We Are the Strong

Note: Yes, I know it's similar to Nikki Giovanni's "We Are Virginia Tech" (written after the shooting), but that's because we studied that poem today during English, so I was inspired.

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We jump into the commotion and ride
We are chased and we are staked but we do not hide

We are the fearless

We stand up straight and stare Death in the eye
We go to battle with peace, we are prepared to die

We are the brave

We cry when we feel though no one sees the tears
We hide the weakness and laugh in the face of fear

We are the prideful

We hesitate too late but we do not stall
We clamour in darkness but we do not fall

We are the strong

Yowsers, I don’t hate this.
Not that I was expecting to hate it or anything. I should just shut up.

So, when you mentioned your source of inspiration, I went and found the poem. And while I have to agree that there are some similarities, yours is definitely one all its own and therefore good.

I like how simple this is more than anything else. “We Are Virginia Tech” was burdened down with lots of additional adjectives and whatnots and I like that you stuck to a simpler ABBCDD pattern. It’s nice.

I can’t really find any flaws with this. In fact, I’m just rambling at this point. Good job!

~lilymoore

This is a really creative poem, I love the the parting of the lines, it reminds me a little of 'WE ARE SPARTA!" I dunno why!

tori1234 wrote: We jump in the commotion and ride

I don't really like this line, It sound better, in my opinion, if you said we jump INTO the commotion and ride! it rings better, and makes a whole-lot-ta-more-sense!

This is really good, keep on writing

(p.s: I may just rob this stanza scheme!)

lilymoore wrote: So, when you mentioned your source of inspiration, I went and found the poem. And while I have to agree that there are some similarities, yours is definitely one all its own and therefore good.

Thanks! I was so worried about being a copy cat!

nova wrote:

tori1234 wrote: We jump in the commotion and ride

I don't really like this line, It sound better, in my opinion, if you said we jump INTO the commotion and ride! it rings better, and makes a whole-lot-ta-more-sense!

Fixed!

Hello there
I actually quite like this very much. It's bold and deep. I have actually not seen the Virginia tech poem before but this is pretty good. I loved the structure of the stanzas. And the last part just sealed the deal for me. I am not going to complain about anything.
Good job

Greetings, I'm LastPaladin, at first didn't like this, and to be honest still don't but within context this is a valid attempt if a little shortsighted. See as writers we all know words have power but they must be given the generous passion to make them erupt and bring what feeling you wish. See if you expanded on each stanza you could have really struck the nerves. To explain here phrases which are synonymous and powerful were brought on my powerful sentences, verses stanzas. We remember 'I fought the Law and the Law won' because it doesn't come out of nowhere, the verses before build the scene and the words become powerful.

You have the powerful words but give them the juice to bring forth it.

I hope this helps.

Hello there!

The structure of this poem is very defined in the sense of the repetition of "We", which to some readers, may seem like an off-put. However it also creates a sense of rhythm, even if the pace and fluency is a bit jumpy because of it.

In comparison with Giovanni's "We are Virginia Tech", I may find myself taking more to yours. This is due to the simplicity and the lack of repetition. You change the "We Are..." after every stanza and it's kind of individual and, though a simplistic image, allows us to relate to it. Whereas Giovanni's repeats "We Are Virginia Tech" and it's tiring, but I'm not reviewing him, I'm reviewing you. lol.

Something comes across from this poem as though it should have some experience behind it. It has that ancient kind of feel that makes me think of it as a war poem, not in the same style as something such as Dulce Et Decorum Est, but in the same kind of genre. I think that's brilliant since that shows you've dug deep enough in your language to give this effect to your reader.

However.

Despite the fact I like this writing a lot, I don't see it as particularly special. I disagree with the previous reviewer who said you don't give the language the justice it needs, because I think you do. What's seeming as it being a poem that's "just like most others" is the structure, the voice and the overall tone. I like the repetition of "we", yes, but something just comes across about it that makes my brain click "un-original". Which is a shame because this is so well written. I'm not sure how you'd necessarily improve this poem, but perhaps in your next piece, have a go at generating a style that might make your colourful writing stand-out to the crowd.

Hope this helps,
Ben

Thanks everyone for the reviews!

BenFranks wrote: but I'm not reviewing him, I'm reviewing you. lol.

Nikki's a girl.

BenFranks wrote:
something just comes across about it that makes my brain click "un-original".

"Unoriginal" kept going through my mind, too! I was searching for something to make it POP! but I guess I'm still searching. I'll find it though!