13. Lion and Girl

I need you closely, closer, more.
This is the awaking of gIrl;
gingerly un-not by knot,
my insides still turn nimble
at thought's taste of you.

If I were a tree
and every leaf an eye,
all one thousand and forty five
would be amazed at you.

I need you nearest, nearly, most.

This is the stirring of a lIon,
who, rippling strip by strip,
turns iron cage into a heart
who beats and yearns for you.

If I were love itself,
the gIrl, sleeping by the cage,
would regard the Lion with respect
before being gobbled, eaten up.



.fiNi'*

hey! I wasn't going to comment, actually because it's so good and I didn't
really know waht to say, but no one else has commented which is ridiculous
cause you're poem is amazing!
I have to be quick, but I loved your imagery, although I struggled to find
the rythm. (wait! Just read it again, and again I'm blown away, you have an amazing
rythm it's just not right after each other, I love how you have done the "I need you, This is the, If I were" twice over, wow.)
It also completely confused me (which was the point i guess?) and yet was still touching which is amazing. (oh and again I read it twice and now Ive seen that you mention the girl in the beginning and its not at all random or quite as confusing as I thought)
My favourite verse is

If I were a tree
and every leaf an eye,
all one thousand and forty five
would be amazed at you.

simply because it is beautiful.
Sorry this is more of an ode to your poetry than any helpful advice.
You are an amazing poet, keep writing,
xoxo
T

Mandorelute! I've seen your poetry floating around, but I don't think I've taken a look at it yet. This review will be brief and minimally helpful.

I'm not sure if the "13" means that this is poem number thirteen in a series of poems, but if so, perhaps it would make more sense had I read the previous twelve. I like this a lot-- it's short and sweet, but within this short, sweet poem, I feel as if it's missing a certain cohesiveness. Especially the part about being a tree. That seemed out of place and sudden to me, unconnected to the theme of lIon and gIrl being the "I" in the story. I also am unsure about the phrase "rippling strip by strip" and what idea/image that's supposed to convey.

When a poem is so condensed, every word counts and ever image and phrase is monumentally important. Make sure they all string together and mesh into a single idea.

But, overall, this is a well-written and well-thought-out poem, and I hope to continue to see your poetry on the site.

~Evi