.

If you start out with something like that, the reader will want to continue reading because you've created a sense of mystery. Who is this girl? Who's watching her? Is he dangerous?

You can do a lot with this, just make sure not to rush things. Take your time and explain everything. Actually, don't explain everything. Leave a few things unknown to create suspense. Just explain enough so that we're not completely confused.

Keep writing!

Embee

Hello there, dark angel!

Here to review.

Ok, 'JackpotJohnson' said already the things that I was suposed to say here. Anyways, this is a good prologue. No grammar mistakes and your spellings are fine. I like it how you manage to keep the mysterious musician in your story. In that way, we could be really motivated to read the first chapter of your story. Maybe, things that I want to clarify or things that you need to imply here are the descriptions: the atmosphere around your MC, more of the feelings, etc. It felt like it's lacking of something. Try to state there like:
Where was she? It really felt like she was still in school, a school garden to be exact. Also, maybe just give us a hint of clue of the musician looking at her. Describe more of her atmosphere and feelings towards her bestfriend.

But really... I like this!

Keep up the good work!

Peace out!

Hi Darkangel_05. Here to review. This is the first time I saw a guy writing in the Romantic section.

Finally, summer's coming.

I don't know why but this sentence forced me to read more.

Carefully, she pulled her diary from her school bag, and making sure she was alone, she started to write.

Considering that you have used 'she' tow times before also, you can omit this one.

The young musician, who is secretly watching her all along, sat beside her on the ground. "Don't cry," he said. "I'm with you."

This one was also nice.

The time when she remembers her fiend and the musician appears can be stretched a bit. You can definitely tell how she's feeling a bit more.

This was pretty short so there isn't much to say. Keep writing and specify the rating. :

Good luck~

~Shubhi

Heya, here to review as requested.

Finally, summer's coming.

Short, sweet and simple. I like it.

Carefully, she pulled her diary from her school bag. Making sure she was alone, she started to write.

"School has finally ended. It was a great relief, and I am sure I will be able to finish the story I promised to my best friend, now that I am free from all those homeworks and activities. I hope she's happy wherever she is-"

You don't need the first comma in this paragraph.

She stopped writing and tears fell down her cheeks.

She tried to wipe them off, but they wouldn't stop.

You changed tenses a bit here. You said won't instead of wouldn't.

The young musician, who was secretly watching her all along, sat beside her on the ground. "Don't cry," he said. "I'm with you."

Aww... I liked this.


Overall

I don't really have much to say about this, mostly because it's very short. That's actually what I really liked about this though; the shortness of it. Yes, it was short but it was also very sweet. It was simple but in my opinion, very effective. I pointed out a few problems, but except for them, there really wasn't anything wrong with this! Some of the things that you said were really nice. Your grammar was pretty good and your spelling was completely flawless.

My only slight critique is probably about the grammar, really. That's me being really picky as well! I noticed that you sometimes have misplaced commas. You tend to use commas where they are not needed. That's okay though, I've noted the areas where you did this. All that you need to do is read over your work and try to figure out when and where you really need those commas. The best way to solve this problem is to simply write as often as you can. Remember, practice makes perfect. That's even true when it comes to grammar in writing. Overall though, your grammar is actually very good. You used periods, dialogue and any other grammar marks very well.

Sorry this review has been kind of short, I couldn't find anything to critique, to be honest...

Keep writing

xoxo Skins

Pretty much everyone has picked up on the points to review, but I couldn't not comment; I found your synopsis and title intriguing. The title to start with is one that would interest me enough to buy the book and the synopsis/ blurb shows great promise! Please pursue this because you have my interest.

"Don't cry," he said. "I'm with you."

That has to lead onto somewhere doesn't it?

I love this! Everyone has touched on the necessary areas of correction already! but i just needed to comment on how nice short and sweet this was. I loved it! please write more!
~Lady Kix

This was really good! Everyone else has already picked up on the mistakes I noticed, so I'm just going to ask you to PM me when the next chapter is uploaded and ready for me to read!

Most people said what I was going to say. Darn, but at the say time yay! More nice and praising for you!

I love this piece, you grab the reader and make them want to read on. And luckily for me, there is a first chapter I can go to. More smileys (if that is even a word)! Anyways, great prologue! I can't wait to read on.

Short review... don't have much time...

darkangel_05 wrote:Prolouge:

Finally, summer's coming. I love this sentence, though I'm not sure why.

The writer leaned her back against the thick trunk of a tree, resting under its shade. Carefully, she pulled her diary from her school bag, and making sure she was alone, she started to write.

"School has finally ended. It was a great relief, and I am sure I will be able to finish the story I promised to my best friend, now that I am free from all those homeworks (homework?)and activities. I hope she's happy wherever she is—"

She stopped writing and tears fell on her cheeks. She tried to wipe them off, but they won't stop. She sobbed quietly for her best friend.

The young musician, who is secretly watching her all along, sat beside her on the ground. "Don't cry," he said. "I'm with you."

This is only my second review so I don't know much, but maybe mention the musician beforehand? You could probably make the part where she remembers her friend a little longer. I'm not sure if people really just burst out crying at the thought of the person who died, I don't really know, but they probably need some sort of memory. Oh, yeah, watch your tenses, they're way off.
Otherwise, pretty amazing... Can't wait to read more!